Oct. 26, 2022

Allana Pratt - Do THIS If You Don't Love Yourself | Mental Health Coach

In this episode, we have a guest speaker – Allana Pratt, a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship.
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/allana-pratt-do-this-if-you-dont-love-yourself-mental-health-coach/#show-notes


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In this episode, we have a guest speaker – Allana Pratt, a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship.

Today, Allana reveals your blindspots, integrates your wounds, and helps you regain trust. Become ‘The One’ and create the thriving intimate relationship you deserve.

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Transcript

Michael: Hey! What's up, Unbroken Nation! Hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world today. I'm very excited to be back with you with another episode with my guest, Allana Pratt, who is an intimacy expert. Allana, my friend, how are you? What is happening in your world today?

Allana: I am awesome. I like that you say Unbroken Nation. I wanted like, you know how it's like the Bachelor Nation, I'm telling my mine is the HeartMate Nation with the new heart. So, I love that you're saying that. It's great to see you again. Thanks for being here as well.

Michael: Oh yeah, it's my pleasure. I'm super excited that we get a connect again. And you know what I think is really fascinating is just kind of looking at the scope of the world and the access to information we have and how amazingly powerful it is when we can come together to create change in the world. And you know, obviously you and I, we had a really intense conversation and you know, I think that helps people. So, I was like, shit, let's go, I can't wait to have you on. So, for those who do not know you, tell us a little bit about you and how you got to where you are today.

Allana: Yeah, thank you. And thank you for saying my name right, it's Allana Banana, so you got it right. Allana Banana, Small town, Canadian. So, did not set out to be an intimacy expert whatsoever, I set out to get on Uncle Phil's 18-wheeler semi from my small little hometown in Canada down to LA to make it in Hollywood and I failed. But I did get a job dancing and modeling in Japan in my early twenties, and I rose to a lot of success there and that I married first husband, married, second husband, and I was like, wow, the only one in common is me, let's figure out what's really going on the inside. So, while in my career I've had the blessing of interviewing you Whoopi Goldberg, Alanis Morissette, my podcast, Intimate Conversations, although I've written six books and even though I've graduated cum laude from Columbia University, when I lived in New York City, like a lot of things, I'm honestly, really, really proud of where I became an intimacy expert Michael was really about my own life journey, as I mentioned those two divorces. I remember with my second divorce, I have a son, and at the time he was 13 and he came to our house, and this was after 12 years of the custody battle. I was in a quarter of a million dollars of legal debt, I'd lost the house, I'd lost the savings, but at least my son loved me, except that day he came to the house and he said, I'm gonna live with dad and don't call me. And there were no more tears left that day. I just crumpled. I remember it was a cold marble floor, and I just sat there and I thought, you know, I've lost everything, but now I've lost everyone that was important to me. And I told my staff, I go, okay, I need to have a nervous breakdown Friday through Sunday and Monday through Thursday I'll work. Okay? So, I’ll go find me a cabin in the middle of the nowhere, I need to figure this out. I need to heal my heart. And by slowing down and feeling the feels and really as I say, intimacy, right? Intimacy expert, developed an intimate relationship with myself. I realized that if I wanted appreciation on the outside. I better forgive and start appreciating myself on the inside. And if I wanted this unconditional love on the outside, but I didn't love myself unconditionally on the inside, it was never gonna happen. And so over time, I would sit on this deck in the middle of nowhere and I would write down all my fears Michael, you know, I'm a fraud in the relationship realm. No one will ever wanna work with me. Maybe I'll even die alone like I wrote 'em all down. And then slowly but surely, I started to write even though I make love die alone. I love and accept myself, and this became the first of many of my 10 Atlanta Prep method processes that I've developed to go beneath the chin. We all can read books, and as amazing as our podcasts are, they still don't really, in my opinion, get under the hood to the deep level of trauma that is unconscious, that 95% of these wounds are stored in.

 

A lot of us are bright but we repeat the same patterns over and over. So, I've studied and I've been trained, and now I have my Atlanta Prat method processes that really go to the root of it all to change things for me, for my clients and for my community. So, I'm honored and privileged to be able to say I'm outta debt. My son and I are reconnected. I have plenty of male attention. I do not have a husband at the time, but I have plenty of male attention. And the main thing is I'm really learning how to live with my heart open unapologetically in the face of rejection or even the risk of rejection some of us won't show up. And so when we can be free within ourselves, home and whole within ourselves, have that intimate relationship with ourselves, it's not just with ourselves, something happens we're aligned with the divine. We have intimacy with the divine. We have intimacy with our body, our sexuality. We can hear Uhhuh, Uhuh, we can hear our intuition. We don't just think we know. And these amazing skills have allowed me to be grateful for my journey, not bitter about my journey and to be able to show up on your show today. So, thank you.

Michael: Yeah. You know, the first thing that came to mind is this really interesting reflection about this idea that sometime there's like this lead up to losing everything and everyone, and unfortunately oftentimes we don't pay attention till it's like right here in our face, and then it's like a baseball bat and you're like, Oh shit. Hold on, wait a second. Time out. One of the things I'm curious about is, you know, being in this situation where you're trying to figure out, ‘cuz I would have to imagine, I'm gonna put words in your mouth and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I would have to imagine like there's some, even if it's just subtle awareness around this, right? You're like, okay, wait, something's off, something doesn't feel right. What was it really that helped you actually be like, Whoa, okay, hold on, this is actually really happening. I need to take a step back and look at my life.

Allana: Yeah. So, for me, when I said I've lost everyone in everything, I needed to get out of the rat race, like I was so good at being three steps ahead of everyone just to be safe, anything to be safe, look good, get it right, be safe that I needed to take myself out of that environment. When I went to that, you know, cabin in the middle of nowhere and I went, wow, you know, the real one that I've lost is me. And then I call it this little you work, it's not just enough to do a little inner child work and go inside your heart and say, Okay, little wounded one, let's get outta here. Let's be happy. Let's be whatever that doesn't work that is literally judging that part of you saying, you know, you shouldn't be scared that's wrong. You shouldn't be sad that's wrong. You shouldn't be shame that's wrong. No, there's nothing wrong with any part of us, at all. And when I started to go inside Michael and say to that little Allana, you know what, if you're ashamed forever and you never change, ever, I love and accept you, like literally imagining in my mind's eye, going inside the dark doors of my heart, throwing out the key, and being willing to love myself without condition unconditionally forever even if that part never changed, that means I unconditionally love that part and I hadn't before. I always had an agenda. We always needed to change in order to get something in order, in order, in order. And when I finally surrender, there was a homecoming that I'd never experienced before, a sense of grace, a sense of direct experience where the floor fell out, there was no gravity, and I was like, holy shitters, I'm one with all. And then I had the insight and it's always been this way, and I'm the only one that's leaving this sense of self and I'm in charge then maybe not of controlling anyone or anything on the outside, right? But I am in charge of this relationship of intimacy with myself, I can influence that, and that was the big moment.

Michael: Do you think that, you said a word that I really clung onto there for a second, this word's safe and I think that many of, I know that many of us put up walls, we become overachiever, we do anything that it takes to try to be safe, quote unquote, if you're not watching on YouTube. And the reason why we do that is because we think that that is the mechanism for in which we will fill whole. And then you come slowly to discover if you are lucky enough, even though it may be through unfortunate circumstances, you come to discover like that's not what wholeness is. Do you think that this idea of being safe was kind of, I think about gaps, right? So, here's where you are, this is your life and your experience over here is ultimately where you land but there's that gap. And was that gap for you about safety was that about self-love? Was that about learning how to love yourself? Like what was the difference between, Okay, here I am right now, everything feels a little bit rough and disheveled to, I recognize that I can be at one love myself, be at peace and find safety within myself like how did you bridge that gap?

Allana: Yeah, brilliant question because I was mis wired as I'm sure a lot of people are, where safety was outside in, worth was outside in, approval was outside in and I was gonna do any song and dance I needed to get something from you to feel okay on the inside. And then once I got it, I gotta keep it, so manipulation, people pleaser, say yes when I mean no, like whatever it would take because my source of worth and safety were on the outside. So, when I began to wire myself properly from the inside out, I started to learn to have my own back on the inside. So, my safety came from the inside. I began to approve of myself whether I was a frigging hot mess or I landed a great new client, or a great new podcast or whatever it was, I un collapsed worth an accomplishment, they were collapsed in the beginning, like I was good enough if, if something happened on the outside. But when I un collapsed those, I am than I am, that's the end of the sentence and the size of my ass, the size of my bank account, whether I have a man or not all those things, they come and go. And I still strive and I still have a lot of drive, but I don't define my good enough from those anymore. Nor do I define my safety from that approval anymore. But Michael, it's taken so much inner work to get all the way back cuz I'm super bright come LA graduate Ivy League super bright that didn't do. It was only when I was willing to get into my feelings, my body sensations, surrender my mind and go all the way back to that trauma and literally recapitulate what happened through a surrendered state of allowing myself to witness myself so scared, so traumatized. My dad and I are great now, but he was drunk and stoned growing up I was terrified. And so, by recapitulating thinking it through with my mind, literally watching my body go through those experiences and witness little Allana and go all the way through to how hopeless and terrified she was and how angry, how dare you're supposed to be my protector, why are you, my abuser? All the way through to that hyper vigilance and anxiety that was always there since I can remember. All the way back to zero by witnessing myself, honoring myself, not fixing or changing myself, having compassion with myself and not blaming myself anymore, for everything that was happening on the outside had compassion for them, compassion for me, forgiveness for all, homecoming and oneness and not a happy, I'm so meta physically like focused on the love and the light all the time, nothing's wrong with love and light, but it's not the whole picture. I don't wanna do sprinkles on top of the ice cream cone of shit. I want to come home all the way to true, peace beyond words that have nothing to do with circumstances home within myself and it's taken a lot of bravery and I'm very proud of myself and the relationship that I have with my dad right now. And the nourishment, the fulfillment comes that I can now give it to clients, all the work that I've done in a far less amount of time than it, than it took.

Michael: Yeah, I love that. And that's so much of my experience as well. It's like, you know, when I'm coaching people we get a circumvent all this shit that like you gotta save so much time, effort, energy, and money, it's not even funny that'd be a great t-shirt, by the way. Anyway, like I think about, you know, you said something like, I'm just like, yes, like this, there was something fascinating to me about the world of spirituality right now, the world of wholeness and oneness, this whole other aspect that we're starting to have an awareness where people are like, I think they're disillusioned by the reality that it's not always fucking sunshine and rainbows. And you made a great point, it's like, why would you put sprinkles on an ice cream cone of shit? Which is a hilarious analogy. And I think about that all the time it's like, that's not true. You're going to have good days, you're going to have bad days, and you're gonna have in between days. But that too shall pass, those things do not always have to be there ‘cause you know what I wonder through your experience to graduate Cum Laude from a Ivy League school, you must have felt on top of the world, and then I would assume within a few days you're kind of like, Oh, that's now past, we are in this other phase of life. I think about life being very linear. Here's your start. Here's your finish, and that is this human life we're in right now. If you believe other things, like whatever, I don't know, that's not for me to decide, but I do know from start to finish, it is linear, but the journey is all these ups, all of these downs, these crevices, these peaks, these value values and everything in between. So, how do you navigate the emotional relationship with yourself and now having been in this place of understanding wholeness and oneness and self-love when like some days it's a fucking shit ice cream and some days it's chocolate cake.

Allana: Yeah. Well said. One of the things that has set me free, Michael, is the understanding that there is detriments to too much pleasure and there's benefits to me. I used to always be clamoring for more of the rainbows and bunny rabbits, and I was pushing away anything that smelled like shame or fear or mad or sad, but now I'm more, I guess we could call it balanced equilibrates. I see the beauty and the blessing of it all, and so it allows me to stay more in alignment. So, something like heartbreak with a lot of us go through, it's like something bad, something wrong, something to get over so I can be happy again. Well, that actually perpetuates the problem. And it allows people to manipulate you, and it doesn't allow us to cultivate the capacity to navigate challenges and see the benefit in the conflict in the relationship.

Michael: Let me pause real quick. What is it that perpetuates the problem?

Allana: Resisting pain, and clamoring for pain, that perpetuates the rollercoaster, that perpetuates the addictions, that perpetuates the fakey fake. That perpetuates, oh my God, anything that smells of challenge obstacle or is bad and wrong. I need to break up with you and find somebody else quick, you know, swipe right and I'll get somebody else. Right? So, but what if heartbreak wasn't wrong? What if pain wasn't bad? What if we aren't bad either when we're ashamed? What if it's something to lean into and evolve and learn and grow from so you don't leave your partner as soon as things get a little wobbly, you learn how to get more grounded, open your heart, get curious, stay present, have your own back cuz you've done your little, you work, you've learned how to stay coherent and with your heart open. So, the best of your brain and your intuition stays on and you literally see this as an invitation to grow closer to yourself, to your partner, and grow the relationship.

So, it's not like it's all about me. And if you don't agree with me, I'm outta here. And it's not even about the typical, we like you complete me, right? Not like that, but no. What if two not perfect, but whole people could come together and it's not one and one is two, it's one and one is infinity. Because I'm gonna awaken the best in you, a dormant quality, and you're gonna awaken the best in me, something aside of me that's can be one and one is infinity, because we're not gonna judge either is wrong, we're not gonna judge fear is wrong. We're not gonna judge is shame is wrong. We're not gonna clamor and say, you know, I need to be happy every single day and I need to have 10 orgasms every time we ever have sex. Like, come on, if it's all rich, the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it then you can resist nothing, allow all, and that's a beautiful definition of enlightenment right there.

Michael: Yeah, and I think about this idea literally every single day that we are having a human experience. None of us know what the fuck we're doing. I've never once woke up and been like, I know how to do everything all the time that it is, that will make my life, it doesn't work that way. And I think often we live as much as it pains me to say it, we live in a throwaway culture right now, especially when it comes to dating, like I don't fuck with dating apps, so I did once upon a time and no more because I'm like, this is toxic, this is poisonous to judge someone at face value as opposed to at heart value doesn't make any sense because guess what? There are a lot of beautiful people who are not that healed inside, and there's a lot of healed people who are not that beautiful on the outside, and it's all subjective, and it's all objective and nobody knows what the fuck we're doing. And sort of sit here and be like, Oh, I don't like this person because of a profile online that you couldn't possibly consume with a reasonable knowledge of the other human being. Does it make sense to me. And yet, here we are looking at the world through this scope of everybody expects perfection all the time, and it's just not true.

And so, for people who are, and let's not even just keep it in dating, but people who are in relationships or they're married or they are dating or even interpersonal relationships, how do you navigate that space of giving people the space to fuck up?

Allana: Yeah, well if you can't give yourself that space, there's no hope in hell. You can never give it to another. So, I remember back when the pandemic hit, I'd been doing this work for 20 years and people would fall in love in my programs because they showed up to become the one to find the one, which in the end gives you the capacity, the skills to keep the one. And they said, okay, Lana, it's gonna get worse and I literally, I don't know about you, Michael, sometimes I have a good idea in my mind, but there's other times I'm literally pulled by spirit to do something and I'm like, normally it's bat shit crazy. But I heard hit you need to start your own app because in my opinion, dating apps are designed to keep people single because they make money when you fail at love. Think of the business plan. And so, I said to my mentors, okay, I'm gonna create the world's first partnering app, where we're gonna lead with becoming the one intimacy training, we have lived weekly conscious connection calls, we show up to speak authentically and listen profoundly. And then we'll also in this trinity. So, the live calls where we practice that, the digital intimacy curriculum, because we need to heal the past, we need to learn how to stay connected to little you, we need to rewire ourself from the inside out, not the outside and we have a lot of work to do to become the one. And then we'll also have everybody who's dating on this app, there are gonna be people that do the work, who see the work as this lifelong journey, the journey is the destination, it's not, find the one and then I'm good enough. Like, no, we don't wanna attract those kinds of people. And so, people meet as friends, as allies, vulnerable, they grow together, they evolve together, they become the one together. And then lo and behold, of course, your vibration rises, you're being authentic ‘cuz you're not attached to the result. And so, you meet a very aligned partner but let me tell you, as soon as you get into that relationship, they're gonna trigger another whole cycle of wounds. And we don't wanna throw them away like a commodity. Again, we're training the skills so that you can keep the one and thrive with the one over time, some, it's called HeartMates, as I said before, because I really believe is you brilliant. You said, we wanna get to know somebody from the heart, not from the outside in, but from the inside out. I'm really proud, although the dating portion is in beta, we have a huge community that meets every Thursday or Friday for these conscious connection calls. And one of the most surprising things, like I know this kind of communications work, one of the rules is you're asked a question, you're broken out into little groups, you're asked a question, you answer, and the other person only says thank you. So, you know, you're not gonna get interrupted justified excuses, you know, they're not gonna go, yeah, well boy and me, I did they're gonna just get you for you. And one of the deepest human needs is to be seen and understood for exactly who we are. And one of our best skills to learn is to shut the fuck up and family without being three steps ahead, trying to look good, be right, just get each other. And so, I thought that this skill, which it does really improve relationships, it improves people with whether they're in relationship or dating. But here's what I didn't know, and I've studied this, but I needed the proof when I talked to all my members and I go, so how can I improve this for you? They said, Allana, we want you to know that I'm learning more self, through these questions because I never get a chance to be fully heard. Communication is a two-way street, so we speak, but unless someone hears us, receives us without interruption or judgment, the communication is not complete. It stays spinning in your head. How many times have you been infuriated when someone's not listening? All that content stays in your head. But when you're heard, the content is complete so, the new truth can arise out of nothing, out of your heart, out of your gut, out of your soul. So, people are sharing with me, Allana, I'm getting to know more about who I am in these, do we call them diets in these communication calls, and that's allowing me to have clearer values and be able to see red flags better and to know who I am and what I deserve.

So, anyways, long story short, you're totally right. I'm really excited about this partnering app that I'm developing because I think it's gonna change the tide of people that are on the conscious path, that are frustrated with dating apps. Where do I find someone who's willing to sit in the fire, keep their heart open and stay present with me ‘cuz I'm interested in a long-term thriving relationship that grows deeper over time.

Michael: And I think what's really interesting about that too is you said become the one to find the one. And if you get, I go look and measure my mentors, the people who have spoken most highly into my life, who I work with and am coached by, and they always say the same thing. If you want to find an amazing partner, be someone who is worthy of an amazing partner and it's like, and that's so true. But one of the things, and I think obviously it would be a miss not to talk about, is understanding the impact of trauma on that because realistically, and I don't know if this might have held true for you, but for myself, I realized like one of the things that became a border, or what I would call a wall would be probably a better way to phrase it, between where I was and where I wanted to go, is like recognizing that my trauma made me be hyper independent and the only way that you move through that is by sitting and doing the work and by recognizing like, fuck, maybe it's okay if people are safe and kind and the world's not as bad as you think it is, and guess what? You're not either. So, it's fucking fine. And so maybe if you let go for 38 seconds, you might find something out about the world that changes your opinion. And for me, that required like massive work like, I mean, quarter of a million dollars, 10,000 hours, I did the thing, right? And I fear that what I would love for people to avoid is having to find out the hard way, what it takes to do that. Part of me thinks like you have to like, you have to get to that place where it's like, Shit, I did it again. Okay, fucking pause. Time out. Let me reframe. Let me go through and do what I need to do. But if there were a way to circumvent what I will call that level of investment, what would it be? What would it look like? And if that is even possible, what is something someone would like in real time, knowing that they have a traumatic experience, but they wanna connect more intimately with people.

Allana: Thank you. So, I've studied for 20 years, I've put 'em all together into 10 Atlanta Prep Pro method processes, they include everything beneath the chin that we need. I can't see my own blind spot. I can't hold space for myself and be the banks of the river and the river at the same time. But these processes deal Quantum psychology, spiritual technology, somatic embodiment, everything that we wish we could just have the take the pill, right? Just figure it out in our mind it doesn't work that way. So, you need to find processes from me or other people that will help you get into the subconscious and unconscious realms and just 10 more affirmations no offense is not going to change this. We can't do more sprinkles on top of the ice cream cone of shit as we've already displayed. But something Michael that I think I really want the listeners to be, I wanna be vulnerable with you and the listeners as well so I've been at this for 20 years, you know, I'm in my fifties and I've saved a lot of marriages. I've created a lot of people meeting each other and falling in love and my processes work and I'm very, very proud of that and not, but, and my last relationship for the first time was physically abusive and there's still criminal court coming up by the time we air this interview. And the shame, Michael, that, who am I? I'm this, you know, inspiration and I help people create all these results and I still fucked up again. And this time for the first time ever, physical abuse as well, the verbal was quite regular that that one was true, but I'm like, what have I done? And so, I'm a continual student. In fact, the more I know, the more I discover, I dunno and so, I kept learning and kept learning. And what I discovered was if I could see it level three trauma, two trauma, one trauma, I could get people back to zero, even including myself, self-processing. But what I couldn't see is my own blind spot. I'm able to see others but not my own. And what I found was level four trauma is numb. No emotion. Cold dead. I couldn't see it, couldn't smell it, so I couldn't go all the way to the core. And what I discovered in level four trauma is your stuck, level three trauma you can see the past, the present, the future you can think of a way out, you've got choice and perspective. Level four, you've given up the cheetah is eating the gazelle, you're dying. You give up and you stay hypervigilant ‘cuz it's the only world you know. I'm going to get better at mastering my abuser. I'm gonna master surviving my abuser. It's the only lane you're in. And so, the the chin up cum laude graduate. I got my thing together, I'm gonna choose a great partner. But 95% of me was still in this trauma loop, looking for the next abuser to get better at surviving. And as I had a facilitator take me through from not level three to 1, 0 4, to three, to two, to one to zero, I said, oh my God, cuz I watched my body do it, it wasn't my brain and I have a very smart brain. I watched my body recapitulate trauma and abuse that was just devastating to witness. But she helped me get all the way through back and it allowed me to forgive myself of why I attracted that physical abuse and verbal abuse again. It's allowed me to stop the pattern of doing it again. It's given me an even deeper level of self-compassion and self-love and home, and now my capacity, cuz now it's not a blind spot anymore. I can see when they go none, when they can't feel their emotions, what's really going on? Now I can help them get back. So, I even after 20 years, I'm even getting better at what I can facilitate because I will still never give up until I'm home on the inside and I can help as many people on the outside get home as well.

Michael: That's beautiful and I appreciate your vulnerability and you know, I think about this all the time, it's like a decade into this for myself and coach, thousands of people and almost a million people listening to this show and it's kind of like, yeah, but I still fuck up too. You know what I mean? I still have a coach and I still have mentors. I still have therapists because I'm like forest for the trees and people, I know somebody right now has turned off this episode cuz they're like, Oh, how can she help people? She can't help yourself. And I'm like, you know, but the reality of life is, again, coming back to the human experience, we're figuring out all this shit in real time. And if we come from traumatic backgrounds one of the things that were denied is access to that information at a younger age in a safer capacity. And so, we figure it out now and there's so much more on the line. You're like, Fuck, I got kids, I got career, I got this, I got that. And you're like, even still, we're always trying to figure out who we are. What have you discovered, and especially in let's call it the last couple of years, that has become foundational for what you think the journey of the future is going to be for you?

Allana: For me personally, I'm really proud of myself that I've never given up. I'm really proud of myself for the bravery it takes to be vulnerable. I'm really proud that I'm one of these leaders out there that doesn't pretend I'm like, perfect, and I believe that's the future of where we're going in personal growth, is we're gonna trust the transparent ones. We're gonna question the ones that are all perfect and always looking to the love and the light, cuz it's not real, it's not scientifically factual. And so, I'm personally looking forward, well, I already create great results cuz I can see others, blind spots, can't see my own. And I'm really grateful to be able to pass these lessons on at a deeper level for people, and even though I'm super smart, it was the body that took me home, not the mind. It was the emotions and feeling that took me home, not the spiritual bypassing and the better attitude. And so, I don't think I mentioned this, but I was a dancer since I was like five years old. And so, I knew at a young age what the path home and it's now, it's been, you know, 50 years later and it's still the path home. It's not mind, spirit, it's body, mind, spirit. And if we can honor all equally, that to me is the path of home and I'm very, very proud to no longer be ashamed of my journey. And that way I can be that beacon for others to be real with me and to share the unspeakable because they will not be judged and that if we shame the shame, it's gonna take us even longer. But if we can be in a safe place and then a safe community, the beautiful community I have of clients where we all show up and we grow exponentially, not just the scientific lifting of vibration together, but a real community that has your back. Bunch of black sheep we're all of the black sheep together hanging out.

Michael: Yeah, totally. I love that. And community is everything, but more importantly, the right community is everything and a community through authenticity. What one of my friends Gary Brecka, who had argued was the smartest person I've ever met in my entire life. He told me something that changed the way I think about everything. He goes, “authenticity is the highest vibrating frequency known to man” and that's the same reason why when we're in connection with people like you feel it, right? Like how many times have you been like, a week later, six weeks later a month, you're like, ah, why didn't I trust my gut? Right? You're like, ah, I knew it. But you never in one time in your life have ever fucking said, why didn't I trust my brain? Because it does start with our body. It starts here first, and like paying attention to that and not denying it, right? And so, as we move forward and as we look at it, as we build our lives, as we build this thing where we can become the one to find the one. What does it look like? Paint me a picture. What is intimacy? Because so many people, and this is because we live in this pornified society, people go, Oh, intimacy is sex and fucking. And I'm like, no, it's not. But what does it look like? Paint is a picture, top to bottom. Explain intimacy.

Allana: To me, there's very many definitions and I think fucking is one of them. My definition is a way of being where we honest, as you said, authentic, transparent, vulnerable, raw, heart open, at walls, down with ourself. It's not possible to give that gift to another if you haven't first given it to yourself. And so, it's the ability that when you're sad you be with yourself. When you're ashamed, you be with yourself. When you're really orgasmically alive, you be with yourself. like the whole kitten kaboodle, the wobbly parts and the triumph and parts you're just gonna be deeply connected moment to moment with yourself without the need to fix or change and just connect. When we can be that we can simultaneously, it's almost like this that happens when you finally come home to all yourself and you resist nothing and you allow all it's a oneness moment with the universe, cuz in my opinion, the universe doesn't have opinions. If it says I suck, it says, oh, and so it is, it's a figure eight loop. It's gonna give you back what you put out. It probably would love if it could support you in believing you're better than you think you are but it's a free will universe. So, if you put out, I suck and so it is, or I'm worthy and so, it is. So, you have this oneness with the universe that occurs as a direct reflection of your internal relationship and the experiences. Wow, the accomplishment, the outside world hasn't changed much, there's still little debt over there. My ass is still that size or you know, whatever it is. And you wake up and you're like, but I'm enough, I’m enough as I am, yes, I still choose to go to the gym. Yes, I still choose to learn how to be a better manager of my money, but not in order to be good enough, I'm already enough. It's an inspiration from love, not a motivation from fear, and that is a different paradigm.

So, life starts to become joyful just because you're alive, there's a peace in your skin. And then you start to get a little sassy, a little sexy, then you're like, okay, universe, what you got for me today? Because you're no longer terrified of what you can't control because you've got your back. You start to be able to be a little more sexy and sassy and joyful, and risk. But you simultaneously have this sense of, because your heart is open, cuz you're intimate with yourself. You can hear your intuition, you can hear uhhuh, uhuh, the gut, as you mentioned a moment before. So, you start making better decision. And you also stay in the best part of your brain, which is more creative and abstract thinking, as opposed to kill them before they kill me, fight, flight, freeze, right? So, you start to make better decisions and life starts to be more joyful and you have more success, not that you need it anymore to be good enough, but just ‘cuz it's fucking fun to be successful and generous and make an impact on the planet. And then that's a vibration too so you're gonna start to attract a community that's like-minded and you're gonna start to run into people, whether it's on heartmate, partnering up or at the freaking grocery store. Who are your people? You don't have to try. I would say you need to intend, right? Put it out there but not be attached, ‘cuz that's gonna push it away faster than anything. And then all of a sudden, by this willingness to have an intimate relationship with yourself, you and your body lost that extra 10, you didn't try, but you weren't at war with your body. You listened, hey, let's have a salad rather than another. So, everything, physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, vocational, financial, social, parental, romantic, sexual, all of a sudden, every part of your life. Because how you do anything is how you do everything starts to up level. Yes, you need to show up every day, but not with attachment. And then, you know, within a reasonable amount of time, life is looking pretty good. And while I don't hope anybody dies tonight, if you did, you could look back and you don't have the regrets, you know, you lived a full life, you made a difference being you.

Michael: Yeah. And that's the only way you can do it. And I think about this all the time, I rewind my life, I look at it 12 years ago and everything prior, and sure I was young or, but I think to myself like without the willingness to step into the fear and discomfort of becoming the person that I am today, while simultaneously knowing that I am not yet the person that I will be, I've been able to transform and change my life in the lives of thousands of people around the world. And not everyone is going to change everyone's life, but like, what's really fascinating, the more that you are in yourself and paying attention, the more that you understand that people are watching you, that you effectively are a leader all the time, to your kids, to your community, to your employees, to your coworkers, to your family, to your church, everyone is watching all the time. Now, not everyone who is watching is going to absorb that, but some people are, and I think one of the really scary aspects of like having to reconcile who you were versus who you can be and who you will be is letting go of the expectation that you weren't enough previously because you actually were, you just didn't give yourself the fucking space to sit in it. And one of my biggest hopes for people is that they recognize that like when you change your relationship with time and death, it'll change the way that you show up in the world. Because guess what? It's inevitable, ain't nobody getting out of this shit alive. Hate to break it to you. And the deepest fear that I have is dying with regret and for me, that's about leading a life that is not mine. But a lot of, so many people, Allana, excuse me, so many people have a massive fear about this idea of being themselves. They've only ever felt shame and judgment and ridicule and ostracized, and everyone else telling them who they should be or who they can't be and this is embedded in them and now it has become who they are. Well, how do you get out of that. Cause like they're listening, they're like, I want intimacy. I want love. I wanna vibrate in all these frequencies and be a great parent and lover and have great finances, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I'm terrified. What do they do?

Allana: You sit with yourself in the fear, that's what you do. You feel your feelings and you don't leave your side. One thing you said a moment ago before I forget, to truly make a difference on this planet, all you need to do is be present to another. That's it. That is the biggest gift I think we could ever give anyone, but we can't give that to another if we don't give it to ourselves. So, we be present with the part of ourselves that's scared shitless, and then we begin to acknowledge, well, maybe first apologize. I'm so sorry that I haven't sat here in the fire with you and I've made you wrong and I've avoided you and I've gone on Facebook important. I've done all these other things and I'm sorry, because you were already scared and then I avoided you on top of it. Please forgive me. I really thought I was helping. I really did. I'm not like evil, but I didn't know that all you needed was for me to be with you and give you a hug and let you know that you have every right to feel the way you're feeling and I'm gonna let go of my strategies. I'm gonna throw out the key. I'm gonna lock the door. I'm gonna sit with you forever and eternity if that's how long it takes, I will not ever leave you again. And I might not be perfect in how I listen. I might not be perfect in anything, but I got your back now we're one now, we're a team now, I'm your ally now. If you mean it and it's not a strategy to get them out, if you really mean it and you really fucking throw that key away, a moment of grace will happen because that part of you has been waiting for you, not the money, not the guy, not the gal, not the whatever. It's wait for you to come back to you and reparent you and acknowledge they have every right to feel that way, that being heard on the inside creates communion, union, oneness. And for me anyways, there's a lot of little Alanis in there that I had to be with, and I still be with whoever shows up next and bring her home. And these moments of grace come faster and faster and stronger and stronger, and they build a momentum, like a snowball and the downs aren't down as long and the highs aren't egoic as much, right? That I'm in the center but if where you're starting is, I don't even know how to begin, then tonight you light a candle and you sit in the dark and you find that little you. And they might be in the corner with their arms crossed and don't want anything to do with you, it's okay, they have every right to be skeptical, maybe you've been an asshole for a couple decades, so acknowledge that. You know, you have every right to be skeptical, I'm gonna prove it to you. I mean this. There is no greater fundamental building block of yourself realization than your willingness to sit in the fire and love your sad self, mad self-ashamed, self-terrified self, whatever self as they are, even if they change forever that commitment, I promise you, is harder than you are ever gonna think, but is more rewarding and the fuel for everything you wanna, you wanna create ‘cuz that's love itself in as and through you, that's God, the universe itself in as and through you, that's how it works, the inside creates the outside, always have and always well.

Michael: Yeah, it does. And at first there's hesitation, there's resonance, there's a feeling. I love what you said, like, is this person serious? Is this fraudulent? Or what are you trying to get over on me? And I think that's natural. Like when I first stepped into this journey for myself, and I had one of the deepest and most profound, like intimate, like reparenting, child loving self-moments, it was like kicking down a fucking door. Right. But I was like, I'm getting in this motherfucker one way or another. And it just took a long time and it took a long time and, in that time, like I just learned so many things about grace and patience and acceptance and recognizing in the same way that you can sit in your happiness, which is so much easier I think we both can agree. You can sit and you're sad and you're hurt and you are all the other things that come along with that, if you're willing to let go of what I think is one important aspect of this. This idea of if/when something happens, I will be worthy if you can let go of that and recognize like in this moment it's never too late to love yourself right now.

Allana: Yeah. Really, really well said. And letting go of the in order twos inside out, not outside in absolutely. But there's something also really beautiful about what you said. If you're willing to sit with yourself, the patience of eternity will give you an instant result but the impatient will prolong your suffering forever. So I mean, maybe it's morbid, but what if you never meet the one? You never make the millions. You never get the best seller and the biggest thing you could ever accomplish is, Hi, I'm not gonna leave you again, and I'm not gonna judge you again. And I'm gonna honor you as you are, exactly as you are. And if you can do that on the outside, I promise you, you're gonna meet people, friends, clients and a beloved who will as well scientifically, it's impossible to have someone love all of you, warts and all, unless you do. It's not a vibrational match. It's not possible. So, I promise you, if you'd be willing to really look through the eyes of the divine at yourself, you wouldn't judge yourself. If you look through the eyes of God and the goddess at your hot mess self, you'd wipe yourself off and give yourself a noogie newbie and a snuggle. Come here, right? You'd really adore yourself and be proud of your bravery and your persistence like you're so amazing. What is it gonna take to look at ourselves through these eyes? ‘Cuz when we do and we let go of everything that the universe or society wants us to do to finally be good enough. There is nothing greater. There is nothing greater. And then when you walk out into the world like that, it's called that it factors. People are like, what is it about that person? And your kind and you're patient and you have firm healthy boundaries and like you're just your best self and it will attract your ideal life ‘cuz you are your authentic self.

 

Michael: Yeah, totally agree. And the most important thing always and forever, and this is simply one man's opinion, is the way that you feel about yourself when you look in that mirror. And if you can get to that place where you can love that reflection no matter what, and especially in understanding that we're all gonna get old and wrinkly, then you are gonna find an amazing sense of freedom, the ability to connect with people and to find this thing that we're talking about called intimacy. My friend, this has been an amazing conversation before I ask you my last question, can you please tell everyone where they can find you?

Allana: Yeah. My name allanapratt.com. There's lots of complimentary gifts there for everyone, so I won't go through all of them just know it's a plethora of resources for you and also my podcast, Intimate Conversations for a very intimate, beautiful, deep conversation with Michael as well.

Michael: Yes, and of course we'll put the links in the audience for the Unbroken Nation. My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Allana: It's the ability warts and all, to make love with life. Make love with the universe, and to show up and say, have your way with me life. This is me. I'm a little hot mess over here and I'm pretty amazing at this. Let's do this thing called life that is our birthright. It makes every day delicious.

Michael: Brilliantly said, my friend. Thank you so much for being here. Unbroken Nation. Thank you so much for listening.

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Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.

Allana Pratt Profile Photo

Allana Pratt

Intimacy Expert

Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically, and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC, FOX, TLC and more.

This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars.

While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Dating App & Intimacy Training called HeartMates.app where members ‘Become the One, to Find the One… which Keeps the One!’ She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus Intimacy Retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.