Dec. 10, 2022

Overcoming Self-Hate and Cultivating Self-Love with Stephanie Carinia

In today's episode, we are excited to have Stephanie Carinia, who holds a BSc, MSc. and a post-graduate degree in Clinical psychology from the University of Amsterdam, the equivalent of a PsyD., with us to talk about how to transform self-hate into self-love.
Self-hate is a common issue....
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/transform-self-hate-into-self-love-with-stephanie-carinia-at-unbroken-conference-trauma-healing-podcast/#show-notes


In today's episode, we are excited to have Stephanie Carinia, who holds a BSc, MSc. and a post-graduate degree in Clinical psychology from the University of Amsterdam, the equivalent of a PsyD., with us to talk about how to transform self-hate into self-love.

Self-hate is a common issue that many people struggle with, and it can hold us back from reaching our full potential and living a fulfilling life. But it's important to remember that it is possible to change the way we think about ourselves and cultivate self-love.

Stephanie will share her own journey of overcoming self-hate and will offer practical tips and strategies for others who are seeking to do the same. She will also discuss the role of therapy and self-care in this process and how we can start to shift our negative thought patterns.

If you're ready to start your journey towards self-love and healing, this is an episode you won't want to miss. So join us now as we welcome Stephanie Carinia to the show.

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Transcript

Michael: We are just a couple days away from Unbroken Conference. Stephanie, my friend, I'm very much looking forward to our conversation right now talking about Unbroken Conference and the talk that you're going to be giving. Our background, we have shared space and stages a couple times before leading up to now. And when I put together the roster where I was like, okay, who do I really wanna bring to Unbroken Con to help create massive transformation in people's lives, you were one of the first people that came to mind. And so I'm really curious as we head into Unbroken Conference just a couple days away, tell us what are you going to be talking about and what can people expect?

Stephanie: Yes. First of all, I'm really excited to be on this conference and I'm really excited to give this talk. It will be on inner maturing, so there is a lot of information out there on inner healing and which is the main part we all need to do, when we have experienced childhood trauma or childhood hidden trauma also the inner maturing comes, it's the maturing phase. How do we repair these arrested developments? How do we not act out on our wounds? How do we go from surviving/striving to thriving? That's what it will be about.

Michael: Yeah. And those things are all so incredibly important because I think we get trapped in that inner child behavior and I'll be the first one to be like, yep, I know that feeling cuz I've been there. You know, when you think about this, what do you think are some of the misconceptions people have about what it does mean to emotionally mature as they come into this healing journey?

Stephanie: So, I'm not sure if people are aware of the maturing part at all. I think many people think, I just need to heal my inner child, I need to be kind to myself and all these things, which is absolutely a great part of the self-love aspect developing sense of self. But the maturing aspect is also the part which you do hear now more often about is the personal responsibility part. What is the effect of my behavior on the other person? So, am I being disrespected or is that other person also perhaps responding to my way of dealing with them due to my childhood wound. So, am I still perhaps black and white thinking that is also an arrested development from my childhood. So, we need to be able to become curious instead of judgmental, if that makes.

Michael: Yeah, absolutely. For those who may not know, can you define Arrested Development?

Stephanie: Arrested Development. Great question. An example, so a child is born without any abilities. We don't even have a sense of self. We don't know who we are what we are, if we're good or if we get bad, we are not able to connect to our emotions to process them to make sense of them. So an Arrested Development would be if you would grow up with a parent who doesn't know how to regulate their own emotions or doesn't understand their own wounds, and then you don't learn how to regulate your emotions. There's many people out there who are, have no clue if what they're feeling now is that fear, is that anger, is that sadness and when we don't have access to our inner GPS, we will get stuck because it guides us towards the truth to be able to protect ourselves, to be able to know what is aligned with us, who we are, that is an example.

Michael: Yeah, I love that. And guys, if you have not registered for Unbroken Conference, now is the time. Go to unbrokencon.com. It's absolutely free to watch live no matter where you are in the world, and you can keep the recordings for life and have access to our VIP group with hundreds of trauma warriors who are on this healing journey together in community. You have the option to do that as well just go to unbrokencon.com to sign up. We're going live Tuesday, December 13th, 4:00 PM Mountain Time, all the details are on unbrokencon.com.

Stephanie, one of the things that you said that really, really hit home for me just now is thinking about this idea that so many people do not have the ability to control their emotions. How much of that, like when I think about that, like what does that mean in terms of like personal responsibility in the healing journey? Like what does controlling your emotions mean when you are in this place of healing?

 Stephanie: Yeah. So, controlling your emotions perhaps we should reframe it, it's not controlling your emotions, though sometimes we need to be able to also control our emotions. If I'm at the supermarket paying something, it's not the best time to start crying. Perhaps I should wait for that or not during a job interview, perhaps, let's wait afterwards. Anyway, so controlling our emotions, yes, but what we need to learn to do is to process them. So yes, because when we don't process them, we will act out on them. Processing our emotions is going and checking within ourselves and making sure that what we are feeling is then we also need to check if it's true. Is it correct what I'm sensing? Am I disrespected? Don't they care about me? Or is that just my childhood wound speaking and now I'm becoming, I'm ruining the friendship or the relationship instead of getting more close and connected and trying to understand each other, trying to understand where are we coming from?

Michael: Yeah, and what most people I think fail to understand is like that is one of the most important foundations that you can really leverage, learn and build around. I remember being in my late teens and early twenties, and I was emotionally all over the place, generally speaking, geared towards anger and rage. And the highs would be so high and the lows would be so low. And then I realized like through really a lot of what you are going to be teaching us as we go into Unbroken Conference is that there is so much about this that is just a mind game that you're playing with yourself. And one of the things that I think people don't do is give themselves the permission to learn. Right? And I think what happens is we come into it. And we go, I'm already predetermined, this is the outcome. Nobody can help me. So, this is just who I'm going to be. And I think saying things like, this is who I am is incredibly dangerous when you are not through this process of healing and reconciliation and growth. What do you think is one of the most important things for people as they come into Unbroken Conference? What do you think that they need to do to be able to really bring this information in and leverage it as they go through into their life after we wrap?

Stephanie: I think this is a great question, which I actually will also be addressing in the self-love aspect because it has four pillars and one is the ability of the feeling of autonomy, the feeling that we are able to be the author of our own lives, that we are autonomous, that what we're doing in our lives will have effect on us. So, what you're describing might be someone who has experienced a form of learn helplessness as a child, that whatever I do, it won't help, whatever is out there, you know, I'm at the mercy of life and I give up. So, we need to turn that learn helplessness around and understand that we can change our lives. We are the author of our life, but we need to learn how to.

Michael: And when you learn, and I know you're gonna go into this in your four pillars as we go through the conference. When we learn these things, do you think that we have the ability to see our lives transform? Because I feel like a lot of people will be like, well, I learned this, and then they don't do anything with it. How much of a role does like actually taking action play in this process?

Stephanie: Yeah. I think this is also an important question. It's not only to read the book, see the conference, and then do it. Yes, we need to practice, but sometimes when there's wounding inside of us, we might need a safe attachment to go into it, to transform it from the inside. Nothing will change as long as it's cognitive. You know, I have so many clients who write the whole book, they can teach classes, they know everything about their psychology, their life, but nothing has affected them from the inside to be able to change. So, make sure when you get the information that you also do the proper work to be able to go to the pain, to the dark side inside that actually where the wound lies. And from within, things will automatically transform them. Make sure to do both. If that makes sense.

Michael: It makes a ton of sense. And that's the biggest reason I wanted to build this event around community and have multiple speakers who all have a different point of view and a different range of expertise and experience. I mean, we have people from PhDs to some of the greatest coaches in the country and then obviously looking at that, I go, okay, when we put together and create community, now you have a support system. Now you have the ability to not go through this alone, ‘cuz in that darkness, I think one of the huge mistakes people make is like, they're like, I'm in a dark place, I'm gonna figure it out on my own. And I'm like, ah, you might actually want to get some support, you might actually want to get a little bit of help. And that's why we put Unbroken Conference during this time because as we're heading into the holidays, as we're heading into the end of the year, people are emotionally irregulated all over the place, they feel like they don't have support, they feel like they're alone. And I was like, that's not true, but you gotta show up and you've gotta be willing to play all out. And so, if you haven't registered, come and join us unbrokencon.com. Absolutely free to watch live. And if you want to get VIP, keep the recordings for life, you can do that as well, go to unbrokencon.com. Stephanie, before we wrap up here, and I'm so excited to see your speech, when we get to Unbroken Con next week. What do you think is the most important thing that people need to do to find success during the event?

Stephanie: Yeah. So how can they take the information in, what do you mean?

Michael: Yep, exactly.

Stephanie: Well first of all, I need to say that the people who will be joining, that's already a big deal if you're joining, that says a lot about your personal responsibility. You are being the author of your own life by being there, attending there. You can also watch Netflix, but you're not doing that. You're being there. So that's already a great sign and a great prognos I would say just enjoy it as well. Take as much information you can. You cannot do more than you can, that's also self-love, self-compassion. We can only do as much as we can. We don't need perfectionism and enjoy the process. Don't forget, Michael, the journey to ourselves is one of the most beautiful journeys we are gonna experience, I believe.

Michael: Could not agree more my friend. Very excited for Unbroken Conference. Very excited to have you here, my friend.

Guys, if you have not registered, go to unbrokencon.com

And Until Then.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

We'll see you!

Michael UnbrokenProfile Photo

Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.

Stephanie CariniaProfile Photo

Stephanie Carinia

Clinical psychologist Trauma & Personality Specialist ​

Stephanie Carinia is clinical psychology & post- graduate degree in Clinical psychology at the University of Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

I'm a registered CBT, EMDR & MBT therapist, also trained in Schema focused therapy and working psychodynamically.

I'm specialised in personality disorders, trauma and addiction. Deconstructing why we behave the way we do & (re)connecting you to your intuition, empowering you, is what makes my clock tick. That’s why I studied psychology in the first place: Why do we behave the way we behave (took the scenic route though, started off studying Law..).

In our daily lives we interact all the time with each other. It is in this interaction that we will encounter our personality functioning. In our interactions we will get triggered. From the working environment, onto friendships which already becomes a more intimate area in life, up to the top of the pyramid.. romantic relationships where we will be triggered to the max as this requires maximum intimacy. The more emotions are involved, the more likely defence mechanisms will be triggered and the more likely problems will arise as a result.

I love explaining psychology, to help people understand= empower themselves. I always make sure that by the time my clients leave they will have become their own therapists. My clients often tell me for the first time they really felt understood + felt they understood themselves. Things start to fall into place and their self- confidence instantly grows. This transformation can be quite emotional: "why haven’t they told me this 10 years ago". And I agree, a lot of psycho education on unconscious psychology should be available to everyone. This motivated me to share my knowledge on a larger scale!

My Mission
My mission is to help people connect to their true selves, to trust their intuition and become empowered. This has been a real game changer for a lot of my clients. I focus on our personality, why do we behave the way we behave (the unconscious).