July 6, 2021

E82 How to deal with judgment as a trauma survivor | CPTSD Podcast

In this episode, I talk about how to deal with judgment as a trauma survivor and dealing with judgment in everyday life.
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In this episode, I talk about how to deal with judgment as a trauma survivor and dealing with judgment in everyday life.

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Transcript

We go on live at everywhere! We're going everywhere this morning. So we're talking about dealing with judgment. Dealing with judgment in everyday life. Dealing with judgment and career, dealing with judgment with family, dealing with judgment with friends, doing judgment with yourself. One of the things that I often think about in this healing journey is the fact that judgment is often displaced everywhere, right? We face judgment and everything that we do from the way that we talk to ourselves most importantly, to the way that we interact in that we show ourselves into the world and the way that is reflected back to us.

One of the most difficult parts about dealing with judgment is that we often look at the judgments that people cast upon us, and we take those for face value. And I'll tell you this, I don't know that necessarily people are always wrong in our judgments and in their judgments of us, because sometimes there's some truth, but, you know, very often, a lot of times people are they're just taking what they have inward and putting it outward. And I think about how life is often reciprocated by the way that we think about ourselves and the world. If you think to yourself, I'm successful, I'm capable, I'm strong, then in reality that will be true, but if you don't, then, in reality, that also will be true.

And one of the things about judgment and I'll tell you, that's just to keep it real with you. People are judging you anyway like people right now, today, they're judging you, they're judging you, they're looking at the way you dress, how you walk, how you talk the words that come out of your mouth, the way you look. They're judging you because you know, you tattooed head to toe, they're judging you because of the accent that you have, they're judging you because of your skin tone, they're judging you because of everything. And here's the thing that people don't want to talk about in this that I think is very important.

Is that we are often as the judging back. If you think about it, how often are you judging people on a daily basis? How often when you cross paths with someone, you judge what they're wearing, or how they're dressed or their car that they get out of or the groceries on the lane in front of you before you check out, I can't believe that they would buy that, right? How many times have you had that moment? I can't believe that they would buy that, help Jesus. I would never do that and then suddenly now you're also playing that role of judger in this process. And I think that in part, it's human nature. I don't know how we particularly get away from it, I don't know that is in the cards for us as this species that is predicated on judgment, not necessarily to be callous or crude or unkind, but it at some deep down, molecular human-level judgment is a form of survival for us. We have to be able to look at and assess the situation, and especially people for safety. Are we safe right now? If we look at this person coming across the street, and they're carrying a machete, were probably not safe, we need to be able to judge and evaluate that situation. We need to look at that and say, okay actually at this moment I'm not actually that safe, I don't feel like I'm protected judgment can be this beautiful thing that can also protect you but also destroy everything around you and so we think about that. What I often come to when I'm dealing with, whether I'm being judgmental, or someone is judging me? Is to sit with it and pause and just go acknowledge.  – Yeah! Okay, that happened. I was judging, or I was judged fine. Great! But here's where it gets interesting. What does that have to do with What I'm trying to accomplish in my life? What does that have to do with how I talk to myself? What does that have to do with how I show up in the world? And if we leverage their people's judgments to keep us down, then we certainly will stay there, and I'm not saying that there's not a little bit of truth in judgment, because sometimes there are, you know, I wish when I go back and I look at my 20s, I wish that I would have had one of my friends be like;  ‘Dude, you are so overweight. You're going to die by the time, you're 30 years old,’ instead of my body like rejecting my self rejecting me, I should say I'm like getting very sick and forcing me into a situation where I was required to lose weight, right? I could have used that judgment at that moment as opposed to me outwardly, judging everyone and everything and saying;  ‘No, no, no! You guys just don't get it, this is who I am.’

And part of that is also we have to be able to sit within the scope and the framework of acknowledging like we might need to create some change in our life and sometimes that comes from a third party. And I know that can be difficult to hear because we come from this world and society that says we should all be kind to each other. We should never judge each other, we should always let each other exist, but I'll be honest with you, I don't think that works because then you end up in this situation where you're spending your life hiding from the reality of the truth of the circumstances that you've created think about what's happening in all the social movements in the world right now without someone casting judgment and saying, this isn't right things probably wouldn't change if someone didn't look at the scenario in the world and go, this isn't how it should be, things probably wouldn't change and we're told no because be kind, you can be kind and still speak the truth and I think often in judgment, there is truth. But now what do you do? This is where it gets interesting, right? Because I'm going to take you to both sides. There's a juxtaposition of this. What do you do when that judgment is not kind? When that judgment is hurtful? When that judgment is berating, you when that judgment is your mom, your dad, your partner, your cousin, your friend, your coworker yourself. What do you do?

I think, first and foremost, you have to ask yourself is in the environment that you're in and the moment, conducive and supportive of what it is that you won’t need, and desire as a human being and alignment with your values. Your wants, your needs, are interesting your boundaries. That's the first thing. Like I use some of you guys don't have values and you really need to sit down and go through that and figure out who you are and what your values are about and everything in life filters through your values, and then what happens is, you look at it and you assess is the way that people are engaging with me and alignment with my core value. And if not, then the question that you have to ask yourself as well, why am I in this scenario? Why am I around people who are not supportive of my core values? And depending on that answer, one of the two things is going to happen.

One, you actually find out that you are the one who is not in alignment with your values, thus, allowing judgmental people and your life? Or two, what's happened is you are not holding true to your boundaries and because of that, these people are in your life. And there's a case for 3 in that could possibly be that you just don't recognize it right or the thing that often happens and people come to me especially when we're doing coaching and they're saying, I don't understand why people are always walking all over me. Well, I do I can tell you right now it's because you haven't put clear concise, boundaries and borders in your life and said what is and is not acceptable. So we look at people who judge and we go, well, they're just me or they're not fair or they're judgmental, but you've never put anything in place to keep them from doing so. This is what gets really interesting about getting clear about who you are as a human being and as a person and ultimately being the leader of your own life, the hero of your own story is that it all starts with you and so when you're in this, what you have to understand as a lot of time there it's being cast on you, are not judgments about you but instead, they're about the person, casting the judgment because I think about this every day, our lives are often a reflection of who it is, that we are, right? Our lives can be a reflection of who it is that we are. And at times those judgments can help us reflect on who it is that we are in a way that can actually, I believe be practical. I think about this all the time like if I and being an asshole like if I'm being an asshole, I want somebody in my life to tell me. ‘Hey Michael, you're being a real asshole right now, man.’ You need to course correct, you need to get back to baseline, you need to figure out what the hell's going on with your life. You need to put yourself in a position to be kind again, right? And I want that, I like one that I want that, I want that not only from my friends, I want that for my family, I want that from my community, I want that for my team, I want that for my employees, I want that from the people I coach, I want people to help me be better. Now, there's a big difference, this is where I think the real juxtaposition, all this comes into play, there's a big difference between judgments that are constructive and people be in fucking assholes. There are two different things here and know, ultimately, you have to determine what that looks like in the context of your life. But I will tell you this those who are casting judgment for the sake, of, doing it, with no intrinsic or inherent value involved, who only simply at the baseline want to hurt you, are people that do not deserve a seat at your table. And what I mean by that is if there are people in your life who are adamantly, vehemently, and purposely trying to tear you down, by saying you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're not capable enough, who do you think you are, you're never going to amount to anything. Those people, need to be taken out of your life.

Those people do not deserve a place at your table and then, of course, I know somebody's going to listen in to this and they're going to email me and they're going to go. Well, what about my mom? What about my dad? What about my husband? Guys, you have to understand something about life, everything that you want in life happens within the frame of action, and change only happens when you make change happen, and sometimes a thing that you have to do, is the hardest thing ever, and that creates change, and for some of you, that means removing that judgmental person from your life. For some of you, that means putting a separation into the relationship for of you that is changing the phone number, right? Changing the phone number, not letting these people be in contact with you. And I understand how difficult it is because I've had to do it and many people have to do it, but ultimately you have to ask yourself, what are you willing to do to have the life that you want to have? People are going to judge you regardless, it doesn't matter like at the end of the day I think about it all the time. People are going to judge you. It's the hard truth of being a human being. And there are arguments, you could say that maybe we need to toughen up a little a bit fine, whatever doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is the most important thing and that is even if you are being judged, you do not stop moving forward and creating the life that you want to have, because ultimately, the people that judge you, they don't live for you. They don't breathe for you, they don't love for you, they don't create your life, they don't take care of your bills, they don't take care of your body, they don't take care of your mental health. And yes, they're going to judge you because guess what they already are.

And so you have a decision to make, you can let that judgment be the thing, be the catalyst in the way of the life that you want to have or you can say, ‘You know what? Let you judge, I will let you judge, go and enjoy your judgment and watch the life that I live.

So, my friends, that's all I got for you today.I hope that you're having an amazing day.

Please, of course, you know, if you ever need help reach out to me, I'm on Instagram at Michael Unbroken.

We start coaching sessions monthly at healtraumacoach.com, and you can find me everywhere on the Michael Unbroken podcast.

So have an amazing day, my friends.

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And until next time. 

My friend, Be Unbroken.

I'll see you.

-Michael

Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.