April 14, 2022

E269: How to stop bullying yourself | Mental Health Coach

In this episode, I want to bring some tremendous value today on how to stop bullying yourself. One of the keys to being whole is knowing that you deserve it. Grace gives you the power to pause and look for what you want. Hope gives you the ability to reach for it.
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e269-how-to-stop-bullying-yourself-mental-health-coach/#show-notes

In this episode, I want to bring some tremendous value today on how to stop bullying yourself.

One of the keys to being whole is knowing that you deserve it. Grace gives you the power to pause and look for what you want. Hope gives you the ability to reach for it.


--- HOW?

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Let me ask you a very, very difficult question.

Are you being a bully to yourself?

What's up, Unbroken Nation! Hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world today.

Are you being a bully to yourself? Like really think about this for a second. Are you pulling yourself down or are you raising yourself up?

For so many of us our self-narrative has been bathed in this idea that we are not worthy. And you know one of the really interesting things I think that I've discovered over the years is this juxtaposition of weighing, worth, value, validity, valor, virtuous, all of these things about whether or not I'm showing up for myself every day. And I think that there is this space that we exist in where we can tend to bully ourselves out of creating the life that we want to have, which I would argue is probably the most dangerous thing that we can do as human beings as to tell ourselves, to belittle ourselves, to stuff ourselves down and say no, can't, don't show, shouldn't, won't, right? All the time people will say, try or should or maybe then I think that those words are so defeating that you're immediately setting yourself up for failure when you use them because it's really easy to say oh, yeah, I should be this way or I should try that thing whatever that is but there's no execution on the backside of it and what happens is in that moment of the trial of the should we basically find ways to make sense of whatever is in our head to not follow through.

I've done it a million times like honestly half probably ten million times where I'm like oh yeah, I should do that, I should take care of myself, I should go to therapy, I should in that relationship, I should start that thing over here whatever it is and there's this bully inside of our own head that is just like now you can't do it, you're not good enough, nobody's gonna believe you, how are you an authority on this, people are gonna judge you, like I know some of you right now are having these thoughts. And if you are doing this to yourself you have to understand the long term detrimental ramifications of that kind of momentum.

You know, on this show we talk about momentum all the time, I think momentum everything, it's the way that you create change in the world, it's that cent motion that ultimately put you in a position to be successful because you just keep going and going and going and going and then a long enough timeline as you continue to go this really incredible thing happens in which your dreams, your ideas, your goals, your ambitions come to reality, they come to fruition. But in that place before that happens are these mindset shifts that have to take place because you can get into negative momentum also. Like I'm gonna mean what I say right now like, I think about if I'm bullying myself, if I'm picking on myself it's because I'm not putting healthy food in my body, I'm sitting on the couch all day, I'm not going to the gym, I'm not recording podcast, I'm not coaching, not educating, I'm not reading, I'm not learning, I'm not going deeper my personal development and so many of us do that because that momentum that is negative works in the same exact way as the momentum that is positive. And so you just start falling into this thing where suddenly it's like when you ride a bike for the first time or anytime actually in order to stay up you must have a certain amount of momentum because without that speed forward you are going to fall down; you're gonna fall on your side, it is what it is, try to get on a bicycle going less than one pedal a minute it's impossible you cannot stay on it. And what happens is we get on the bicycle of this thing called life this journey that we're on and we start pedaling and we're going and for a moment things are good and then suddenly we're coasting and the next thing you know we have toppled over and that happens in the good things and in the bad things of our life. And this idea about bullying is when that bicycle topple over is you don't pull yourself back up, you don't pick yourself back up and say you know what? I failed, I fell down, I learned, I iterate, let's go again. And what happens is now that momentum you're right is gone and so you start chasing this idea well you know I already failed once, fell off the bike what's the point in getting back on it? Well the point in getting back on it is that this is your fucking life, the point in getting back on it is that you have to make decisions about who you are, the point in getting back on it is who do you want to be tomorrow and who do you have to be today in order to be that tomorrow, and that's what this entire process is and that bully in your head those thoughts those negative ideations that have been implanted in you if you listen to those you know as well as I do you're not going to be successful.

So, you have to challenge that narrative by doing incredibly difficult things and so in doing those incredibly difficult things even in the moments of doing them we will go to this place in our head where we go well I'm not worthy, I don't deserve it, why would anyone believe me, I'm not an authority, blah, blah, blah and the only way I found that you shut those up that you squash those is you continue to follow through anyway. Same reason why I do podcast every day of the of the year, right? Because there's purpose behind it, because it helps me grow, helps me further solidify, there's a reason why I sign up for physical endurance events because I want to be able to push myself harder than I've ever been so that I can determine and understand whether or not I do have the capability to be the person that I know I'm capable of being tomorrow. And in that voice people ask me all the time well, don't you have that voice, don't you ever feel like you're stuck, don't you give up and the answer is of course I do but I don't allow that voice to super seed the voice that says I'm going to go forward. And so when that bully in my head pops up, I tell him to shut the fuck up, he doesn't get a say in this conversation, does not get a plate at this table, he's not coming into this conversation in any capacity.

I think people have to recognize like if I were to give you a tool that I think is incredibly practical it's understanding the truth that sometimes you have to force yourself into being nice to yourself like, really like I know that's a crazy concept but you do have to force yourself; you have to be like shut up evil me I'm gonna let good, gracious, kind, hopeful, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic me lead the charge for a minute. Shut the fuck up. It's weird because like it is kind of like you're bullying yourself so it's like this weird juxtaposition but at the same time it's like you're doing it for the betterment of yourself.


There a quote that I read from Jordan Peterson today that actually kind of prompted this conversation I'm gonna read you, says;

“it is not virtuous to be victimize by a bully even if that bully is one oneself

There's no virtue in pulling yourself down, there's no virtue in this idea that you can destroy yourself, right? There’s nothing about that is a virtuous and if you do not know what virtue means I'm gonna read you the definition you know I feel about definitions it's very, very important.

Virtue is the quality or practice of moral excellence; it is the practical moral excellence, it is conformity of one's life and conduct to moral and ethical principles.

Think about that for a second moral and ethical principles, it is immoral to beat yourself up, it is not ethical to destroy yourself. So what's going this a little bit more? I wanna share this with you because I think it's important. So let's look up the word ethical because I want you to be able to make meaning of this, right? And this is a word that for me for a very long time I've been trying to make a deeper meaning of and that's why I was really struck by this this quote I read earlier.

Ethical means being in accordance with the accepted principles of right and wrong that govern conduct.

Being in accordance with the accepted principles of right and wrong that govern conduct. Being in accordance, that's alignment, that's about choice, that's about decision, that's about putting yourself in a position to be successful. Are you doing things in accordance with the life that you want to have? And bullying yourself is not gonna fucking get you there, destroying yourself is not going to get you there. Being kind to yourself, showing up, being disciplined, executing, going to therapy, getting a coach, reading the books, all of the things that we talk about all the time that's how you get to where you want to go. And so if you wanna stop bullying yourself it's about showing up for yourself, it's about being the person that you know you're capable of being and living with ethical behaviors and being virtuous for the right purposes because you're seeking excellence. And excellence should be defined by you.

Excellence while you can look at it and think to yourself okay, that means this like think about what it means, it is about this idea of being who you want to be. And for me excellence is very simple. I asked myself… Did I do everything in my power to be the person capable of being who I want to be tomorrow, today? And if the answer is no then, I know I did not operate in excellence that day and then instead of beating myself up, I say alright what do I actually need to do right now to get there because if the day ain't over we ain't done.

You know, I've told you guys this before there's been moments in my life where you know it's one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning, I did not finish doing the thing I said I was gonna do I'm gonna go execute, I'm gonna go do it because discipline is everything. So, do you wanna stop bullying yourself? If you wanna start being a person of virtue in your own life, if you want who start being a purpose driven person who loves himself, who cares about themselves, who honors themselves, who shows up it is not about beating yourself up it is instead about doing what it is that you know you need to do to propel you forward. And so much of that just starts with the way you're talking yourself, right? And we've talked about this before kindness is everything.

So, think about who you need to be today. Don't bully yourself.

You already have the fucking world to do that for you. Show up for yourself today with kindness, with gratitude, with empathy, with sympathy, with hope, with compassion and ultimately with grace.

And Until Next Time.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

I'll see you.

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Michael Unbroken


Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.