Aug. 2, 2022

E380: These Self-talk TOOLS will get you UNSTUCK and OUT of self-sabotage

On Today's Episode: I talk about the self-talk tools to get you unstuck, out of self-sabotage, and what this means in our lives. We're constantly victims or heroes of our own self, of the words we use with ourselves and how we think about ourselves in...
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e380-these-self-talk-tools-will-get-you-unstuck-and-out-of-self-sabotage/#show-notes


On Today's Episode:

I talk about the self-talk tools to get you unstuck, out of self-sabotage, and what this means in our lives.

We're constantly victims or heroes of our own self, of the words we use with ourselves and how we think about ourselves in the world.

Learn how to heal and overcome childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse, ptsd, cptsd, higher ACE scores, anxiety, depression, and mental health issues and illness. Learn tools that therapists, trauma coaches, mindset leaders, neuroscientists, and researchers use to help people heal and recover from mental health problems. Discover real and practical advice and guidance for how to understand and overcome childhood trauma, abuse, and narc abuse mental trauma. Heal your body and mind, stop limiting beliefs, end self-sabotage, and become the HERO of your own story. 

Download the first three chapters of the Award-Winning Book Think Unbroken: Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma: https://book.thinkunbroken.com/ 

Join the Think Unbroken Trauma Transformation Course: https://coaching.thinkunbroken.com/ 

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Transcript

Hey! What's up, my friends. I hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world today. If you're watching on our YouTube right now, which you can check out, if you just search Think Unbroken Podcast, or you can also search Michael Unbroken, it mean the world to me, if you would come hang out with us over there for a little bit.

Today, I wanna talk to you guys about self-talk and how the words that we are using are often keeping us stuck.

So, if you can see I'm holding my iPad in my hand, I had my coaching session with my coach today and I wrote a note and this note is really, really important, I think not only in my life, but in what it is that I do personally. And so, I don't often share kind of the results of my coaching sessions with you guys, but I wanted to today because I feel like it's very important because this is something that is not exclusive to me while it is my journey and my experience here.

And that is this, I wrote a note and it says:

“You become what you repeat.”

And what this means is in our lives, we're constantly victim or hero of our own self, of the words that we use with ourselves and how we think about ourselves in the world. Now, you know, a huge part of Think Unbroken means be the hero of your own story.

Well, as you know, me personally becoming the hero of my own story is an iterative process, it's still happening today in real time, having this conversation with you, but it's also been a huge part of my life for the last almost now decade plus. And so much of it I came to realize has begun in this place of understanding that the way we speak to ourselves is everything. And when I was in my teens really, honestly, probably earlier, probably when I was like nine or 10 years old and then leading into my teens and into my twenties, I was so incredibly mean to myself. And, you know, it's even when I sat down to think about having this conversation with you, I felt this weird, it's hard to explain the sense, but almost I wanna call it anxiety about talking about some of these things, because a lot of what I'm about to say is not language that I use in my life presently nor do I believe that will ever be language that I will use again, but to create context, I want to be able to step into the discomfort of this language because I know, and I believe that it's going to help.

When I look and I trace back kind of these experiences that I've had working through traumatic experiences, working through healing, most importantly, I think really, probably honestly, more so than anything working through the self-talk aspects of this journey. The one thing that I've come to realize is like, the words that I used to use are the very words that were keeping me stuck, you know, because look you become what you repeat. And so much of my language, and I'll kind of give you a timeline here because I do think it may be beneficial.

When I was a child, 8, 9, 10 years old, my parents, my stepfather, my mother, they used words to me in ways that were see again, I apologize, this feels very like stuttered, it's hard for me to step back into that world because I've really, really worked so hard to train my brain out of it, but I'm gonna go into it so bear with me as I kinda like fumble myself through this. They use words like stupid, dumb, loser, you're not good enough, piece of shit. My step dad called me fat boy all the time, my mother at a couple different points used language so derogatory I'm not even gonna say it cuz it doesn't matter. And then there was this weird, like reinforcement in a lot of ways from the community and my peers and the kids that I was around, right.

Growing up, being the chubby kid, being the kid who often smelled like pee, being the kid who had learning disabilities and health issues, many of which I'm still working through today, it just starts to plant seeds. Right? You effectively become brainwashed because of the words that other people have been using, that's what we could call the echo. Right. We hear the words that other people use just echoing and bouncing back in our head again and again and again, and that leads us this place in which we're looking at our life and going well, that must be true because look at me.

So, my early childhood, those were a lot of the words that I was hearing, that I then started to repeat to myself. And I've mentioned this on this show before at 14 years old, I took a whole bottle of aspirin. I was done. I was in this place of just some massive darkness, right? I was listening to some really dark music, reading, really dark books, watching really dark television. And to me it felt like the outlet because it seemed like those elements of entertainment were the only way that I could feel like someone else understood me. And I have a running joke with anyone who knows me really well, it's like, if you catch me listening to music from like 1998 to 2001, you need to ask me if I'm okay. Right. And so, it's funny to look back on those experiences that kind of led up to me downing this bottle of aspirin, because it was so much in my head where I'm like, if I'm just dead, it's easier. If I go away, it's easier, if I don't have to be the burden to myself anymore, feeling trapped like this effectively, I think about this all the time. I felt so trapped by the environment that I was in, that I wanted to remove my myself from it by any means necessary and unfortunately, that meant downing a bottle of aspirin. And that point in my life as a teenager, I was okay with being dead. I wanted it, you know, and that's a really like, this is what's so difficult about this conversation is that people don't really understand that unless you've been there, right?

People will often say, you know, reach out, ask for help, so on and so forth, and obviously, yes, please, for the love of God, please fucking do that because I'm telling you you're like one reach out away from everything in your life being different. You're one, I need help away from everything being fucking different. And so, I fully fully implore you to do that. But again, I'm going to say this, just speaking with truth, like I wanted to kill myself cuz I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it torture of being a child to a mother who was a drug addict and alcoholic, who was mentally, emotionally, physically abusive. I didn't want to deal with being the kid who had a learning disability, who I would sit in the back of classrooms and I would read magazines or I'd look at pictures because I didn't know what they were talking about. Like it would not process for me. I had massive, massive attention issues as a kid. I didn't want to be the kid who was biracial. Right. I think this is a conversation I'm gonna have this conversation more in the months and years to come on this show, but there's something about being biracial, unless you're biracial, you don't get it. I'm sorry, you just don't. And you know, not to fit in with the black kids and not to fit in with the white kids and to be kind of in the middle, you know, square peg, round, whole kind of situation. I was so alone and ostracized and the words I was repeating was I'm not worth living, so I'm not gonna live anymore, and that's what my teens look like. And after that experience and into the latter years of high school and into my late teens, early twenties, a lot of it was, you're a fucking loser, you're a piece of shit, nobody's gonna love you, nobody cares about you, and then what happened was this weird switch flipped. And I became a hyper independent like way so more than I was as a kid. You know, as a kid, I had to do a lot to survive, so many of us have to do so much to survive as children like it fucking breaks my heart when I think about it. And because of that, I put myself in this situation where it was like, no matter what, I'm not letting anybody in, no entry, there's no tickets to the Michael show. Like there's no level of connection or intimacy or kindness because I had decided, and again, these are the words that I'm amusing because what you repeat, like that's what you become. You become what you repeat. And I was just repeating this shit, right? Now, this is the shout I'm yelling into my own head about all of this shit where it's like, you know what you're a fucking loser go and find other people to make you feel happy. And if you can't do that, just drink yourself to sleep because it doesn't matter anyway. And so, that was so much of what was happening in my late teens and early twenties.

And then a small switch flipped as well, where it wasn't just about the hypervigilance, but it was also about, can I go and be successful in business? And that became the driver, I'm gonna go get successful, make money. And the only thing I was thinking was make a hundred thousand dollars, make a hundred thousand dollars, make a hundred thousand dollars. I had no clarity about any other aspect or element of my life, other than the money. And as many of you know, what effectively happened is at 26 years old, I hit rock bottom, 350 pounds, smoking two packs a day, drinking myself to sleep. And it was in that where the shift that has led me now over a decade later to this conversation with you came into play. And that's because I asked myself a question. I said, what are you willing to do have the life that you want to have. And that question came in. I was like, what are you willing to do, man? Like, what the fuck are you willing to do? How are you willing to show up? Who are you willing to be? What are you willing to suffer through to have a different outcome? And this is where the change started to happen.

Now I've talked about the four years after that, like 25 and a half 26 years old to 29 and a half 30 years old was nothing but suffering and massive fucking misery, all of the time, like it was just painful every single day, because I was trying to reframe these truths that I thought were real and into and moving into who it is that I am today. And so, as I'm looking at my life so much of it has been really about reinforcing, not even positivity necessarily and I would say that I'm not an optimist and anyone who knows me knows that to be true, I'm just simply a realist. And I look at the world and I say, if someone else has done this, I can do it too. And that has led me to really getting serious about like grabbing this pen, journaling, having a coach, reading the books, going through the courses and seminars. I mean, I have more trauma informed certifications than I can count countless hours of education and just really trying to better understand human psychology, the brain neuroscience, so much of the Think Unbroken Podcast is speaking with these incredible human beings with these amazing stories who I learn from every single day that allow me to not only be a better coach, but allow you to learn the same things I'm learning.

And so, now mindset and thinking about these words, what I always come down to this and we've talked about this. Kindness is everything right? Mindset is everything. The way you talk to yourself is everything like you're saying things to your right. Like, and I know I say this and it might come out in this kind of, maybe it's a crass thing, or maybe people think I'm joking, but I'm dead serious about this.

People right now are saying things to themselves that if you said to me, I would punch you in the fucking face. Like you're thinking that you're gonna be successful by doing that. And I know that's like this jarring thing to hear and go, oh my God, but focus on this for a second. If you are being mean to yourself, if you're being an asshole to yourself, how do you expect to fucking succeed in life? Like how do you think that's going to happen? Because it's not, because you've already predetermined through the words that you're using with yourself and understanding that you become what you repeat, now, you are both the shall and the echo in your own mind about the things that are happening in your life and you get to this place of stuckness. So, where do you begin? Like where do you really create change? So, let's say we have the framework and I went into depth on it cause I want you to understand, like my biggest fear is that people see who I am today, what we're building with Think Unbroken and the mission that we have to end generational trauma and they go, oh, that guy figured out something that I don't know. Yes, and slash, but what you have to understand is I had to figure this shit out the hard way, and my hope is if you're paying attention, my fear is that you're going to listen to this and not do anything with it and that sucks. And I know that there are people who are going to do nothing with it and I know that there are people who are going to change their life forever. And I really, really, really want you to be one of those people who it's going to change your life forever. But I cannot do that for you, nobody else can either, this is a fucking you thing. You are both the cause and the solution to all of your problems.

And so how do you do that? Mindset.

We talked about this, what you think becomes what you speak, what you speak, become your actions, your actions become your reality. And if you change the way that you're talking to yourself on a long enough timeline, now you will become what you repeat. And people are terrified of this idea and I've been on this a lot recently in these solo episodes in these solo conversations, I've been on this a lot this idea about not only self-sabotage, but this idea that you can't be you until you change who you are to be the you, that you want to be. And that's hard, that's difficult, but it starts with the words that you're using and it really simply becomes in the moment in this small, granular experience of time, can you be present to make a decision that moves you in a different direction? And I'm not saying necessarily you have to blow up your whole fucking life. I mean, sometimes you do, but I hope that you don't hear and recognize that like imposter syndrome isn't real, I just did an episode on it. Lisa Bilyeu was on the show, if you've not listened to that, like her and I get into this really fiery conversation about imposter syndrome. Right?

And so much of what I believe is that you have to be willing to just simply change the narrative because narrative is what we galvanize ourself against like we think like we create and we paint this picture, we write this book or this story about who it is that we are. And we believe that to be true until we recognize the truth in that we can change the person that we are and we do not have to believe anything other than what we choose to believe not what has foundationally been laid out in front of us as causality to be where we are today.

And so, what you really have to get into and understand is when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself, i.e. I mean, look, realistically, and I'm not bullshitting with you. The idea of the beginning of this show was super anxiety written for me because when I wrote out the talking points and what I wanted to get into today, it was like, fuck man like I do not like using that language. I do not like putting myself in first person and having conversations that are negative because like, I don't wanna reinforce that and that causes anxiety, but I recognize like there's so many of us that have it. And then now you're probably like, well, why did you go in to have this conversation and coaching today and get this thing where you're having this moment of writing down this note of you become what you repeat. Because right now, the biggest thing that I'm thinking about is just a complete and total reframe of my life.

This is what I teach my clients all the time is as you go through this healing journey, you're effectively going to reach new milestones and new plateaus, but the plateaus aren't capped, right? They're just, you stand on them and you look at the next one, right? I look at it like every single time you climb the mountain, there's another mountain. And so right now in front of me is another mountain. And for me to go where I want to go, I have to be able to now not only adapt into this new version of me, but change my thought process and mindset around the person that I want to be so that I can become that. And I can only become that by repeating to myself what I can become, what I am capable of having what I want to build in my life physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually in relationships and community with Think Unbroken. Right. And so much of that comes down to what I repeat. And I realize like there was this very small, like this is why I explained to you guys, journaling is so fucking important because there is this very microscopic small, you probably wouldn't even notice it unless you were paying attention word that I was using in my life, that was keeping me trapped where I was saying this to myself. And it was just like, oh, that's what it was, that one shift is what I need. And so, in real time, I'm processing this still, so I'm not gonna go into it with you guys today in time, maybe tomorrow I might wake up and have it figured out might be a month, I don't know, but as it gets more processed and more nuanced, I'm going to have a better foundational understanding of what this one word is that has kept me stuck, that I've now shifted and am shifting to become the person that I'm capable of being at a different level, because I want to become what I repeat and I want to be successful, I want to in generational trauma in my lifetime, I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy. Right.

So that's the thing, that will not be possible without the shift in my mindset. I cannot, and you cannot get out of this place of stuckness if you are still telling yourself you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're not capable enough. Now it's not as simple as word of affirmations. Like I don't believe that words of affirmations are enough. Go look at any of the psychologists who I've sat and interviewed, go, and I can go look at my own personal journey. Action ultimately is the cure, but we need the words to become the fuel for the vehicle to move us forward.

And if you are stuck, it's because you're using the wrong fuel.

I'm not good enough. I'm a loser. I'm a piece of shit. Nobody like, I even hate saying, I literally just, it's a gross sensation to say that, but I need to create context for you guys to help you understand that those are the words that are keeping you stuck.

So, what I want you to think about and what I want you to do as you move forward is can you leverage kindness, grace, empathy, sympathy, hope, joy, love with yourself. It's not that you have to be this like dainty amongst yourself, it's just simply, can you look at it, acknowledge that you don't have to be all the things that you've been leading up to this moment that you can be different. You can change. You can grow, you can heal, you can let go of the past, you can get unstuck, but the only way that you're gonna do it, it starts with the fucking words that you're using, starts with what is reverberating in your brain that shout in that echo. And then it proceeds to be this thing where if you just pause and you take a pen and you write in this journal and you framework your narrative of what it is that you want to be and who you want to be, you can move towards that.

And my hope is that you will do that and just understand like yourself talk is fucking everything. If I rewind my life and I look at the most pivotal change literally the most pivotal, it wasn't the diet, it wasn't exercise, it wasn't going to the doctor, it wasn't losing weight, it wasn't the workshops I did or the coaching or none of that shit, it was simply starting with one thing, changing the words that I was using with myself.

And I wrote about that in the first book Think Unbroken. If you haven't read it, you can download the first three chapters, if you go to book.thinkunbroken.com and I highly encourage you to get involved and read that book, if you want your life to be different.

And I'll tell you right now for the people who are getting into that book who are taking the courses, I'm about to launch a brand-new community platform, we tried the discord thing didn't go that well, I realized it's not really built yet to be what I need it to be. And so, we're working on changing up the community element of Think Unbroken, it's gonna involve weekly coaching, it's gonna involve a lot of different things, but the point being is grab this book, grab Think Unbroken, go to book that think I'm broken.com. It's on Amazon, it's everywhere. Grab eight steps to healing your inner child, that book's everywhere and really what I want you to do is even if you don't and people will always message me, they'll be like, I can't afford it, okay, cool. You know what I've literally put every single one of those chapters that I recorded on this podcast.

And so, I've said this before, my goal is not fucking money, right? My goal is to change the world. And the only way that I can do that is we have to do this as a community. So, if you're feeling stuck, lost, like you're self-sabotaging, like you can't figure things out, go and start this podcast at episode one, I know we're almost at episode 400, but I promise you, listen to this, actually I think in real time, I'm gonna Google this because I don't know, this is how crazy it gets sometimes where I have to go in here and look at literally the podcast to see how many episodes that we have done. All right, we've done as of today, 380 episodes. If you listen to one of these episodes a day for the next year, 365 days. I'm not even saying like, and honestly like the first handful, they're not that great, cuz I was figuring it out four years ago. Right. But if you listen to 365 episodes of this show and you follow the guidance from not only myself, but these experts who have been on this show, you follow through on what we talk about, you leverage it and you bring it into your life. I fucking promise you. I swear to you in a year, your life will be different.

If you listen to 365 days of Think Unbroken, you will be unbroken. You don't have to pay money. You don't have to join a program. You don't have to join a group. You don't have to do anything other than listen to this show, because that is how you're going to start to create a safe space to change your mind.

So many of these people have had that same experience, all right, guys, I'm gonna end up rambling. I probably already am, it's just, I get fired up about this and it's like, fuck. If I had the tools that I'm giving you right now, like my life would be so much different when I was 19 years old. And my hope is that you'll take this, that you'll give yourself the space to be great, cuz you fucking deserve to be.

So, with that my friends, I appreciate you. Thank you for being here. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend, leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. Check out our YouTube. If you just search Think Unbroken or Michael Unbroken on YouTube.

And Until Next Time.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

I'll see ya.

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Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.