In this episode, we have feature guest speaker Kaylor Betts talks about mental wealth as one battle with his own mind in this journey of bringing about personal growth and development and living your highest quality of life.
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In this episode, we have feature guest speaker Kaylor Betts talks about mental wealth as one battle with his own mind in this journey of bringing about personal growth and development and living your highest quality of life. Join the Think Unbroken Community Coaching Sessions at healtraumacoach.com
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Hey, what's up on broken Nation? I hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world I’m Michael Anthony––author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma––and of course, you're listening to the Michael Unbroken Podcast
Today, I am visited with a very cool guy––special close friend, Kaylor Betts.
Michael (M): Kaylor, how are you, my friend? What is going on?
Kaylor (K): Well, first off, man, I have to up my intro game in my podcast––you just inspired me. That was like––you could say that in your sleep––goddamn. Okay, I'm doing great, man. I'm just up here in cold Canada and got my to con, so I'm a little bit warmer than usual, and I'm ready to have a good conversation, man.
Michael: Nice, man. I'm stoked to have you here. You know, I was on your podcast, and I don't frequently––if ever, be like, “Yo, I need to have this person on,”––and that's not a negative thing to say about anyone whose shows I’ve been on.
But, I try to be a very niche in the people I bring on, and those people are often people who have overcome or created, or when we are listening and having this conversation, someone can hear it and go, “Wow! Alright, I understand something about myself or the world differently,”––and that's how I feel about you man. So, I'm excited to have you on––baseline, because I would assume a lot of people will not know who you are coming into this. Talk to me about your journey, talk to me about the place you are right now, and talk to me about mental wealth.
Kaylor: So, I'll give you the cliff notes. You know, I always say that I am someone who struggled for the majority of my life up until the last––like––truly, the last few years I've been on this obsessive journey of personal growth for the last 12 years. But, really up until the last few years, I have lived in a battle with my mind and that's commonly what I'll say––to just give you the cliff notes of who I am, and what I've experienced.
When I say I battle with my mind, I mean depression, anxiety, ADHD, addiction tendencies, and just really not knowing what the hell was wrong with me quite honestly. And we can get into the topic of––that's a whole other problem in that, most people suffering from mental health––specifically, younger people––don't know what it is––and I think we've moved the needle forward in that regard a little bit.
But because I struggled so much––and I was an athlete––so, it was always ingrained in me––this ambition, this discipline, this wanting to strive for growth. I think that's what kind of gave me that ambition. So you mix that with me struggling mentally and add it in––you know––actually being––you know––in my DNA from sports, that you should want to grow and get better. That just created this monster where I've just now––again––been on this obsessive journey for the last 12 years. And I'm talking––just––personal growth, personal development. And I'm talking––mind, body, and spirit.
For whatever reason, I've always had this inclination to get out of this battle with my mind that I've had. And I've always known that there's got to be a better way kind of thing, and on this journey, you name it––I've probably tried it. You name a personal growth book––I probably read it. You name a Ted Talk––I probably seen it, you know––an article––I probably read it, and a mentor or a guru out there––I probably follow him––the Tony Robbins of the world, the Jim Rohn’s if we want to go back––you know––to the OG's, and nowadays, it's the Dr. Joe Dispenzas.
I'm just obsessed with getting better, and I've finally reached this point where I have this unimaginable life in comparison to where I was––you know––if you would have looked at a few years ago––if you would have told me that I'd be here now doing the things that I'm doing––I mean––I would have told you you're crazy. I'm very happy to be here, but I'm also very humble when I say it because it's been blood, sweat, and tears. It has––it hasn't been easy.
But I've gone to this place and one day––brother––I was sitting on my couch, and I thought, “I got to brand this into something and I've got to call it something, and it just hit me like a brick wall––I thought I've created mental wealth. We’re all out there, trying to create financial wealth, and wealth, and all these different realms of our lives––and we talk about mental health––but how often do we talk about mental wealth? And, what I've learned is, that's where it starts.
It's the internal that creates our external realities––and that's where I'm at.
Michael: That's beautiful. It's powerful, and I think, you know, so many things come to mind––to start with. I think from the outside looking in, people would look at you and go, “Oh this guy? Depression, anxiety, addiction behaviors––no way.” And then you dive deeper and you go, “Oh well, this is so ingrained and instilled in so many people.” And then on the backside of it, you go “Struggle, hardships, fighting through it,”––that comes from a place.
And what I'm really curious about––you said––and I relate to this in such a real way––” It is an obsession for me to be better.” And what's fascinating about it is that obsession is only a measure of me versus me. There is no other catalyst in my life––it is only me and the direction that I'm willing to step into. What does obsession mean in your life, and how do you do it in a way that it doesn't overtake you?
Kaylor Well––I mean––the first thing that comes to mind is it does overtake me. I deal with perfectionism. I have perfectionistic tendencies. And that's what happens when you have a deep-seated belief in your psychology that you are inferior and inadequate in this world, and you're just not good enough no matter what's going on in your life. Then you're just on this journey of consistently chasing the external factors that are going to finally validate that you're good enough. I mean––that's just a cycle that we get into.
Now, everyone should have a little bit of a feeling of inferiority. If you don't––well––we're just going to sit on our couch and do nothing all day, right? We would just never feel a need to go out and achieve anything––so a little bit of it is healthy, but I just had a lot of it. And quite honestly it's been––my whole life, it's been this balance of like,––okay, it's healthy to go out and educate yourself, and try all of these things that are going to bring about personal growth and development, and better your highest quality of life. But just like with anything are in life, it's got to be balanced, right?
Because I can get too obsessed. And where I can get into trouble is sometimes thinking that––if I'm not doing something or I'm not learning something, it's not okay, right? And that guilt that you can feel when you’re––you know–– “Oh I haven't listened to a podcast today,” or “I haven't read a book in a little bit,” and that's a real thing that I have to manage, and I just––over time––I've just been able to kind of balance it and, you know, presence helps––that's where my spiritual journey comes in because it's balanced with the fact that––you know what––at the end of the day, you have all the answers within, right?
If you sit there and reflect, and even in meditation, I can––with clearing my brain and getting into the Theta wave state––I can learn more about myself in that state, with nothing in my head, than I can from a Tony Robbins book, or a TED talk, or something like that––so, hopefully, that answers your question.
I have to acknowledge one other thing that you mentioned because I think it's so important––you said from the outside looking in––like–– “Look at me,” and you would say, “This guy doesn't look like he was in a battle with his mind.” It's so important to acknowledge––and I'm going, to be honest: your story in comparison to mine––I know a little bit about your story because you came on my podcast––your story in comparison to mine––it puts my story to shame, right? As far as––if we were to put it in a movie, or a book, my story looks like I was living in heaven compared to yours.
Now, that's important to acknowledge because we all have our standards, right? And like I had a pretty good upbringing––from the outside looking in. And, we were like middle-class, weren't super poor, both my parents were around––although there was some stuff there for sure––but, you know––and we had enough money to do the things we kind of wanted––we were pretty, quote-unquote, not poor, but we didn't always have the money to do everything we wanted, but––yeah––and I was a good athlete, I was popular, I had a personality.
But inside, I was in a battle with my mind––and that's the most important thing I want to acknowledge. It’s like our circumstances do not equate to our mental well-being, right? You can be––and this is why you see celebrities and rich people who struggle all the time––you can have really good circumstances and sometimes those are the people that feel the most empty.
Michael: Yeah. And look––I often think about this idea of comparison and how it is such a really ridiculously hard battle to face within ourselves, because there's always a measurement, right? There's always that place where you're kind of looking and wondering, and scoping out, and going, “You know, is my life that bad? Is my life that great?” And I've ultimately just concludedarethat life is life––it is what it is, I can't control it, and I just try to exist within it.
You know, I think very often, and––especially in my case––to step onto the pathway of this journey to finally take it seriously, I had to have a rock bottom moment. I had to have this moment that was a reflection of me going, “Holy shit,” and it was being 350 pounds, smoking a joint, laying in bed at 11 a.m., eating chocolate cake and watching the CrossFit Games, and being like, “What is happening to you?” And then obviously––you know my story, everyone listening does too, I won't dive into that––but what I'm curious about is what was that moment for you that kind of made you want to reassess, “Am I showing up for myself? Am I doing these things?”
But then more importantly, what was the catalyst in you deciding to move forward and creating change?
Kaylor: Yeah, so I've always said that I think we need to often go through a breakdown to go through a breakthrough.
And in fact, that's when the best breakthroughs happen––the most powerful breakthroughs happen. I think there's this weird force––, not a physics guy, so I'm not going to try and quantify––but I think that the bigger the breakdown, the more potential energy there is for a breakthrough––I truly believe that. That's why now, when I am in a breakdown––because we all still have them––I'm in an unimaginable place as I like to say, but I still have my shit. I still have my down days––no question. But when I am in those down days, I know that everything I've been through in the past has been the greatest gifts that have forced action in my life and forced me to change, and put me on the right path, and given me the feedback so I could learn as much as I needed to.
So now I look at them differently, and people ask me all the time how I can coach people who have been through all day long. I'm hearing really hard stories and people who are going through really hard things, and I don't let it get to me anymore, because I actually, weirdly––and I do not want this to sound like I am underestimating or diminishing the trauma and the things that some people have been through––but I look at them as an opportunity for growth, and that's what I just want to convey to anyone listening. That's the first thing you should be thinking when you go through a hard time is what's the blessing here? What is the lesson here? That's the way I am now, and it's only because of the breakdowns that I've had in the past.
Now, your original question was “How did I break through and what did that breakdown look like?” Well, I had many breakdowns. You know what's funny––I don't have a lot of rock bottom moments. It just––the whole thing feels like it was a breakdown. It was like––I just was always at rock bottom. I'd have a good day here or there and then I go back down and have a good day, or maybe a good week, and then I'd go back down.
And it was finally where I found a bunch of CDs of Tony Robbins––like––” Awaken the Giant Within” in my dad's car––and this was around 12, 13, 14 years ago––I listened to it and he was the first person that made me realize that there is way more potential out there and you can change your brain, change your thoughts, change the way you live your life, and you can live an extraordinarily happy, joyous, blissful life. He was the first person that made me realize that that was even possible, and he instilled this thing inside of me that then just sparked that journey of “You know what”––and I had this Mantra Michael––it's very simple––I just said, “I'll always fight it.” I almost got it tattooed on me. I just always said, “I'll always fight it. I'll always fight it. I'll die, trying if I have to.”
Michael: Yeah, that's beautiful. And you know, I maybe it's Serendipity that we're having the conversation right now. But recently, I've been on this kick of trying to explain the power of personal growth because it was not that far ago- about 10, 12 years, where I would think to myself like- This is nonsense! These people jumping up and down and clapping and screaming. I'm going to go to the conference and pay how much money to listen to this guy. This turns out is one of the greatest investments of my life. It was a decade ago and stepping into the personal growth journey. I listen to power probably twice a year. One was, It's shortened to I can listen while I work out. But you know, it's just kind of that thing. You just step back into a little bit and you go, “ Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.” That's something else. How do you, how do you stay the course? Right. I think that one of the things that happen very often. As we get we got fired up, we get motivated in a moment we're like, “Yes, let's go!” And then three days go by and we're back to where we were and we're looking and reverting to our old behavior. And this promise we made to ourselves - We have somehow broken, again.
How do you stay the course, how do you hold yourself accountable? How do you put yourself in a position to be the person that lives that life that you think and know you're capable of?
Kaylor: Can I swear on this? Like, Fuck!
Michael: You can say what you want it’s a free country.
Kaylor: I love it. I love it. It's a free podcast. I love this Michael. I'm having fun. The answer to that is twofold- Number one Fuck motivation. Motivation is what messes everyone up and it's what everyone relies on. And this is why we are horrible at following through on things. It is because we rely on motivation. The research will tell you that motivation. Only lasts a few, start a goal and you embark on a new venture. It only really lasts an average of 19 days. That's how long the average New Year's resolution will last and then when you don't have motivation, it's like, “Well. alright, well why am I going to go? I don't actually feel like and then you get in this debate of like, should I go should I? should I go? should I? should I not do it? should I, you know, and you're having this debate and you might be able to do it for one day or two days long, but eventually that willpower is going to fatigue like a muscle. And that's what research shows us as well. What we have to do, is build habits, right? Habits are the root and fundamental principle of any successful person. Show me a successful person. I'm not just talking about cars money and status. I mean, Successful as in someone who's genuinely successful in all realms of life. Happy. You show me and I guarantee you, they can show you habits that they do day in and day out, that they don't always feel like doing that. They don't always have the motivation to do. But it's so ingrained as this automatic behavior, the neural pathways in their brain. They've been doing it for long enough that it just is like when you get into a car, you put on your seatbelt. When You know, just before you go to bed, you grab your toothbrush and you start brushing your teeth. We don't have to think consciously about these things. We don't have to be motivated to these things. They're so ingrained as an automatic behavior that we just do them and that's why we need to do the things. The habits, the did things day in and day out, that will contribute to our success. We have to do them for long enough. So that they create those neural pathways in our brain and get ingrained as that automatic behavior and science will tell us that it takes on average about 66 days to do that.
So here's what I do, anytime I want to do something and grow in some way, and I have to do something every day. I figure out what is the most, you know, growth-provoking activity in that regard, that I can do every single day and I do it for at least 66 days, right? It doesn’t matter if I feel like doing it, I remember why I'm doing it and that's the key. I call that WHY POWER. Because it's way more strong than willpower. Use why power. Remember a deep emotion, evoking reason why you're doing it and do it every day for at least 66 days, ingrain it as that automatic behavior and you know, watch it stick into your life and watch it, you know create Magic.
Michael: Yeah. I mean there’s no question I fully am on board with this and to me, I don't like motivation. I think it's only a catalyst to get you started. The reality. Is that anything great? What you're going to do in life, is going to come through continuity and it's going to come through doing hard things because, like, nothing great has ever come easily. And you hear that, and it's a faux pas, and it's cliche, but it's true. Cliches are cliches because they're true. And I think about the Journey of stepping onto this path and being willing to acknowledge the fact that you have to do, really difficult, uncomfortable things to get to that place. And then leveraging, the understanding that on a long enough timeline. If you're willing, To hold the line, you can very likely, find success/, one of the things, and since we are two men, having this conversation that I want to talk about that, I think is important. Excuse me. Is what role does compassion, play in your life? Because on one hand? Yes, of course, you got to go, you have to do it. You have to be aggressive. Default, aggressive, our friend Jocko willing says, but for you, what is compassion mean in your life and kind, Kindness for yourself on this journey.
Kaylor: Yeah, I mean that's a great question and the first thing that comes to mind is compassion for yourself, you know, I mean, obviously having compassion for other people is quite honestly, most like pretty easy for most of us. I think for most people, it's easy to be compassionate to others. I think we still need way more of that. Trust me, I understand if some people are even mad at me saying that but I think for most of us, especially with a growth mindset or compassion, what we really need and what would help others and the others around us is if we add more compassion for ourselves. I have a little bit of a different take on compassion in that the first thing that comes to mind when you asked me about how I have compassion for myself, is when I think of self-love.
Let's say, that's the buzz term that everyone's talking about self-love, which I'm okay with. I like that. We got to love ourselves but I think of it, the question to ask if you love yourself is What would you do at this moment? If you truly love and care for yourself and your body and your spirit, what in this Moment is going to serve and align with that the most? Sometimes that's picking up a book and I think we have a really good innate Instinct of, like, what we should be doing in any moment that will serve our highest quality of life. I just really have the instinct to know that what you've chilled for the last hour. You should be reading a book or listen to a podcast or doing some prospecting or doing something in your business. That is a revenue-generating activity, you know. Then I think you have to just really have that conversation with yourself like, okay you know, and this is why self-awareness is so important. You've worked for the last four hours, you're getting a little brain fog, your brains a little tired, your eyes hurt. You know you have a little bit of a tight feeling in your chest like that's when I know like okay it's time to go do some breath work and some cold shower and some meditation. Then I also know that there are some times where it's like, when's the last time you took a day off? Now it's time to do whatever the fuck you want today. Whether that's watching Netflix eating ice cream, whatever. And I have those days too. But I think that it's easier than we think to know what to do in every situation. We just have to have that reflection and ask ourselves, if you love yourself and have compassion for yourself, what would you do at this moment? That's going to serve your highest quality of life and include all factors and experiments. If you're having trouble with that, the best strategy, I think is to get outside yourself and say if you were your best friend if you were someone that you love, what would you tell that person to do right now?
Michael: Yeah, that's powerful. And there are so many things that we could unpack and dive into and much like you. I often have this question, why? Look at I go you work, 14 straight days, you're not doing anything today. You're clearing your books. You're not, you have to have this moment, which I rarely if ever get to that place anymore. But on Sundays, I don't work right. Personal boundaries without question not happening because you have to take control over your life. You ultimately me. I am the person. In control of all the things that happened in my life. And without understanding that, it's really easy to get swept up in this idea that you don't have control. And I know right now without question, people are listening to who goes recorded. Well, great, that's easy for you guys. You guys are coaches. You do this, you do that. But I don't believe that I'm an anomaly. I know for certain you don't believe that either. What, let's pause. Let's take a step back and look at this from another perspective. I'm listening to this conversation. Station. I'm super curious. I've listened to Tony Robbins before, but I just can't seem to get my mind wrapped around this. I can't seem to get my life in control. I cannot see him for whatever it is to be able to show up to be the hero of my own story to love myself. Whatever that thing is. Where do I start like, how do I do this?
Kaylor: Yeah, and I mean, I think the key is in the word START. you know I am big on. One of my favorite quotes, I say it all the time. The wrong decision on Monday is better than the right decision on Friday. It's because an action is most important. Now look, there are reversible and irreversible decisions. If it's an irreversible decision, that's like getting a tattoo getting married. Having a kid. You, you gotta really like I like to say go have a beer by the oak tree, and put your heart and soul into that. Come into that decision. But if it's a reversible decision, like if it's taking a course or like, or investing some time or like, you know, reading a book or whatever, as you can always stop in the middle, you can realize that it's not the right path and you can pivot, right? And I like to just tell people to start because success is going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm as Winston. Churchill said, so just start, you're going to fail. And it's going to be imperfect action and we need to prioritize imperfect imperfect action as better than no action at all, right? Because it's through action that you'll get the feedback and the evidence that you need to then pivot. As long as you're aware of it and pivot, and you'll eventually get onto the right path. But the problem is that too many people and I did this for years so no judgment but too many people are sitting around and trying to think their way into growth and plan their way into growth. And they're so crippled by analysis that they just don't take any action. Now, how do we actually and be inspired to take action now that comes down to remembering why you're doing it? And you, look, we're emotional beings, right? We are motivated by motivation, were inspired by motivating things, or Sorry by emotional things, more than anything I did. I say motivation. I meant to say emotions. Okay. Emotions you need to find a deep emotion. Evoking reason why you're doing it and a hint here, it's usually for someone else, it's usually for your mom, your kids to make the world a better place, you know, find that deep emotion reason, the emotional reason why you're doing it and always have that at the Forefront and remember why you're doing it and then just start. So yeah, that's it.
Michael: Yeah, I agree. Mike to Parlay with that, but also to create a juxtaposition here. I think that start is. Sometimes we're laying that. Why intrinsically first, right? And like having that reflection of going, no, no, you've let yourself down a lot. Let's go, let's show up. And then eventually that y can be anything you want it to be, but you have to have this moment of, for lack of a better term-you're coming to Jesus moment- and looking at yourself in the eyes and going, I'm not living up to To my expectations and not without, not with judgment, not what a shame. But just acknowledgment saying, yeah, I've got to do this for me, you know, one of the things that I'm really curious about is, you know, how do you, how do you navigate? And I know it's something you're working through and I'm working through this too. And I think every a lot of people are who are in that personal growth space perfectionism, how do you manage this right now in your life?
Kaylor: Yeah man. Perfectionism is my biggest thing that I deal with my biggest challenge. It's my biggest block and perfectionism is essentially the idea that you know, if you feel inadequate if you don't feel like you are good enough if you have a sense of unworthiness inside, it is the idea and it's the coping mechanism of if I show up as perfect in the areas of things that I'm putting out there, that people can judge that are open and vulnerable to judgment that. If I show up as perfect in those, then I will be rid of shame and judgment, right? It's just this protective thing. But what happens is, it actually ends up, you know, having diminishing returns because first off, we can't show up as perfect and everything. And then you spend so much time being perfect in this one area and then every other area of your life starts to fall behind. So it's just an absolute disaster. So true and I know this isn't a romantic answer. It's just been this process of like I have this Mantra. That's very simple. It's an affirmation. It's just like good enough is An imperfect good enough is better than perfect. And I've actually learned to prioritize speed and that quote that I said the wrong decision on Monday is better than the right decision on Friday. I've really learned to do is better than not doing anything and when my perfection in the days where had the strongest, hold on to me, Michael. It prevented me from taking any action at all because if I realized that it was exhausting to make all this perfect then I actually would just like hide in my shell and I would decide To just is watch is Netflix and eat pizza and smoke weed, right? It was easier. So, I've learned that if I just take a bunch of imperfect actions that actually equals success, you look at anyone who's successful. Every single thing they've done has been perfect, but they've just like done a lot. They've done a lot. They've read a lot of books. They put a lot of content out there. They've, you know, whatever it is that you're trying to be perfect in and it's just that constant reminder Michael like, literally over the years of Make good. Enough is better than perfect. Good enough is better than perfect, prioritize imperfect action. Round decision on Mondays. Is better than the right decision on Friday and after a while you get used to it. And then that becomes the new conditioning to the point where it becomes unconscious competence, meaning you don't even have to think about it, it just usually happens. And I'm then I slip into my old pattern sometimes and then I remind myself and get back on the right track.
Michael: Yeah. And you know what was really fascinating about that is I A battle with that, really intensely. And a lot of entrepreneurs especially do in 2009. Actually, excuse me. 2008, my then Mentor, said something that actually changed my life and I don't share this often on the podcast. Some people may know some may not, I used to be an international award-winning destination wedding photographer and that was this wholly different life that I used to live. And, and one day I was sitting on his deep and editing, like going through these photos, Thousands of wedding photos. And I was talking to my mentor and he was like, what are you doing? Like why are you spending so much time doing this? And I go because it's got to be perfect. My clients expect this and it was really funny because he caught me off guard with this. He goes to your clients. Don't give a fuck. They didn't hire you because you move the exposure up. One point, they hired you because you deliver something and more. So the people who are going to see this You don't know who you are, don't care because they don't know who you are and that was so powerful for me man, be and that's how I've lived my life ever since. And I love this idea of doing it on Monday because that's effectively what had happened at that moment that has kind of forced my hand, and so many actions in my life. And I always think about this done, not perfect, because it's never going to happen, right? But at least you produce the work. At least you put it out there and that's everything. That's in this healing Journey especially and I think about this like going to therapy going to men's group therapy and sa. All the things were always about experimenting, always about just doing the action, and then understanding the harder side of it probably. Is that failure was inevitable. But you said something really beautiful about failure that I also agree with failures data, failure helps, you understand? And failure means that you're on the path. Can you dive in a little bit more? So many people are just Paralyzed by the idea that they are going to fail. How do you really navigate failure?
Klayton: Yeah, Henry Ford, I think it was Henry. Ford has a great quote. He says, “ Failure is merely the opportunity to start again more intelligently.” And, you know, I think that that's really all I would say is, it's like and here's the, here's the other thing that I've really trained myself to do is I actually want to fail not that. I go out and everything I do. I'm actually intentionally failing but what I mean, By that is if I reflect on my month and I look back and I didn't fail at some shit. My goals aren't I'm not working hard enough. My goals aren't big enough. I'm not you know, really reaching for my Highest Potential so I actually really have just reframed and that's what I think it is it's just reframing as failure is actually a good thing and I know it sounds so cheesy. Now it's like that's the cliche thing to say, is like all failure is but it again You alluded to earlier cliches are cliches for a reason is that they're fucking true, right? Like failure is a blessing because it again like Henry Ford says it gives us an opportunity to start again more intelligent and it's just part of the process. It is so necessary. And it actually, just means that you're taking action instead of, you know, really, it's the people that never fail. It's kind of like criticism. Like the reason why I like getting criticized is that that's now Now I know I'm doing shit, right? That's how I know I'm putting myself out there. The people that I look up to the most get literally criticized and fail the most out of anyone. So I should actually be looking at it. We should be looking at it as the more we fail the More We Get criticized that equates to more success. So I've just reframed it.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. And so much of it is reframing, right? You're changing and re-evaluating your understanding of the world based on the evidence that you have that are there proves or This proves hypothesis is about the hypotheses about the way that you exist in the world. You know, one of the things I wonder about is how do you self-determine the power that you have in your life? And what I mean by that is I think often people do things for the wrong reasons while simultaneously believing that they're making the choices based on the right reasons. How do you actually kind of for lack of a better term- be the narrator of your own story here?
Kaylor:: You know, if if I'm grasping what you're asking, this is actually a conversation. I had recently is we very not often really ask ourselves why we're doing things. So, for example, I was talking to a dating coach. She's a good friend of mine who had her on the podcast while giving her a shout-out. Katie Grimes, she's amazing. And we were talking about, you know, Relationships and whatnot. And she says that one of the things she asks her clients a lot is, you know because we're all well not everyone but a lot of us are seeking if we're single. A lot of us are seeking love seeking a romantic or intimate partner. And she says, we very, you know, often don't ask ourselves why. And what does a relationship symbolize for you? What does a marriage symbolize for you? So, and this Can be applied to any realm of life. It's like, if you're building a business, it's like, why, why are you building in this business? You know, if you want to make, you know, $10,000 a month, why, you know, what is that, symbolize for you. And I think that really all it takes is just like gang going, having a beer by the oak tree and like really sitting down and like, clearing out the noise and like really asking yourself, what are the reasons and there's going to be a little bit of everything, right? Like, for me for my business. - and my growth there will always be the insecure little inner child that I have. That is screaming out that I just want to be accepted, loved, and feel like I'm good enough and adequate. There will always be that little part of me and it may diminish. It may even be only one percent one day. But I'll always be there and I've just learned to manage it. I've just learned to talk to it and have that conversation with it and sometimes I'll literally sit there and be like, what is my inner child telling me right now? What is that little insecure inadequate? Little boy trying to seek right now and as long as I balance that with other intentions that serve my highest quality of life more than, it's all good, right? Eye, he can come to the party. And he can be there a little bit. I use it as fuel but, you know, I've really taken a look at, why am I trying to build this business? You know, and yeah, a little bit, First, Status money, all these different things for my ego. I mean, I think anyone would be lying if they said they weren't building something for those reasons, but I've just really worked hard on really making sure that it's also genuinely for just, you know, Bringing something that makes the world better. And most importantly, makes the people around me better and creates these beautiful experiences in my life. So that, by the end of my life, I can say that. If you put my life into a book, people would actually really want to read it. I don't know if that answers your question, but that's what came to mind.
Michael: Yeah. Now, that's, that's beautiful. And that's, you know, that's, that's reason enough, right? And I think about Legacy constantly, right? And, and recognizing that on a long enough, Timeline. I'm going to die before my goals, come to pass because that's how high I'm shooting this right. And I think about that and I'm okay with it because it's about just going into it and moving forward that said and I don't I would be remiss if I didn't ask this question as to men here sitting have been on such this. An incredible journey to ask you this because I know that there are men listening and they are the minority and women. I know you're listening and this will apply to you as well, but I want you to make Or men in your life, listen to what I'm about to ask. So I think it's really important. We as men struggle profoundly with the understanding of man up and I hear those words and it makes me Furious to an extent. Right? Because of that definition and I'm so desperate. And I know you are as well trying to change that narrative around it. I think that one of the ways that you get there is becoming uncomfortably comfortable with recognizing that as a man, you are going to have to go back and comfort the child version of yourself. Talk to me about that journey that you've been on and getting to that place of comfort, through discomfort with having a connection with your child self.
Kaylor:: Yeah man. Oh my gosh, there's so much there. I mean that term man up. Yeah. Definitely can be you know extremely toxic. I think that for me I have really had to reframe. What it means to embrace, you know, my masculinity. And I was kind of told that growing up or at least that's what like was socially constructed, the or the idea that was socially constructed in my head It is like you want to be a man, you just got to like bulk up and, you know, be super muscular and be able to push a lot of weight in the gym and pick up a lot of chicks and like, you know, be intimidating that literally and when you're feeling sad and emotional just man the fuck up like, come on, get with it. And, and that is toxic, right? I also have some qualms about the term toxic masculinity. I think it has a branding problem, I think it's misunderstood and people take it the wrong way. But with that being said, manhood is embracing, my masculine energy has been really important in my journey. I was very, you know, with all due respect my parents, they're lovely and truly, I love them with all my heart. They did the best they could with what they had, but I was kind of a baby. And I wasn't, you know, there was no Rites of Passage. There was no, like, you know, like embracing what a true, you know, masculine energy is and what I actually now getting into what I believe that too. Be now is it's actually just being able to own your truth. And look we're all people and as men, we have our shit to right? I experienced all the same emotions that a woman does, right? And I think and all the wounds I have wounds that I have and it doesn't make me less of a man. What does make me? Less of a man is not acknowledging. Those wounds running away from those wounds. Trying to hide them and trying to show up as someone that I'm not. And I think that one of the most quote-unquote, you do manly things. That a man can do, is talk about their wounds, talk about their battles. You know, have a relationship with that inner child, that's hurt and to own up to it and say, you know what, this is how I am. This is what I've experienced. These have been challenges in my life but I'm here to show up no matter what I'm still here and I might not always be my best self, my wounds might come through, but I'm here to show up and that's what I'm here to do. And I will do whatever it takes. So that's kind of how I've had two really reframe, the whole masculine thing the whole like an inner child. It's like, I ran away from it forever and it was like What if you just invited to the party? And that's when everything changed.
Michael: Yeah. And you used the word acknowledgment. And I think that that is Such the perfect word to label in this entire Journey as being this Catalyst for Change and being able to step into it because we do have to acknowledge. Like there's nothing easy and I think often it, there is a huge mess no more and I think it is miscommunicated and toxic masculinity, whether you are on either side of the fence in the way that it's put out in the world still exists, and because it exists and because like, you, I grew up, it was about how many cars you had and how many girls you bang, and all these things and like, sitting with that and recognizing like, I don't want to be a part of this. That's not the narrative that I want to have in my life and thus reframing my understanding of what it meant to be a man. And that meant getting in connection with men and going to men's group therapy and all these things. But ultimately it was about making a decision and then more, so standing up for myself and saying, I'm putting my foot down, this is the way I feel about masculinity and manhood and Going to take it from me or argue with me because this is my choice. This conversation has been absolutely amazing man before I ask you. My last question, where can everybody find you?
Kaylor: You have an eye. I like to keep it really simple for people, so please go to my Instagram, Kaylor.Betts and check out my page. That's where like you'll see everything. You'll see that my mental health project, which is, you know, the project that I have, it's actually we're rebranding it to the mental wealth podcast, so it's not really a project anymore. It's well, it's obviously a project but it's going to be branded and consolidated to just the podcast because that's what we're really trying to focus on and you can find that podcast anywhere while most places you find your podcast, you know, Apple, Google Play Spotify, and the whole deal. And I just always say, like reach out to me, I would love you to DM me, I'm always down for a conversation and willing to chat.
Michael: Amazing, my friend, my question for you, as what does it mean to you to be unbroken?
Kaylor: Well, I would say that being unbroken is the same term and has a lot of parallels and is very congruent with my term that I use for my brand, which would be mental wealth. And I think that it all comes down to one thing. Michael and that's the relationship with yourself. The healthy relationship with yourself, and actually accepting, loving, and being compassionate to who that true self is inside, despite all of the wounds, all the bullshit, and all of your external factors and circumstances as well too. When you create a relationship with yourself, where you look in the mirror and you actually really love and accept the person that you're seeing In all of its, you know, realms that to me is when you become unbroken.
Michael: Yeah, beautiful. My friend couldn't have said it better myself. Unbroken Nation, thank you so much again for hanging out with us. Please check out Kaylor’s work he's incredible. Please like, subscribe, comment, follow, share with a friend.
Until next time my friend...
Kaylor Betts is the founder of The Mental Wealth Project.
From as far back as I can remember, I have been challenged by my Mental Health. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, A.D.H.D, and addictions, these were a big part of my life for many years.
These challenges I’ve faced, have sparked an obsessive journey in my life, to not only be able to deal with these challenges, but overcome them, and become the most extraordinary version of myself. A mission to become unstoppable.
I have been an entrepreneur and coach for 12 years, where I started in the fitness industry, eventually building and running a private gym for 5 years. I’ve helped hundreds of clients with their physical and mental health. More recently, in the last 3 years, I have focused on helping people achieve “Mental Wealth”, which means essentially, achieving their highest potential.
Almost a year ago, I was sitting on my couch, and had an “aha moment”. After transitioning out of the fitness industry, I had been lacking a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I had continued to help people build their mental and physical health after the fitness industry, but all of a sudden it hit me. I realized that I needed to turn what I always thought was my biggest pain, weakness, and something I honestly felt quite ashamed about, into my biggest gift. Becoming open about the fact that I have struggled with my mental health too. I was awakened to the fact that my calling in this world, was to become an advocate, share my story, bring people together who need to improve their mental health. It was only days after this incredibly special moment in my life, that I came up with the concept of The Mental Wealth Project.
The building of this project has been accompanied by an amazing team of people who also are incredibly passionate about creating mental wealth in this world, and I could not be more grateful for these special people.
My soul is lit on fire as I am building this community, raising awareness and normalizing the conversation of mental health, while continuing to work as a Mental Wealth Coach.
Along with building The Mental Wealth Project to its highest potential, I want to show people how I went from barely being able to cope with the intensities of life, to living with the life I have always dreamed of living. To enter into the mental health space and work towards impacting millions of people, from all around the world.