Dec. 20, 2022

Escape Emotional Abuse: Expert Tips for Healing and Breaking Free from a Toxic Relationship

In this episode, I explore the steps to take to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. I will share valuable insights and guidance on how to heal from trauma and break free from the cycle of abuse. If you or someone...
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/what-you-must-do-to-leave-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship-trauma-healing-podcast/#show-notes


In this episode, I explore the steps to take to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. I will share valuable insights and guidance on how to heal from trauma and break free from the cycle of abuse. If you or someone you know is struggling in an emotionally abusive relationship, this is a must-listen episode for finding the strength and support to make a positive change.

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Transcript

Hey, what's up Unbroken Nation! I want to again, preface this and I will do all the videos the same. I'm not a therapist. If you need professional help, please seek it. In the meantime, if you need other resources, check thinkunbroken.com/resources and there's all kind of stuff there that you can find.

I am just an author, speaker, mentor, and coach like I'm not a therapist. I can't diagnose you and I can't give you prescriptions. So, keep that in mind. Take all of my advice with a grain of salt cuz it is only from my personal experience. So, thank you for your questions. I'm glad that you're reaching out. I'll do my best to keep it real with you.

This question's really interesting to me and it's a really difficult question. Get super vulnerable here with you guys. Hope you don't mind.

What are the first steps to leave an abusive relationship that is not physically dangerous?

I was in one for a very long time very long time, and we were just, emotionally abusive to each other, like in the worst ways. We were so incredibly mean to each other, so demeaning to each other like we did, and said the meanest things you could ever imagine, ever. We were fucking assholes to each other. And we were never physically violent minus one time when she slapped me, which in all of my life I don't think I've ever deserved to get hit except for that one moment. And we had this crazy fucking fight she got in my face and we were screaming at each other about literally nothing. Like fast forward a decade, I cannot even remember what we were arguing about. And I was like, you should just go kill yourself. Like literally like straight up the meanest thing I've ever said to anyone and she slapped me and that was the moment, I think we both knew it was done. We had to end it because it was, whatever was next was gonna end up with us in jail or dead.

And so, I'm gonna speak a little bit from both sides of the perspective on this one. She, I gotta say, made a huge decision by walking away first, because I know, looking back on it in retrospect, that we were in a codependent relationship. I could not exist without her and vice versa. And we tied our identity to each other. Everything that we did was with each other or for each other, and we didn't really have a separation of that. And when we did things got stressful, tey got, are you cheating on me? We're looking at each other's cell phones, we're sleeping with other people, we're cheating on each other. Like all of the worst things are starting to happen and we would just lie to each other. And it went both ways, so, I wanna be very clear, like neither of us sent in this and I think about that and looking back and knowing what to look for in a codependent relationship.

And if you don't, there's a lot of signs that you may be in one, if you have someone who's always checking in on you, checking your phone, like talking down to you, putting you down, trying to hold you down, keep you from being great like they're probably like doing that because of their own insecurities. And a lot of times that comes from being codependent where we rely so much on our integrity are valor all of our things and other people and it just doesn't work that way. So, be cautious about that. Look for the signs of being a codependent relationship because that also goes hand in hand with being in an abusive relationship.

And whether or not it's not physical right now doesn't mean that it might not be. I want you to keep that in mind. If you're in a relationship where someone's calling you stupid or worthless, or they're controlling your time where you're at, they're texting you a thousand times a day they won't do certain things without you. If you try to go hang out with friends, they'll follow you. They want to drop you off and pick you up if that shit's happening. You need to start getting away from that. You need to start making a game plan. So, this is from my perspective, like what are the first steps to leave an abusive relationship?

I think the first thing is that you need to talk to your friends and your family and let them know that you are making a plan to get away. You need security, you need safety, you need support, right? You may need to call the police. You may need to get with social services, you may have to get a restraining order. You know, abusive relationships aren't even necessarily like partner relationships, they can be parental relationships, and for me, I had to get a restraining order against my mother and my stepfather because they were so abusive. And I was like a teenager when that happened. So you might have to go that route. You might have to go to the police station, get a restraining order on this person. And it may be simpler than that. I don't know ‘cause I don't know this particular scenario.

If you're an abusive relationship and you know it's abusive and you know it's time for you to leave, you have to leave for your safety and maybe even for your life. And if you're in a relationship and you have children, maybe even for the life of those children, I look back, my mother let the abuse happen to us from my stepfather and when he would beat the shit out of us, and she could have stepped up and she could have done that, but she was in an abusive relationship with him on top of being a drug addict. So you know, you have a lot of things that are pressing against you and ultimately, and I'm gonna keep it real with you. You have to become responsible for yourself. And so, if you feel like you are unsafe, then you probably are. What you need to do is have a real conversation with your gut and say, Hey, me, am I safe in this moment? And if I'm not, get the fuck out seriously, because I don't want a message coming to me.  being like, oh, this person's dead because they didn't show up and get the fuck out. So talk to your friends, talk to your family. I guarantee you someone has a couch that you can live on. I guarantee someone in your friend's group wants you to be safe.

There's also women's shelters, there are men shelters in some cities. So, let's not get a twisted ladies and gentlemen, like there is still abuse on both sides, right? Men, and it's harder for men too. And I realized this because I never had anyone to talk to about my relationship when I was in this decade ago when we were fucking destroying each other's souls. And when I did it, like it, ausman got turn the other cheek or that's just how women are like, that's just not how women are be we created that, like we did that, we made that vortex, we made that chaos together. Go and find security.

If you are in a situation where you're unsafe and you're not sure what to do, I really think the best thing that you can do is just leave and even if it's in the middle of the night and you pack a bag and you hop in the car and you go to mom and dad's house, or you go to your best friend's house or whatever, just get out. Keep yourself safe first and foremost, because like I said, even though you're not necessarily in a physically dangerous situation right now, doesn't mean it won't end up being that way.

I know many friends who have been abused severely by their partners on both sides, male and female. And it always starts with verbal and it always starts with, little things like keeping ties on their time, where are they, what are they doing? Texting them a hundred times, in an hour calling nonstop, showing up at their job. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is showing up at your job without your permission, you don't have a lunch date or your partner, whoever it is, that is a fucking red flag. And you need to bail on that situation as soon as possible. It maybe you have to change your number, block them on social media, like literally change the locks on the house. Go move to the other side of the world, whatever it takes to be safe, because ultimately your security is priority number one.

So my thoughts, literally the first thing I would do is just try to identify the signs of am I in an abusive relationship? And if you come to the determination that you are, you have to make some serious decisions that could save your life.

So, I hope that you do, and please find resources. If you don't know, if you feel like you might be, there is someone who can help you. Google is your best friend. Call the police, call the local fire department. Call somebody, right? Do not sit at home and let abuse happen because, we have enough people who suffer it right now. So that'd be my suggestion.

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Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.