Dating With Anxious Attachment: Stop Ghosting Cycles And Build Healthy Love | With Drea Renee

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[SPEAKER_01]: Could you imagine having a relationship with someone that you deeply loved and cared about someone you are co-regulated with someone who you knew had your back who wasn't disposable and that you didn't want to throw away?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Could you imagine if you had that in return and what your life in your relationships and love could look like?

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think about this all of the time, and as many of you know over the years, I've shared a lot of information about not only my personal dating journey, but this scope of which I see the world of dating today from apps and

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[SPEAKER_01]: how to date in the world that we live and how to have love and most importantly, how to have relationships that can outlast and overcome the chaos of the world that we're living in, especially when you grew up in chaos.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That said, Dr. Amifran, welcome to the show.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for being here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for having me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was a great intro.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I love that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I've done this a couple of thousand times now.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You can tell.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I want to first start and talk about your journey and how you got to this place where you're talking about dating love, relationships, co-regulation, ghosting, and all the things that I just shared.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, so it basically started with my dad, you know, childhood trauma, dad left.

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[SPEAKER_00]: major wounds created around then set the pathway for dating.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was dating unconsciously for a long time going on dates as my seven-year-old self I would say and not really understanding the dynamics and energy and maturity that it takes to show up in a relationship healthy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I never say show up as a relationship as a whole person because I think it's always a journey.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then there was a instances that happened in college right after college where I was thinking, wow, I am not responding to these situations like my friends are.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Drea is feeling really different.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm taking these things on really hard and so I had to get

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[SPEAKER_00]: into the work around these things because my life was completely unmanageable, a relationship was every single thing to me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The person was everything I ate, breathed, sleep, think about all day.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then yeah, so I got into the work.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I started helping some friends of mine.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I started realizing that I have a neck for this and very passionate about this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I wanted to create a platform.

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[SPEAKER_00]: where there were other people who maybe did feel broken or unseen or understood or maybe their reactions were more than their friends and they had no place to kind of find a person that really understood them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I started the podcast, you know, a few years ago and I really want to help people, especially the anxiously attached men and women of the world who feel really disregulated around their feelings and

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[SPEAKER_00]: show them that they're not broken, that they just, you know, there is a way to get through this, but it is a journey, and I'm showing people that it is possible to get on the other side of it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: what was like the aha moment for you because I think about this a lot of my journey like I go and look at all the relationships that I've been in over the years and especially early on in my teens and my 20s relationships meant almost nothing to me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like let me hook up with as many people as possible because I was like oh that's what love is and obviously I'm influenced by hip-hop culture I grew up in the hood like you know being a player is a thing

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then, like, as I got older, I started to look at the people that I was dating, and I was like, oh my god, I'm dating my mother.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god, I'm dating the same person again and again and again.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then I had this aha moment where I was like, dude, this is a you thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This is not them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because I was a blamer.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I'd blame people.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'd like this year fault that I'm this way.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, whatever nonsense would come out of my mouth.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and then it come to pass.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, actually, this is the me thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm responsible.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm curious, you know, because I think also it can create a place of understanding for those listening.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What was like a hot moment where you're like, wait, this is a me problem.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That journey for me really happened once I got sober.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I got sober in 2009.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I, the combination of drinking and also being a anxiously attached person is not a good combination.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so I was, as you said, blaming people, my dad left, my dad did this, my dad did it and then around, I would say,

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[SPEAKER_00]: my early 30s.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I took a minute and I thought, whoa, I'm the common denominator here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it was at a moment after I had, and I've shared this on my show, so it's fine.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I called my ex-boyfriend, you know, like 80 times or something, and a row.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was just like on the ground calling, he wasn't answering, I was calling, I was going to go to his house,

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was just blacked out, you know, not even just from drinking, but I was blacked out mentally, dysregulated, didn't know what was going on with me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I stopped and I was like, I can't continue living my life like this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If I look at my relationships, Drea is the thing that's there all the time.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to take an inventory of myself.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I looked at all the people that I've dated, all the experiences that I've had.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like,

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, it's, it's interesting because, you know, I've had those moments too, or I was like, I'm going to call you a thousand times.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What I really, what I all, you know, in retrospect, and again, this is kind of 24, 25 year old me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: In that moment, I was kind of like, they're going to answer the phone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to come over.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to have to make up sex, and then it'll be the same fucking thing tomorrow, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Luckily, I had this experience, I've shared this on the show before, but I asked a woman to marry me who was cheating on me, and that I knew, and I was cheating on her, and it was a very chaotic experience, and one of the greatest moments ever in my life is she goes, no, I'm not going to marry you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, so devastated, but at the same time, it was so freeing because it was the first time I was like, oh my god, I have to actually go deal with this and the other two women who don't know that I'm also simultaneously dating them because it was, it was so chaotic because I had such a disregulated nervous system.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I had no idea how to navigate the world and plus there was alcohol, there was drugs, there was all of the above.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then those moments, you know, it's interesting because I think people can sit and even I did, I would sit and look at this life that I was living and I think to myself, this is normal.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I just don't know how to let this not be normal.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But the second you start to choose yourself, I feel like people have an identity crisis.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm curious for you when you have this kind of breakdown moment, like, all right, I've got to do something different.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What was the narrative within you like what was happening where where did you latch on to to actually be able to like hold on to the change because I'm sure you must have moments before we're like today is the day It's like quitting smoking cigarettes, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah For me, you know that moment of lying on the ground and really feeling pathetic for lack of a better word and looking at my life and nothing was the way that I wanted it to be

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[SPEAKER_00]: I know that I had to get into action.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, it was that moment of having my ex-boyfriend that our boyfriend at the time, call me and say, Dura, what's going on?

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[SPEAKER_00]: What are you doing?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Why did you do this?

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I felt a lot of shame around that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I just really wasn't happy with myself.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I got in a group where there were similar people feeling the way that I was feeling and that really changed my life.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was

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[SPEAKER_00]: at that point being accountable to other people.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was making deals with myself.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was working steps in doing things that started to change my life.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was taking inventory, really writing down the things that were about me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I stopped looking at the other people for all the things that they did.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I really started looking at, what are you doing, Dre?

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[SPEAKER_00]: How are you showing up?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I started to take responsibility.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it was not an easy journey.

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[SPEAKER_00]: This was not easy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Humans and interactions and love.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's very nuanced.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It can get very messy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like putting a drink down or a drug down or something like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's simple.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No problem.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But when you're dealing with human beings, you got to give yourself some grace.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to mess up sometimes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I did.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But I was able to come back to the community around what I was going through.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And that was really helpful.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I honestly don't think I could have done that alone.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I needed to hear and see people who had gone through it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and they got to the other side to give me hope and faith.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And also I believe in a higher power.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So that was another element to my progress to really, really turn everything around.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But it was really scary because there were moments where I was so low.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was so down and I thought,

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[SPEAKER_00]: these feelings are never going to leave me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm always going to be like this, but it's not true.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's really not true.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I wish that there was content around at that time to sort of hear these stories because I was just so in my own head that thoughts got really loud.

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[SPEAKER_00]: a lot of voices going on like you're not this you're not that you're never going to whatever and then honestly this community really shifted me and I'm so grateful that I had the wherewithal to take the action to look it up to see are there people who think like this because my friends at the time were like what's wrong with you just stop talking to them just don't do X but there was something within my nervous system that I was completely disregulated

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and there's power and accountability, you know, I think that when you're with other people and you have people to help you and to guide you and to be there with you like that matter is because, you know, especially if you have abandonment wounds right, you know, everyone knows my story my parents were drug addicts and alcoholics they were never around I was homeless as a kid like I would latch on to anyone and and that was something that took me so long to overcome, but the greatest

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, leaps that I took in the healing around that was in groups was in men's group was in AA and essay and NA and all the A's it was like constantly just showing up and To be frank with you, sometimes I would sit in those rooms of like, man, I'm fucked up and not as bad as that guy, you know, and so

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[SPEAKER_01]: there there's something to wait.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I share these stories like I'm okay talking about how crazy my my teens and my twenties were I'm okay we're talking about the drugs in the alcohol and the trauma and shit because I'm like for me someone is listening they're like oh my I'm not as fucked up as that guy is you know and I I think there's power in that but I also think that there's power

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[SPEAKER_01]: in that place of you have to look at your life and this is what I did and and I think that it was really, really difficult.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I call it paying the taxes and what I mean by that is I had to go and write all the wrongs.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The does it mean we ever got back to fucking even ground because there's definitely people who will never talk to me again and I unlike all due respect like I get it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I probably see if I did some of that shit I would talk to me either.

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[SPEAKER_01]: but there was paying the taxes, there was like standing in front of the decisions that I made and being like, I did this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And this is the reality.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I think what shifted so much for me and when I'm leading this question is, it was in the understanding why I did the things that change my life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Do you, do you like that was true for you also?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like, like you said, like, the communities so important that accountability, and, you know, knowing that there are people that are wondering, oh, is Drake going to show up to this meeting is she going to be there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, like I said, that really, really got me through and looking at myself and really just knowing that, um,

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[SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted to do the change, like I really wanted it, but I knew that it wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that it was going to be messy, and my why for doing this honestly was around, you know, some of it was just vanity, you know, like I wanted to just

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[SPEAKER_00]: Be the cool girl and look like I had it all together, but it really came from myself and then also my mother and and my and my sisters.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to be a better example for them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So my why you know, it's changed over the over the years, but but now you know, it's why I stay in this work is because I want to continue being in example, like I am in in in this arena.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, in the work all the time, and it's important to like let people know like this is it can be really awful and and like you said I really like what you said about you see people like you're thinking I'm not as messed up as them because you know you go in the rooms and and honestly some of that kept me away from the rooms at times because I felt like

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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I didn't do that, like that's crazy, but we focus on the similarities, not the differences, you know, and all the things I've gotten from being around the program in my life, I can never show enough gratitude for that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, when you did your homework early, when you were a kid, and you felt so good when you did it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, when I go and I show up and, and I,

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, have replaced that urge because the urge and the thing that they don't go away like it does not go away that is them that that like energy that needs to feed on something it doesn't go away but going and doing this work and I know like my feet are more sober than my brain so I know what to do get on the phone call someone go to a meeting.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I know all these things to do now and so it makes it a lot easier to stay in the thick of it and being a service to people, but also helps me like not making it about myself, like that's the biggest thing like the self obsession is so insane sometimes where I'm like God, I'm really only thinking about Dreja and even when I was out doing all these crazy things and running around like a nutty person, I was just thinking about myself, I wasn't thinking about other people so getting outside of myself really does help the why am I doing this and how do I continue.

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[SPEAKER_00]: to stay in this work.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's a great point.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think about that constantly.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, most of the decisions we make as humans are self-serving.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think most people are okay with admitting that because it seems like selfish, but we're all selfish.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we are.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there's just no way around it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think the understanding the why behind it is so crucial.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I can look at my experiences in dating in relationships early on before I really had a kind of grasp on my own reality.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I can look at that in parallel to the way that I grew up, ostracized, abandoned, lost, neglected, unneurtured, unloved.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Of course you're going to hook up with every person who gives you the time of day.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Of course you're going to be a Dormat.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Of course you're going to be codependent.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I was so unbelievably cut.

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[SPEAKER_01]: People don't believe this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I was so unbelievably codependent in my 20s, especially like whatever you're into, I'm into.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I do not care.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I will watch all the shows with you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I will go to the restaurant she want to go to, and it's because I did understand it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's a deep fear that people have about being lonely when they've been lonely their whole life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And, and it's crazy because it's, you know, and now in my 40s, I've spent so much time over the last 10 years single, just so I could be in a place of understanding myself, so I could be ready for a relationship, so I could be ready for love, so I could be ready.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not that I didn't date, it's not like I'm, you know, fucking monk, but it was also like I had to have a lot of clarity and intention, and again, just like you said earlier, I still made a ton of mistakes in that process.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I would dare say, and I actually heard Esther Perrell say this the other day.

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[SPEAKER_01]: She was like, I would much rather be dating 50 years ago than today.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I see that, and I'm like, yo, I get it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think the state of dating is so insane.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, if you take a bunch of unregulated people and you give them the space to just go fuck, they're going to do that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and chaos will ensue.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm just really, what are you seeing out here in the dating world?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Are you seeing with people in the experiences that they're having?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you make a great point.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm glad you brought that up about Esther Pearl.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The state of dating is absolutely insane.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And she's absolutely right.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Dating 50 years ago, dating now.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If you're listening in your single, I mean, wow.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It is, it's wild out here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And what I'm seeing when I was actively on the dating apps are,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Not just men, men and women.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone has their guards up right now.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They have their guards up.

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[SPEAKER_00]: People don't want to label things.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They want to see where it goes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No one is really interested in commitment.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, I'm dating in a certain age group.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So that's where I'm looking and seeing.

17:03.062 --> 17:08.231
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, I know even for younger people, it's even crazier situationships.

17:08.311 --> 17:09.012
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's hook up.

17:09.052 --> 17:11.156
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's do everything like run a relationship.

17:11.577 --> 17:13.560
[SPEAKER_00]: But let's not call it a relationship.

17:13.540 --> 17:17.086
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, as far as intimacy goes, it's very open now.

17:17.206 --> 17:18.809
[SPEAKER_00]: It's as simple as a handshake.

17:18.949 --> 17:26.042
[SPEAKER_00]: No people seem to not really care about, you know, the repercussions or even mental repercussions of what this can mean for people.

17:26.563 --> 17:33.495
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, like, as you mentioned earlier in your 20s of being just malleable, ameniable to anything, I love that, I love this.

17:33.575 --> 17:37.101
[SPEAKER_00]: I always tell this story of me dating a guy that enjoyed surfing.

17:37.081 --> 17:46.134
[SPEAKER_00]: and I cannot swim, and I had a weave at the time, and I was at the ocean looking like a crazy person, and he's like, BIT, you coming into the water, and I was like, you know what?

17:46.955 --> 18:05.501
[SPEAKER_00]: Give me one sec, BIT, let me just sit here and take a couple of photos, you know, you go do your thing, and he was like, DRIKE, and you're not swim, I was like, no, but I really like you, so, you know, I'm over here almost dying, so I can be with this guy, you know, and that's just the journey, and so now... That's not gonna depend on you.

18:05.801 --> 18:07.003
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's just crazy.

18:07.118 --> 18:11.086
[SPEAKER_00]: now with the state of dating, it is all about disconnection.

18:11.227 --> 18:12.950
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that we moved towards.

18:13.451 --> 18:17.580
[SPEAKER_00]: We're moving away from a codependent to like worry about yourself, focus on yourself.

18:17.620 --> 18:22.009
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think we've over indexed a bit and now we've gone too far solo.

18:22.029 --> 18:25.937
[SPEAKER_00]: This hyper-independence has driven us away from remembering

18:25.917 --> 18:33.710
[SPEAKER_00]: the beauty and joy of coexisting with another human being and if anybody does anything because there's so many options.

18:34.111 --> 18:35.273
[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many options.

18:35.573 --> 18:36.695
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you said something wrong.

18:36.815 --> 18:37.857
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you text me wrong.

18:38.117 --> 18:41.423
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like the way you X by see you later.

18:41.703 --> 18:47.854
[SPEAKER_00]: And so when you're on the dating apps, it'll take maybe, you know, two to three weeks to have a conversation with somebody like a full conversation.

18:48.094 --> 18:48.735
[SPEAKER_00]: People start

18:48.715 --> 18:49.576
[SPEAKER_00]: They disappear.

18:49.616 --> 18:50.877
[SPEAKER_00]: They're on their for validation.

18:51.137 --> 18:52.418
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they're still in relationships.

18:52.659 --> 18:53.940
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they're going through a hard time.

18:54.160 --> 18:55.401
[SPEAKER_00]: They just want to get a little hit.

18:55.661 --> 18:56.702
[SPEAKER_00]: Get a little conversation.

18:56.742 --> 18:58.164
[SPEAKER_00]: Go remember that they're cute.

18:58.544 --> 19:04.209
[SPEAKER_00]: So finding someone, the value of someone who's like, hey, I really want to do this.

19:04.429 --> 19:05.050
[SPEAKER_00]: I like you.

19:05.210 --> 19:06.191
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's no games.

19:06.591 --> 19:10.134
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so much higher than it used to be because these people now are unicorns.

19:10.375 --> 19:11.075
[SPEAKER_00]: They're actual.

19:11.355 --> 19:11.936
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, what?

19:12.416 --> 19:13.437
[SPEAKER_00]: Like my current boyfriend now.

19:13.477 --> 19:18.722
[SPEAKER_01]: He is like, oh, God, he's going to tell me that it's a current boyfriend.

19:18.702 --> 19:19.764
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, baby, I love you.

19:19.784 --> 19:20.285
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you.

19:20.305 --> 19:20.946
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a thing.

19:21.147 --> 19:21.848
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a thing.

19:21.968 --> 19:28.882
[SPEAKER_00]: Charlie, we're still new, but my boyfriend is so available for the hard conversations.

19:28.942 --> 19:30.706
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he is available for it.

19:30.946 --> 19:32.629
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, are you an alien?

19:32.970 --> 19:33.792
[SPEAKER_00]: Where did you come from?

19:34.212 --> 19:36.036
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's what it's like dating right now.

19:36.573 --> 19:36.933
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

19:37.614 --> 19:41.980
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I, I mean, I've walked that path, but I'm both sides of that coin.

19:42.000 --> 19:42.680
[SPEAKER_01]: That's for sure.

19:42.740 --> 19:51.010
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and I think the thing that I try to come to and that I remember in this is that it's all about your intention.

19:51.571 --> 19:56.737
[SPEAKER_01]: But there's also that thing people people have become very disposable for each other.

19:56.777 --> 19:59.100
[SPEAKER_01]: And we live in a throwaway culture.

19:59.300 --> 20:03.205
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's even more difficult when you've been thrown away your whole life.

20:03.185 --> 20:11.873
[SPEAKER_01]: when all you know and all you've experienced is being thrown away, to then go into dating, you're like, oh, this is just exactly like how my parents treated me.

20:12.033 --> 20:13.434
[SPEAKER_01]: This is how my siblings treated me.

20:13.494 --> 20:14.435
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm, I don't matter.

20:14.455 --> 20:15.256
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not important.

20:15.496 --> 20:17.018
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to take it where I can get it.

20:17.578 --> 20:20.321
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is how you end up in these horrific relationships.

20:20.401 --> 20:26.386
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe maybe not abusive necessarily, but neglectful and empty, and they can't have the hard conversations.

20:26.446 --> 20:32.972
[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, even though I think the term gaslighting has like kind of left the social ether,

20:32.952 --> 20:47.265
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it is a thing and not everyone's narcissistic because that's not a thing, but everyone is always looking for a reason to bail and and I guess coming back to this idea where it's like you you are only ever going to get

20:47.465 --> 20:49.631
[SPEAKER_01]: the energy that you're putting into the world.

20:50.293 --> 20:58.375
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've, I've felt this so many times in my life where whoever I am with is a direct reflection of the person I am, always.

20:59.438 --> 20:59.659
[SPEAKER_00]: Every time.

20:59.679 --> 21:03.229
[SPEAKER_01]: Even if it's a hookup, and I mean, and that's just true.

21:03.209 --> 21:16.569
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you get it in this place in your life where at some point, here's what I was I was listening to Alex Hermosie and him and Leila over the years of head dinners with them and hung out with them guy and they're frigging awesome.

21:16.589 --> 21:30.950
[SPEAKER_01]: Leila's been on the shell acts is coming on the show soon and he said something on a clip that just, I heard this about three years ago and it just stuck with me and it has stuck with me since and it's changed so much about the way that I navigate dating.

21:31.451 --> 21:32.693
[SPEAKER_01]: And he said,

21:32.673 --> 21:52.381
[SPEAKER_01]: I would give up novelty for loyalty every day of the week, and I was like, that's incredible because we're going to have a lot of people who are going to be 60 in single, 70 in single, never having a relationship, never, and look, you don't have to get married, you don't have that kids, I get it, whatever, do your thing.

21:52.761 --> 22:00.452
[SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, if you tack on this idea about the world that we live in, plus you already don't feel you're worthy,

22:00.432 --> 22:08.209
[SPEAKER_01]: and everybody's throwing each other away, and AI, I mean, now you can get Dildo's delivered by Amazon in three hours.

22:09.031 --> 22:19.234
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and so it's like, and then AI sex robots, you know, and VR, I don't know what's about to happen, but for a lot of people it's going to get really, really bad.

22:19.214 --> 22:28.609
[SPEAKER_01]: So yes, how do you even, you know, when you're talking to these folks, how do you help them start to navigate this place and understand like intention?

22:29.090 --> 22:29.271
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

22:29.291 --> 22:34.399
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I would have to assume for you to be in a relationship now, that it happened by accident.

22:34.699 --> 22:36.723
[SPEAKER_01]: You must have set out intention, right?

22:37.304 --> 22:40.249
[SPEAKER_01]: How do we, how do we help people who, you know, they were abandoned.

22:40.269 --> 22:40.970
[SPEAKER_01]: They're dad left.

22:40.990 --> 22:42.512
[SPEAKER_01]: Their mom was a drug addict.

22:42.532 --> 22:44.015
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we're in this world.

22:44.055 --> 22:45.998
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, how do you figure this out now?

22:47.041 --> 22:51.085
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, the first thing I always tell people is it starts with you, right?

22:51.186 --> 22:59.014
[SPEAKER_00]: The biggest mistake that I made in the beginning was thinking that everything, my validation, my worth, everything has to be outsourced.

22:59.515 --> 23:01.837
[SPEAKER_00]: It needs to come from a thing outside of myself.

23:02.138 --> 23:07.123
[SPEAKER_00]: And once you realize that people will sell you, people will hurt you, people will abandon you.

23:07.163 --> 23:08.385
[SPEAKER_00]: These things are gonna happen.

23:08.665 --> 23:12.289
[SPEAKER_00]: You really got to start finding things that you can control

23:12.269 --> 23:16.258
[SPEAKER_00]: higher power, what you're doing to yourself, the things that you're reading, the things that you're listening.

23:16.539 --> 23:18.524
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, who are you talking to?

23:18.624 --> 23:19.727
[SPEAKER_00]: Who are your friends?

23:20.047 --> 23:21.130
[SPEAKER_00]: All of these things matter.

23:21.210 --> 23:26.222
[SPEAKER_00]: I love what you just said about, you know, whoever you were with, even if it was a hookup, was a reflection of you.

23:26.242 --> 23:27.966
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think taking...

23:27.946 --> 23:33.677
[SPEAKER_00]: a moment to really take an inventory of yourself and how you're treating yourself as important.

23:33.898 --> 23:39.068
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think we put a lot of expectations out, women, no shade to my ladies, but I'm a lady, I've done it.

23:39.368 --> 23:41.633
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we want this, we want that, we want this.

23:41.673 --> 23:44.318
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, you know, we don't even know if we're

23:44.298 --> 24:14.136
[SPEAKER_00]: If we are that or if we are you know capable of handling somebody who really brings in these things and so I always tell people start with you and I know that sounds just like oh my god, you know, I just wish that he would say he would do and it's like when you find something that's unshakable that is yours right that you can work on whether it's meditation whether you're religious whatever it is the work that you can do for yourself taking inventory building your community.

24:14.116 --> 24:15.859
[SPEAKER_00]: It is hard out there dating right now.

24:16.320 --> 24:23.391
[SPEAKER_00]: And to me, set your non-negotiables, really know what you want, if you were looking to have a long-term relationship.

24:23.531 --> 24:26.937
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, there may be people listening, who are like, oh, I'm just going out there to casually date.

24:27.217 --> 24:28.480
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a whole other thing.

24:28.720 --> 24:30.623
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you were dating intentionally,

24:30.603 --> 24:33.227
[SPEAKER_00]: know what you want and stand by that.

24:33.307 --> 24:37.233
[SPEAKER_00]: We all get distracted a little bit by a chemistry.

24:37.273 --> 24:38.275
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, oh, he's hot.

24:38.295 --> 24:38.916
[SPEAKER_00]: You got a beard.

24:38.956 --> 24:39.597
[SPEAKER_00]: You got ads.

24:39.637 --> 24:40.198
[SPEAKER_00]: He's tall.

24:40.578 --> 24:42.181
[SPEAKER_00]: And then we're forgetting our beliefs.

24:42.201 --> 24:43.262
[SPEAKER_00]: We're forgetting our values.

24:43.703 --> 24:47.869
[SPEAKER_00]: And as my mom always eloquently says, you cannot stay in the bed all day.

24:48.390 --> 24:49.392
[SPEAKER_00]: Love does not pay the rent.

24:49.592 --> 24:49.933
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

24:50.233 --> 24:50.614
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't.

24:50.634 --> 24:52.537
[SPEAKER_00]: She always says, you know, you can't stay in the bed all day.

24:52.597 --> 24:53.438
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what you know.

24:53.418 --> 24:55.481
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's like it's true.

24:55.562 --> 24:56.824
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got to light with people.

24:57.124 --> 25:00.129
[SPEAKER_00]: What is this person doing on a random Tuesday for the next 10 years?

25:00.189 --> 25:01.091
[SPEAKER_00]: Like can you do that?

25:01.331 --> 25:03.014
[SPEAKER_00]: How do they load the freaking dishwasher?

25:03.254 --> 25:03.775
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

25:03.815 --> 25:04.957
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they clean their clothes?

25:04.997 --> 25:06.820
[SPEAKER_00]: How do they listen listen?

25:07.061 --> 25:09.064
[SPEAKER_00]: I might my boyfriend set me this thing about

25:09.044 --> 25:15.156
[SPEAKER_00]: There's two people in a relationship, somebody who loads the dishwasher with the OCD and the not the one who's like a raccoon on math.

25:15.536 --> 25:16.498
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm the raccoon on math.

25:16.518 --> 25:17.059
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

25:17.159 --> 25:18.903
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just like all over the place.

25:19.143 --> 25:24.353
[SPEAKER_00]: But you really got to understand what you want and like

25:24.333 --> 25:29.521
[SPEAKER_00]: beyond the attraction beyond this like, bubble like I love that loyalty over novelty.

25:30.062 --> 25:34.909
[SPEAKER_00]: And there are going to be so many people, 40, 50, 60 that are single forever.

25:34.969 --> 25:38.114
[SPEAKER_00]: My girlfriend just told me about a guy, a couple of days ago she went on a date with.

25:38.154 --> 25:41.659
[SPEAKER_00]: He's 59, saying, let's see where this goes.

25:42.120 --> 25:45.485
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and couldn't plan a date, didn't know how to do it.

25:45.505 --> 25:46.927
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like this man's 60.

25:47.848 --> 25:50.332
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's never been in a long term relationship.

25:50.352 --> 25:51.133
[SPEAKER_00]: And so,

25:51.113 --> 26:05.831
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it is, it's, I hate to say of it, it's a little, it's bleak out there at the moment and dating is getting more and more to the point where people are just like forget it, I don't want to do this, it's too much and and if people are accepting, yeah, maybe my life is just going to be a bunch of casual hookups.

26:06.092 --> 26:16.665
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, the unicorn people that want to date intentionally show up and treasure it out with you in the real way because you're going to have conflict, all relationships have conflict.

26:16.848 --> 26:29.322
[SPEAKER_00]: I talk about this so much on the show and that is where the true intimacy is and I think we all get nervous and we try to avoid it so we can keep the person and you're just building and building and building resentments.

26:29.555 --> 26:33.443
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and they're one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse according to the gotmans, right?

26:33.824 --> 26:43.703
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that you're in this position where you have to look at your life and understand that intention matters, how you show up matters.

26:44.305 --> 26:46.990
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I often ask myself this question.

26:47.358 --> 27:00.224
[SPEAKER_01]: am I a person worth being with, you know, you pointed it out and and look, there's an echo chamber of social media about the way that people see the world today and those people are all wrong.

27:00.545 --> 27:08.742
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're going to find out they're wrong, particularly the people who are like I expected guy who's six foot, make six figures six pack, you know, like,

27:08.722 --> 27:15.732
[SPEAKER_01]: Yo, chances that this guy even once you are very slim to none, then you have to consider as he straight, is he already married?

27:15.972 --> 27:16.873
[SPEAKER_01]: Does he have kids?

27:16.933 --> 27:18.175
[SPEAKER_01]: Does he not have kids?

27:18.856 --> 27:20.078
[SPEAKER_01]: Is he attracted to you?

27:20.378 --> 27:21.520
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have common interests?

27:21.600 --> 27:26.987
[SPEAKER_01]: Are the variables in alignment at least enough so that you're compatible?

27:27.448 --> 27:30.392
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, you know, there was a time

27:30.372 --> 27:32.034
[SPEAKER_01]: where like height wasn't a thing.

27:32.415 --> 27:43.110
[SPEAKER_01]: Where if a man was kind and took care of you, not a nice guy, not the fucking door mat, but like could plan a date and knew how to open a door and, you know, took at least two things.

27:43.391 --> 27:46.635
[SPEAKER_01]: Like chicks were like cool, you know, and now they expect private jets.

27:46.655 --> 27:52.043
[SPEAKER_01]: I saw the, the whatever podcasts to me is one of the weirdest things on planet earth.

27:52.023 --> 28:04.803
[SPEAKER_01]: But I love it and they were interviewing this group of women on the recent real that I saw and they're like how many What percentage of men do you think make a million dollars a year and these girls?

28:04.863 --> 28:06.986
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm calling them girls because they were very immature.

28:07.367 --> 28:12.815
[SPEAKER_01]: They were like oh, I bet 10% of men make a million dollars a year 7% of men 3% of men.

28:12.836 --> 28:18.925
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like you are so wrong and I'm a huge fan of data and statistics You can't hide from numbers

28:18.905 --> 28:45.064
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, Morgan Stanley released a study and it says roughly 45% of women are going to be single by the year 2030 and that's in 45 and that's in the mean demographic of age 25 to 44 here's what the study doesn't account for the rapid rate of AI and what is about to happen in usable human technology.

28:45.652 --> 28:59.914
[SPEAKER_01]: I think I mean we're only what four years away from that that might be closer to 60% right But then here's the counter to it right and this isn't me like throwing women under a bus We got a lot of dudes who are

29:00.282 --> 29:06.013
[SPEAKER_01]: for a lack of a bit of a way to phrase it, they have false started and they are men children.

29:06.273 --> 29:13.306
[SPEAKER_01]: And we have come from the society where if you were like me, you were raised by mama and mama.

29:13.807 --> 29:15.610
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't know how to be a man.

29:15.630 --> 29:21.461
[SPEAKER_01]: Because we grew up being told how to placate women, not how to be a man.

29:21.521 --> 29:23.505
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are not the same thing.

29:23.485 --> 29:33.294
[SPEAKER_01]: And so now we have this weird dichotomy and this is why women are like, I want to masculine man and men are like, I am masculine like, no, you're not.

29:33.434 --> 29:36.656
[SPEAKER_01]: You have male characteristics, but you're not masculine.

29:37.377 --> 29:38.778
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's one of the problems.

29:38.798 --> 29:42.021
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you have women who were all in combat with each other.

29:42.081 --> 29:45.444
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't have discourse like this because people get mad.

29:45.824 --> 29:50.068
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm just like, let's just look at the reality of the world that we're in.

29:50.589 --> 29:52.210
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you sprinkle on,

29:52.190 --> 30:00.562
[SPEAKER_01]: the experiences of childhood trauma and the backgrounds of neglects and abuse and all of these dichotomy and so everyone has set up for failure.

30:01.022 --> 30:02.064
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they just are.

30:02.825 --> 30:10.796
[SPEAKER_01]: But let's say you get lucky because I don't want to just sit in the the the the the lava of it all if you would.

30:10.816 --> 30:10.976
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

30:11.236 --> 30:11.476
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

30:11.497 --> 30:13.019
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I do believe in love.

30:13.459 --> 30:14.401
[SPEAKER_01]: I love rom-coms.

30:14.721 --> 30:17.084
[SPEAKER_01]: I love romantic experiences.

30:17.224 --> 30:18.406
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a romantic guy.

30:18.426 --> 30:19.868
[SPEAKER_01]: I

30:19.848 --> 30:23.774
[SPEAKER_01]: And I believe in the idea that love is here for everybody.

30:23.934 --> 30:25.597
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, it took me a long time to get there.

30:25.657 --> 30:33.589
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of work, but I think in order to have success, there's this thing that you have to do, and that's like, you have to build connection.

30:34.070 --> 30:40.219
[SPEAKER_01]: But what's so hard is people want to build connection, but at the same time, they want to run away.

30:40.435 --> 30:42.960
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you start to build?

30:42.980 --> 30:52.336
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's say, let's say you navigated the mine field of dating, maybe you met somebody in person, and it was great, and you're connected, and you're like, let's do this.

30:53.238 --> 30:55.542
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you set yourself up for success?

30:56.416 --> 31:01.789
[SPEAKER_00]: The first way to set yourself up for success is to make sure that you have a willing partner.

31:01.809 --> 31:09.227
[SPEAKER_00]: I think willingness is so important in a relationship because the person has to learn you just like you have to learn the other person.

31:09.248 --> 31:12.315
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you've gotten through all the things, the apps, the

31:12.295 --> 31:33.088
[SPEAKER_00]: what are we doing and you're finally solidifying who each other that your boyfriend and girlfriend we're doing this we're dating exclusively now the work starts now the work starts you do not know who you're dating until you have a disagreement I will always say that till today I die you do not know who you are dating so it's so easy to have a good time with someone that's easy no problem but you know what

31:33.068 --> 31:40.120
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, you forgot to bring the lemons or you were late or whatever and you start to see the real Sides of a person.

31:40.140 --> 31:41.522
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not as shiny anymore.

31:41.602 --> 31:42.964
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you're kind of like, oh, wow.

31:43.064 --> 31:44.727
[SPEAKER_00]: She really doesn't know what to do.

31:44.747 --> 31:45.288
[SPEAKER_00]: The dishwasher.

31:45.328 --> 31:45.949
[SPEAKER_00]: This is crazy.

31:46.330 --> 31:47.051
[SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna be nuts.

31:47.492 --> 31:48.954
[SPEAKER_00]: But you got to ask yourself something.

31:48.994 --> 31:50.557
[SPEAKER_00]: What is important, right?

31:50.577 --> 31:52.720
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's like, yeah, he, he, he got mad at me about that.

31:52.740 --> 31:53.241
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh my god.

31:53.261 --> 31:54.003
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all the big deal.

31:55.064 --> 31:56.747
[SPEAKER_00]: But to him, it's a big deal and

31:56.727 --> 32:14.616
[SPEAKER_00]: The love that you have for the person if you're at that that space and the willingness I think will take you so far in the relationship And also what is the backstory in your head about this person this is something I'm not about just recently because if you really don't respect this person and you actually don't like them It is going to show up in your relationship.

32:14.656 --> 32:16.679
[SPEAKER_00]: You could show them be civil and cordial.

32:16.999 --> 32:17.520
[SPEAKER_00]: It's fine.

32:17.560 --> 32:21.787
[SPEAKER_00]: You know whatever But if you aren't addressing those resentments as they are happening.

32:22.067 --> 32:23.730
[SPEAKER_00]: It is going to continue building up

32:23.710 --> 32:40.493
[SPEAKER_00]: and you will end up in the normal relationship that we've all experienced, where you just walk around like slightly angry, but you get used to it and it's okay, but I say if you are at that point, really get honest about how do you communicate, how do you need to be loved?

32:41.154 --> 32:42.455
[SPEAKER_00]: What makes you feel seen?

32:42.796 --> 32:51.928
[SPEAKER_00]: Asking these questions to your partner and really taking them on, I'm learning in my current relationship that I'm not always the best listener, I think I am, and then I jump into defense.

32:51.908 --> 32:52.530
[SPEAKER_00]: immediately.

32:52.751 --> 32:54.878
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like, Drea, I'm not what just happened.

32:54.898 --> 32:55.721
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, Oh, my gosh.

32:56.142 --> 32:56.704
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so sorry.

32:56.744 --> 33:00.999
[SPEAKER_00]: My seven year old thinks that you're leaving or my seven year old thinks that you're attacking us.

33:01.420 --> 33:03.186
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's something I got to work on.

33:03.627 --> 33:04.129
[SPEAKER_00]: And

33:04.784 --> 33:10.932
[SPEAKER_00]: having more moments in my relationship where I go, ooh, you know what, honey, um, I don't know if this is about you right now.

33:10.952 --> 33:15.998
[SPEAKER_00]: This may just be something that's coming up in me and it's coming out towards you, but I don't think this is a directed at you.

33:16.058 --> 33:17.640
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me take a look at myself for a second.

33:18.040 --> 33:21.745
[SPEAKER_00]: Or, hey, babe, this is actually specific to us and we need to address this.

33:22.126 --> 33:29.134
[SPEAKER_00]: If you can have these conversations that don't turn into arguments, because you're gonna have disagreements, but not everything has to be an argument.

33:29.515 --> 33:32.158
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you can get so far, but finding,

33:32.138 --> 33:37.585
[SPEAKER_00]: a person that is willing to do this kind of work today that has an emotional satchel.

33:37.986 --> 33:40.850
[SPEAKER_00]: I call it like they got a support system.

33:40.910 --> 33:43.613
[SPEAKER_00]: They're outsourcing in terms of like who are they talking to?

33:43.633 --> 33:47.598
[SPEAKER_00]: They have like a community they can rely on or a higher power, whatever it is.

33:48.319 --> 33:51.784
[SPEAKER_00]: And finding something that you two together can also

33:51.764 --> 33:55.433
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, maybe spiritually align on or religiously align on.

33:55.453 --> 34:01.709
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's super helpful to your relationship to remember that it's about the two of you together and you're not opponents.

34:01.729 --> 34:04.356
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's all these elements that I think you

34:04.724 --> 34:05.966
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not sexy.

34:05.986 --> 34:07.028
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the other thing I really want to say.

34:07.048 --> 34:08.290
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not sexy stuff.

34:08.370 --> 34:09.011
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

34:09.051 --> 34:11.776
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think everybody wants everything to be butterflies and rainbows.

34:12.137 --> 34:13.499
[SPEAKER_00]: But life is real.

34:14.000 --> 34:18.888
[SPEAKER_00]: And once the luster of who this person is balls off, you have a lot of questions to ask yourself.

34:19.209 --> 34:24.117
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is the point that people start separating now because it's too hard.

34:24.097 --> 34:27.365
[SPEAKER_00]: And you really got to ask yourself, hey, like, you know what?

34:27.425 --> 34:28.828
[SPEAKER_00]: This really isn't that big of a deal.

34:28.888 --> 34:29.870
[SPEAKER_00]: And this person loves me.

34:29.971 --> 34:30.913
[SPEAKER_00]: I respect them.

34:31.414 --> 34:32.356
[SPEAKER_00]: That is so important.

34:32.376 --> 34:33.599
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you respect your partner?

34:33.659 --> 34:36.005
[SPEAKER_00]: Not just love them, but do you respect them?

34:36.185 --> 34:39.152
[SPEAKER_00]: So you got to ask yourself all these questions when you're in that space.

34:39.200 --> 34:42.005
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, great points.

34:42.025 --> 34:44.930
[SPEAKER_01]: And also, I'll add one is like, are you friends?

34:45.090 --> 34:46.913
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, do you actually like each other?

34:46.933 --> 34:53.965
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and I think, like, good, good sex can overshadow everything that you just said, right?

34:54.005 --> 34:59.054
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and sometimes like, you gotta get yourself grounded back into reality.

34:59.094 --> 35:00.316
[SPEAKER_01]: It's true.

35:00.376 --> 35:01.358
[SPEAKER_01]: You know what I mean?

35:01.438 --> 35:04.363
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, we're human biological creatures.

35:04.343 --> 35:11.492
[SPEAKER_01]: dopamine hit, that epinephrine hit, that feeling of being like, wow, we're going to be destined for each other.

35:11.572 --> 35:16.538
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the second year in reality together, you're like, wait a second, this is really bad, right?

35:16.698 --> 35:19.582
[SPEAKER_01]: It is like, that's that's a reality that you have to do with.

35:20.002 --> 35:25.589
[SPEAKER_01]: But you said something that I think is actually one of the most valid points I've ever heard anyone say.

35:25.629 --> 35:28.933
[SPEAKER_01]: So like, do you have a willing partner?

35:28.913 --> 35:30.796
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that you both have to be willing.

35:31.577 --> 35:36.084
[SPEAKER_01]: And that requires vulnerability and like that real shit vulnerability.

35:36.144 --> 35:45.319
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm scared because my mom left me and she was a drug addict and we had this fight and now I'm really concerned that you're going to walk out the door.

35:45.299 --> 35:45.940
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

35:45.960 --> 35:53.335
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's really difficult for people to step into because, guess what, on the back side of that, they could walk out the door.

35:53.396 --> 35:54.518
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't know.

35:54.578 --> 35:58.225
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you are tied, how do I want to phrase this?

35:58.827 --> 36:06.362
[SPEAKER_01]: In my experience, the best relationships that I've had are the ones where we could sit with each other and just tell the truth.

36:06.342 --> 36:16.511
[SPEAKER_01]: And honesty is very, very difficult, because you said, again, I'm going to latch on to this, you know, what is your story in your head about this person and who they are?

36:17.272 --> 36:22.877
[SPEAKER_01]: There is a lot of truth about you're not going to find out who someone is, tell you're in the trenches with them.

36:23.337 --> 36:27.381
[SPEAKER_01]: Somebody sick, somebody lost a job, there's a death in the family.

36:27.681 --> 36:32.786
[SPEAKER_01]: We've got an experience that's so outside the norm of what we've built, now we're in chaos.

36:33.246 --> 36:34.948
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that people...

36:34.928 --> 36:46.241
[SPEAKER_01]: In those moments, we'll revert to behavioral patterns that serve them, and they'll forget to be in connection with each other, and that leads down this path that you said, which is resentment.

36:46.842 --> 36:59.776
[SPEAKER_01]: And if I could better understand anything about human beings, it's that once you have resentment getting back from that is almost impossible.

37:00.217 --> 37:02.860
[SPEAKER_01]: And so how do you mitigate the risk of that?

37:04.055 --> 37:06.678
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you could not have set a true statement.

37:06.919 --> 37:11.585
[SPEAKER_00]: Once you are in those resentments, I call it the pebble in the shoe analogy.

37:11.985 --> 37:17.893
[SPEAKER_00]: And what I mean by that is that if you have a little pebble or something great in your shoe, you could walk around with it like you're fine.

37:17.973 --> 37:20.517
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to stop and check it and clear out your shoe.

37:20.537 --> 37:21.498
[SPEAKER_00]: You can keep walking with it.

37:21.758 --> 37:25.984
[SPEAKER_00]: But over time, as there's more and more getting into your shoe, you're starting to get a little bit uncomfortable.

37:26.264 --> 37:28.086
[SPEAKER_00]: And then oh my god, then you have to go in and check.

37:28.367 --> 37:33.133
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel like relationships are the same way in terms of the resentment pebble.

37:33.113 --> 37:33.894
[SPEAKER_00]: address it.

37:34.455 --> 37:41.184
[SPEAKER_00]: Have the vulnerability say, hey, can we have an honest conversation and think about the way that you are framing things to your partner?

37:41.465 --> 37:44.249
[SPEAKER_00]: This is one for the women specifically and the timing.

37:44.589 --> 37:48.134
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to just say stuff because I felt like saying it whenever the hell I wanted to say it.

37:48.294 --> 37:49.977
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, this man does a worked all day.

37:50.017 --> 37:51.819
[SPEAKER_00]: He just walked in the door.

37:51.879 --> 37:52.861
[SPEAKER_00]: He's hungry.

37:52.881 --> 37:54.463
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, hey babe.

37:54.443 --> 37:55.064
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what?

37:55.305 --> 37:56.788
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, it's not the time.

37:57.148 --> 37:57.669
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

37:57.770 --> 38:00.836
[SPEAKER_00]: And so lovingly phrasing things a certain way.

38:01.257 --> 38:04.102
[SPEAKER_00]: Thinking about, can I be honest with this person?

38:04.142 --> 38:11.457
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you can't be honest with your partner and tell them how you feel because they're going to last shout or you're going to lose them, leave them.

38:11.437 --> 38:12.779
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I always say.

38:12.799 --> 38:16.166
[SPEAKER_00]: If they're going to lash out and you're afraid to lose them, leave them.

38:16.386 --> 38:17.448
[SPEAKER_00]: That is not your person.

38:17.749 --> 38:29.169
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I will stand by that forever because you have, if you want a sustainable real intimate relationship intimacy, truly is scary and people do not want to do it.

38:29.370 --> 38:32.736
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you don't want to walk around like honestly, I feel most people

38:32.716 --> 38:37.041
[SPEAKER_00]: are walking around with resentments because their parents did, and their parents parents did.

38:37.322 --> 38:39.725
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you think about how many healthy relationships have you seen?

38:40.185 --> 38:43.189
[SPEAKER_00]: Have you seen people have healthy conflict, healthy disagreements?

38:43.469 --> 38:44.090
[SPEAKER_00]: Probably not.

38:44.511 --> 38:45.812
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my mom walked out the door.

38:45.852 --> 38:46.493
[SPEAKER_00]: She slammed a door.

38:46.774 --> 38:47.535
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad yelled.

38:47.695 --> 38:49.056
[SPEAKER_00]: They just didn't talk about it the next day.

38:49.317 --> 38:50.899
[SPEAKER_00]: Building, building, building.

38:51.099 --> 38:55.965
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to get into the work, address those resentments, address that pebble in the shoe before it's too late.

38:57.167 --> 38:58.268
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, timing does matter.

38:58.417 --> 38:59.759
[SPEAKER_01]: and I'll add to that.

38:59.779 --> 39:00.761
[SPEAKER_01]: This is not mine.

39:00.881 --> 39:20.695
[SPEAKER_01]: I wish I came up with this, but there's this concept called hash and these are the times where you don't make decisions and you don't have hard conversations and it's if you're hungry, angry, sad or horny and so if you're hungry, angry, sad or horny, do not make decisions or have really hard conversations that could change your life.

39:20.675 --> 39:25.180
[SPEAKER_01]: So, I'm a firm believer in that, right?

39:25.240 --> 39:45.822
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you're in this place where like, if you do want to break the cycle of mom and dad didn't talk, everything got shoved under the rug, you know, then you have these really awkward conversations as children and all of this thing that happens and you're constantly in repair, you're gonna be able to do it more effectively when you're not repeating behavioral patterns.

39:45.802 --> 39:53.110
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you're not, but if you're not regulated, because you're hungry, angry, sat or horny, like how are you do that?

39:53.170 --> 40:08.085
[SPEAKER_01]: I teach this to my clients when I'm coaching them a lot is that if you are in your sympathetic nervous system, your mental and hip-a-campus are not operating in the way that they should be, you're not going to be able to make cognizant decisions.

40:08.245 --> 40:14.712
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're in your

40:14.692 --> 40:18.695
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, for some people, I tend to lean towards how you operate.

40:18.796 --> 40:20.317
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, let's talk about it now.

40:20.857 --> 40:21.798
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I got to want to wait.

40:21.898 --> 40:23.279
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, let's get this shit figured out.

40:23.299 --> 40:24.941
[SPEAKER_01]: I got other things to worry about, right?

40:25.261 --> 40:29.845
[SPEAKER_01]: And for other, and I've learned, like, even for myself, actually, I need a pause.

40:30.245 --> 40:35.850
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me, let me come back to this when I'm not in this space of ready to kick the door in.

40:36.411 --> 40:44.698
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's a really, really tough thing to do because now you're having to get in this place

40:44.678 --> 40:47.803
[SPEAKER_01]: and you have the frame language to maintain connection.

40:47.823 --> 40:55.497
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that's a big part of what you talk about, so I want you to break that down, because I think that's going to be beneficial for everybody listening.

40:56.518 --> 40:59.003
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, framing language is so important.

40:59.283 --> 41:07.818
[SPEAKER_00]: How you approach your partner, one of the things that I do in my relationship is I will ask myself, how would I want this information to come to me, right?

41:07.858 --> 41:09.100
[SPEAKER_00]: And also,

41:09.822 --> 41:16.514
[SPEAKER_00]: I start with myself when I do these framing conversations, like, Oh, Dreya, maybe you didn't sound right.

41:16.574 --> 41:24.829
[SPEAKER_00]: And I, and I really take a lot of pauses in these moments, because if I go too fast and I'm in that activated state, I'm starting to say things.

41:24.929 --> 41:26.172
[SPEAKER_00]: My voice gets loud.

41:26.292 --> 41:31.341
[SPEAKER_00]: I start sounding like a kid and I'm trying to, and so I take a deep breath.

41:31.321 --> 41:35.149
[SPEAKER_00]: and I go back to my adult self, because that's my inner child.

41:35.490 --> 41:49.279
[SPEAKER_00]: She's trying to fix, she's defending, she's trying to, she don't leave me or, no, you know, and no one's listening, because then sometimes if you're partner can't stay in their adult self, but a lot of times it's two inner children, just talking to each other.

41:49.597 --> 41:50.318
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?

41:50.779 --> 41:52.562
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, it's not sexy.

41:52.682 --> 41:53.383
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not fun.

41:53.644 --> 41:58.471
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it feels a little bit clinical when you're having these conversations like, hi, sweetheart.

41:58.732 --> 42:00.855
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you have this space to hear my thoughts, right?

42:01.136 --> 42:02.738
[SPEAKER_00]: But it is helpful.

42:02.859 --> 42:05.082
[SPEAKER_00]: I know it because I'm the one who should stop this.

42:05.423 --> 42:10.491
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm like, listen, babe, we need to stay in our adult selves and if seven year old comes out.

42:10.943 --> 42:12.084
[SPEAKER_00]: all bets are off.

42:12.365 --> 42:15.889
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to need to stick to this script so we can have this conversation.

42:16.329 --> 42:21.395
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you feel yourself getting activated while you're framing, because sometimes those things can cause resentment.

42:21.695 --> 42:24.178
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe one partner isn't in that space right now.

42:24.198 --> 42:29.283
[SPEAKER_00]: They just want to talk normally, but you got to remember there are two people in this relationship.

42:29.343 --> 42:39.735
[SPEAKER_00]: And if long as you can see both of you against the problem and not you against each other, you're going to get far.

42:39.715 --> 42:40.457
[SPEAKER_00]: easy thing.

42:40.757 --> 42:42.040
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't say this fluently.

42:42.281 --> 42:43.043
[SPEAKER_00]: We are human.

42:43.564 --> 42:52.203
[SPEAKER_00]: We get regulated and dysregulated, excuse me, and we lose it a little bit, but being able to come back and say, hey, babe, huge.

42:52.604 --> 42:53.386
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry.

42:53.446 --> 42:55.952
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me try that again.

42:55.932 --> 43:11.713
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to speak to you that way or that you know what I had some other stuff going on and I've taken that out on you the power and being able to take accountability and frame things to say I'm not blaming you for that this is about me is so powerful and I don't think that we do it enough.

43:11.693 --> 43:27.002
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I really hope people listening, remember that framing is so important and it can really change your relationship and add sustainability to it because people do not do it, it's not something people that that they can do even if you've been practicing it for a long time.

43:27.185 --> 43:32.492
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you can you revert back, but being able to just say, hey, let's start this over again.

43:32.852 --> 43:40.581
[SPEAKER_00]: Now look, if everybody's just activated and is the bad time, we need to take, you go take a walk, I'll go take a walk, and also that's okay.

43:41.102 --> 43:44.867
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to step away and just say, we need to talk about this later.

43:45.447 --> 43:49.352
[SPEAKER_00]: So framing, super important to your relationship, but you need the willingness.

43:49.673 --> 43:52.416
[SPEAKER_00]: You need the willingness or you have nowhere to go.

43:53.662 --> 44:06.154
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so then what do you do if both sides of the question I think apply here, what do you do if either a, you're the unwilling party or b, your partner is the unwilling party.

44:06.654 --> 44:08.696
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, hey, I want to make this work.

44:08.836 --> 44:09.977
[SPEAKER_01]: They're called shouldering.

44:10.037 --> 44:11.439
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not showing up.

44:11.539 --> 44:12.820
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not following through.

44:12.880 --> 44:14.582
[SPEAKER_01]: Things just are not working.

44:14.602 --> 44:17.604
[SPEAKER_01]: You're trying to repair, but it's just not going that way.

44:17.644 --> 44:23.550
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you know when it's like, okay, double down?

44:24.526 --> 44:30.638
[SPEAKER_00]: I think this question is a little bit nuanced, because I think the timing of your relationship is important, how long have you been together, right?

44:31.018 --> 44:34.545
[SPEAKER_00]: Has there been points where they tried and then you didn't?

44:34.906 --> 44:35.868
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, what happened?

44:35.928 --> 44:39.695
[SPEAKER_00]: What, where did this rupture and this disconnection start, right?

44:39.775 --> 44:47.530
[SPEAKER_00]: So take some inventory there before you just throw the baby out with a bath water, because I definitely don't believe in that, especially if,

44:47.510 --> 44:53.017
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, that running tape in the back of your mind is, oh my gosh, this is a really good person.

44:53.297 --> 44:54.739
[SPEAKER_00]: We're just disconnected right now.

44:55.079 --> 44:56.381
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they're going through some things.

44:56.681 --> 44:59.264
[SPEAKER_00]: But you gotta be honest with yourself.

44:59.384 --> 45:02.888
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't not say that lightly people like, oh my god, obviously you have to be honest with yourself.

45:03.049 --> 45:04.030
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's not obvious.

45:04.490 --> 45:05.732
[SPEAKER_00]: You can sit with yourself.

45:05.792 --> 45:08.455
[SPEAKER_00]: Sit quietly whether you're in the shower, you're in the car.

45:08.435 --> 45:09.877
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you respect this person?

45:09.937 --> 45:10.958
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you like this person?

45:11.058 --> 45:11.779
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you friends?

45:11.819 --> 45:13.080
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you believe that they love you?

45:13.100 --> 45:14.162
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they respect you back?

45:14.482 --> 45:19.047
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes when these disconnections are like this, the willingness is gone.

45:19.087 --> 45:26.756
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you've tried over and over again, and you ask yourself that gut feeling, is this person willing to continue investing in this?

45:27.036 --> 45:30.240
[SPEAKER_00]: And if the answer was no, and you've tried,

45:30.220 --> 45:33.924
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you need to have a different conversation with yourself and your partner.

45:34.205 --> 45:38.109
[SPEAKER_00]: Because if somebody doesn't want to, it might just be time let it go.

45:38.149 --> 45:40.472
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you go to therapy and you talk about it.

45:40.852 --> 45:49.702
[SPEAKER_00]: But if it's truly just broken and there's nothing you can do and it's getting worse and worse and worse after some time of trying, I think it's time to let it go.

45:49.722 --> 45:50.784
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do.

45:51.645 --> 45:51.925
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

45:52.310 --> 45:52.891
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I agree.

45:52.911 --> 45:59.038
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think sometimes you get to this place of irreconcilable differences as well.

45:59.479 --> 46:00.059
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's a thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know that was a thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I experienced it a couple years ago.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, you know, sometimes that's the nature of the human experience.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, I think that if you can go into it always trying to

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[SPEAKER_01]: Have each others back.

46:16.599 --> 46:24.525
[SPEAKER_01]: I was having a conversation with someone recently and I said, you know, the most important thing for me in dating is it's you and me against the world.

46:24.986 --> 46:26.127
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how I see dating.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The world does not give a shit about you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I love you.

46:30.050 --> 46:31.271
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad you're listening to the show.

46:31.391 --> 46:37.136
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy you support us, but when you're out here in the real world, like it is you against everything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Now, of course, I want to support you and people want to support you.

46:44.723 --> 46:57.519
[SPEAKER_01]: And that other person saying, Hey, can we go take this thing on and you can be at war with each other or you can be at war with everything around you and that doesn't mean that's why the world's a bad place I don't I don't think the world's a bad place.

46:57.559 --> 47:09.955
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not what I'm saying I'm just saying like life is gonna life things are going to happen and as you're on this journey It's like do you want to be at war with this person who should have your back who was your friend who you enjoyed who

47:09.935 --> 47:21.540
[SPEAKER_01]: You love concerts and movies and going to dinner and having sex with and then all of a sudden one day because fucking social media told you that they should be this, now you're looking at them differently.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think a big thing that we haven't covered yet.

47:24.987 --> 47:45.628
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like checking yourself like that is not a conversation that is happening today like people are not checking themselves It's like you it's crazy how many times I see I don't know from familiar with Kevin Samuels He's he died, but he was he was he was wild like the conversations he would have with people

47:45.608 --> 47:51.075
[SPEAKER_01]: And and brutally honest like I don't I don't I don't know ever I solved something.

47:51.095 --> 48:11.920
[SPEAKER_01]: He said was like That's a little off-kilter, but he was just super super honest and Remember one time he was talking to this person and it was a guy and he said why And this is what I love he always got shit cuz he people always like all your attacking women But he was so harsh to the guys and he was talking to this guy and he's like

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[SPEAKER_01]: Dude, you're 30 years old.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You make $20,000 a year and your 100 pounds overweight.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Why wouldn't any woman ever want to be with you?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And your no relationship talking about you're not happy?

48:24.134 --> 48:45.417
[SPEAKER_01]: right and I and I think about that a lot because it's like where is the place where we are checking ourselves you are seeing across from this amazing person that at one point you loved you cared about you know when you're happy oh my god you'll do anything you'll take your jacket off and lay it on the puddles so she can step in it like at 1940s Hollywood movie you'll fight the guy who looks at her weird

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[SPEAKER_01]: You'll do all of the things, right?

48:47.282 --> 48:48.746
[SPEAKER_01]: You bring your flowers and roses.

48:48.766 --> 48:49.528
[SPEAKER_01]: You make that food.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know how to make even though you're really bad at it.

48:51.774 --> 48:52.697
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you show up.

48:52.757 --> 48:54.602
[SPEAKER_01]: You play and you fall through.

48:54.642 --> 49:00.418
[SPEAKER_01]: Women do the things that they do and the nurturing and the love and the kindness and then one day you're like,

49:00.398 --> 49:09.374
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but I saw on TikTok, she got 400 roses, and you only gave me 10, and I'm like, it's fucking TikTok.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so, where does the check-to-yourself exist in all this?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Cause I think sometimes we just, we just fucking forget.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we absolutely forget.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We've lost the plot on reality of relationships.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think everybody has these out of the world expectations.

49:27.909 --> 49:29.752
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm very familiar with Kevin Samuos.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I definitely had an adverse reaction to him at first.

49:33.216 --> 49:35.940
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I saw a couple clips where I was like,

49:36.258 --> 49:38.141
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I understand what he's saying.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't love the delivery, but I get it.

49:40.464 --> 49:40.925
[SPEAKER_00]: But I get it.

49:41.105 --> 49:51.980
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, I had to have a checking with myself at some point in terms of what I want to date myself, back in the day, I was like, I was not a suitable partner.

49:52.021 --> 49:59.331
[SPEAKER_00]: And here I am, wanting all these things from these men, I need you, I need you to do that, and I was like, well, what am I?

49:59.872 --> 50:02.576
[SPEAKER_00]: What do, you know, like this is a relationship, there's two people.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, there's a lot of controversy around,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I bring to the table, but it's like for me, I reconciled this thought because listen social media got me to my go, I'm not gonna lie to you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was out there going, yeah, that's right.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Where am I 400 roses?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I was like, okay, like with my PJ.

50:18.711 --> 50:22.380
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to sit down for a second, you know, and.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I think that experience really has to be your own journey, because social media really does mess people up, and unfortunately for most of us as we get a little bit older, we start to be like, oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, my bad, you know what I mean?

50:38.674 --> 50:43.744
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's unfortunately the journey that happens with, but

50:43.724 --> 50:45.729
[SPEAKER_00]: I do think we all need to check ourselves.

50:45.789 --> 50:47.153
[SPEAKER_00]: We do need to get all social media.

50:47.173 --> 50:48.817
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why Esther Perrell said what she said.

50:48.957 --> 50:55.393
[SPEAKER_00]: Dating 50 years ago was a lot easier because it was an easy S. Not even that he's a nice guy, but it's like he did X, Y, and Z.

50:55.494 --> 50:56.797
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was fine.

50:57.158 --> 50:59.424
[SPEAKER_00]: And you didn't have to get online and go, wow.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like she got.

51:00.346 --> 51:05.072
[SPEAKER_00]: of Range Rover and I have infinity or whatever it is, you know what I mean?

51:05.092 --> 51:06.534
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there wasn't any of that.

51:06.754 --> 51:18.828
[SPEAKER_00]: We were able just to see people as human beings and really just enjoy that experience of being loved and being rich meant you had a family and you had a partner who cared about you.

51:18.869 --> 51:29.982
[SPEAKER_00]: It didn't mean you were flying to, you know, Abiza every other weekend and poppin' bottles and, you know, whatever doing BBLs, you know, whatever the thing is that, you know,

51:29.962 --> 51:34.092
[SPEAKER_00]: But, but now it's out of control.

51:34.112 --> 51:35.495
[SPEAKER_00]: It is out of control.

51:35.896 --> 51:43.374
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, to circle back to what you said a little bit earlier about like having people's back, like we need to have each others backs in these relationships.

51:43.634 --> 51:44.376
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes

51:44.558 --> 52:02.618
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to just let people go like sometimes that's having everybody's back is letting people go right because it's like I always tell my boyfriend like I love you outside of this relationship I want you to be happy I want you to be happy with me, but if that's not the case, I love you outside of this relationship and I think we are all.

52:02.598 --> 52:18.271
[SPEAKER_00]: In this very selfish culture, like I said earlier, we have over indexed with the hyper-independence, and if he don't get this, and if she don't do this, and we're all going on dates like this, Michael, arms folded like, and that nobody's checking themselves.

52:18.631 --> 52:23.762
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's walking around like they're making a million dollars a year, and they're not, so it's like,

52:24.434 --> 52:31.506
[SPEAKER_00]: I've never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but you know, to quote Kevin Samuels, you know, we do have to kind of like, like, what's going on here?

52:31.967 --> 52:40.442
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what are we all looking for this person when we're not really showing up to be available and does this type of person even want me?

52:41.043 --> 52:41.884
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, they probably don't.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So let's go look in the mirror and get real.

52:45.370 --> 52:47.995
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not to say, you know, you can't.

52:47.975 --> 52:49.797
[SPEAKER_00]: work on certain things with yourself.

52:49.858 --> 52:52.862
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't get better and go to the gym and do all these things.

52:53.182 --> 52:59.991
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you're coming as you are and you're looking like, you know, 30 years old, $20,000 a year, 100 pounds of away, it's like, buddy, be quiet.

53:00.311 --> 53:00.872
[SPEAKER_00]: No, thank you.

53:01.914 --> 53:02.434
[SPEAKER_00]: Not the time.

53:02.875 --> 53:03.496
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you're on.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.

53:04.117 --> 53:06.760
[SPEAKER_00]: Read the room, basically.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, totally, and look, I think life is a big reality check.

53:10.566 --> 53:15.754
[SPEAKER_01]: I think every single day as you're looking in the mirror and being like, am I the person that I want to be?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And is this going to attract the person that I want to be with?

53:20.441 --> 53:24.327
[SPEAKER_01]: And then once I have them, am I going to continue to show up?

53:24.307 --> 53:37.488
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that that's one of the hardest things because there's going to be days where you're 100% and there's zero and there are 100% and you're zero and then it's 8020 and then it's 5050 and then it's whatever that thing is.

53:38.008 --> 53:50.027
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's human nature and we have gotten so far away from that and it's and it's really really difficult if you're walking into this and you come from being abandoned

53:50.007 --> 54:00.416
[SPEAKER_01]: It's really hard to accept and understand that love is for you, but I hope that today's conversation has encouraged you to recognize that it's available, and it's there for you.

54:00.657 --> 54:12.788
[SPEAKER_01]: If you are intentional, if you show up, if you do the work, if you have the support, if you have the reality check, if you learn to frame the language, if you learn how to stay connected and not run, if you co-regulate all of these things like an is here for you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But you got to want it.

54:20.855 --> 54:25.362
[SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on all the socials at HeyBabeCanWeTalk.com.

54:26.644 --> 54:30.691
[SPEAKER_01]: Beautiful and guys, if you go to think on brokenpodcast.com, you look up Drays episode.

54:30.711 --> 54:33.195
[SPEAKER_01]: There'll be that end more in the show notes.

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[SPEAKER_01]: My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

54:38.827 --> 55:00.244
[SPEAKER_00]: To me being unbroken is still being available to show up to your relationships specifically and not blame this person for all the things that have gone on in your past, not weaponizing your pain in your relationship, still being open to the experience of love, not going end going, my ex did this, she said this, so I'm going to bring this to my relationship.

55:00.460 --> 55:12.985
[SPEAKER_00]: We all have history, we all have pain, but to me truly being unbroken is showing up and saying, I'm gonna give this person the opportunity to really love me because I really love myself because that's where it really all starts.

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[SPEAKER_01]: beautifully said, and I totally agree.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That said, thank you so much for being here.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Unbroken nation, my friends.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you guys so much for listening.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If today's episode brought you any value and it impacted your life for the better, especially your love life.

55:27.919 --> 55:38.062
[SPEAKER_01]: Share this episode with a friend, someone close to you, maybe your partner, maybe you guys listen to it together and until next time, take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and be unbroken.

55:38.683 --> 55:39.124
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll see you.