E211: How to Manage Respect Expectations in Relationships | Trauma Healing Podcast
In this episode, I want to share with you my thoughts about respect. Respect doesn’t necessarily only come from your boundaries. Still, I often think about how many of us get in this position, how much we were in relationships, when careers, when...
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e211-how-to-manage-respect-expectations-in-relationships-trauma-healing-podcast/#show-notes
In this episode, I want to share with you my thoughts about respect.
Respect doesn’t necessarily only come from your boundaries. Still, I often think about how many of us get in this position, how much we were in relationships, when careers, when friendships, where we either don't feel respected or reciprocate respect?
Have you thought about what the word respect means in your life?
Unbroken Nation, I invite you to listen today because we need to come together and be willing to have these conversations.
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Have you thought about what the word respect means in your life?
I was thinking about this the other day, Unbroken Nation.
--
What's up? I hope that you're having an amazing day my friends and I want to share with you my thoughts about respect. You see, I used to think I knew what respect meant until I discovered that I was being disrespected and I don't just mean this in terms of friendships, careers, relationships or business, but even myself. Now, that's where it gets interesting, that's where it gets really interesting.
Ask yourself this question right now.
Are you respecting yourself?
Are you doing the thing that you said you were going to do?
Are you holding yourself accountable?
Are you keeping your boundaries in place?
Are you saying, yes to the things you need to say yes to?
And no, to the things that you need to say no to?
When it comes to respect when other people in your life, cross your boundaries.
Are you standing up for yourself?
Are you communicating it?
Are you telling them – hey, you're not respecting me!
For a long time, I didn't actually really for the vast majority of my life, but I didn't because it felt to me like every time I spoke my mind every time that I was honest I would be in danger and many of us find that true.
So ask yourself this question. Look at your environment. Look around, make meaning of what's happening in your life and where you are today and find out whether or not you are actually truly in danger or if your brain the defensive mechanism built within it to keep you safe, is telling you don't speak up for yourself because it's unsafe. Chances are that's not true.
Now, respect isn't necessarily only come from your boundaries, but I think about this quite often how many of us get in this position how much were in relationships, when careers, when friendships, where either we don't feel respected or we don't reciprocate respect?
And what does respect actually mean?
I think this is one of those words and one of those concepts and ideas that as an individual we all have to define.
Who are we when it comes to respect?
What do we want?
What will we accept?
What will we not accept?
I have a rule of thumb in my life and it's very simple. If you disrespect me, I'm going to tell you. You disrespect me again; I'm going to tell you. I'm going to have try to have a solid foundational conversation because here's what's really interesting about this word in this concept, the way that you and I view and look at respect is very different than someone else.
And so, whereas the action that you take in your life, may make me feel disrespected. To you, you go, oh, this is just natural, this is who I am. I cannot tell you enough and I really want you to understand this how important it is to have massive undeniable clarity about what this word means? Because it truly is everything when connecting with other people because I promised you and I know this from firsthand experience, you can have love, companionship, friendship, you can have all those things that people want, that is not enough.
You must have respect. You must honor that part of you that says;
This is my boundary.
This is my border.
This is what it is acceptable.
This is what is not acceptable and you must be willing to communicate that.
Here's what's really fascinating about social dynamics, it's really simple.
You see this all the time and you probably, I mean, in a hypothetical world, not blaming you, not saying this is you, but there are people in the world there's a moment that they feel disrespected by an employer, a friend, a partner, a community member, they pick up their phone and they tell somebody about it. But what's really fascinating about that is that most of the time they don't communicate with the person who has disrespected them. Why is that? Why don't we tell the people who are disrespecting us that they are disrespecting us? Why don't we stand up for ourselves? Why don't we show up for ourselves? And really, the moment that is probably essential to growth because look, if you want to have a better relationship, a better friendship, a better community, you're going to have to have that hard conversation because people cannot read your mind.
And look, I'm going to flip the coin to. Being told that you are not respecting someone somebody comes to you and they say, hey, I don't feel like you're respecting me. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of the world for you but does it mean that you've done the worst thing possible. But what it does mean, is that you need to pay attention, you need to bring more awareness to who you are, to your actions and how you're showing up in the world. And look, I will always be the first one to admit. You guys know this. I've disrespecting people a hundred percent, the truth is and I hate to say it, it'll probably happen again. Why? Because like you I'm a fucking human being, I am flawed, I will make mistakes but in that, here's what's interesting.
When someone tells you, hey, you're disrespecting me. You don't have to take it as an admission of guilt, right? It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be this thing about guilt that kills all the effort and energy that you're putting into rectifying and creating the life that you want to have. But instead, it becomes this marker for you to simply look at your life and acknowledge, wait a second, huh? There's a communication breakdown here, there's a conflict of value here, there's a collision of value here, there's somehow, we are not in parallel, and it may be your fault and that's okay. Because what's really wonderful about when things are your fault, you get it take ownership over them and you'll learn a tremendously important lesson.
And as you grow and as you get deeper into this, you'll want to things really interesting is a lot of people learn lessons about respect at a very, very young age for trauma survivors, for us warriors, for as motherfuckers are listening to this right now, that's not true. We've had to learn about this stuff at 27, and 35, and 52 years old. We don't have a marker for precedent for understanding what is and is not acceptable when it comes to respect, because we've only ever been disrespected. And so discovering, it is like – climbing up a mountain, it's incredibly difficult. It's trying, its taxing exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But every single time you climb up that mountain and you kind of fall face first into the snow, you get to learn something.
And as long as you're willing to learn something and that moment, as long as you're willing to learn something, and that moment you will continue to grow but people, when they contact you, when they come in communication with you about the idea that you have disrespected them. It's really easy to destroy yourself and go; I'm not good enough fucking deserve this, here we go again, it's exactly what everyone said I was going to be, that's the easy way out.
Don't give yourself the easy way out because when you do that, you're not respecting yourself. Instead, what you do in that moment as you acknowledge, you go, you know what? Yes. You're actually absolutely right. And because you were willing to tell me this, I now have an understanding that gives me the ability to shift the way that I behaved, the way that I act, the way that I speak, the way that I show up.
So as you head into life, as you head into, what's next, take this, carry this thing about this respect is something really important, but it must be defined.
You must be willing to have the conversation. You must have the aptitude for growth when it comes to respect and it's not always going to be easy because the people we love will disrespect those the people we admire, the people we look up to, the people that we cherish, they will disrespect us, and we will do the same unless we're willing to have the hard conversations, unless we're willing to have the back and forth unless we're willing to grow together.
So Unbroken Nation, thank you so much for listening.
I want to say, thank you because over the course of the last couple months to show is really starting to blow up and that's because of you. It's not because of me, it's because of you. For you showing up, you being a part of the community and you sharing this.
So please do me a favor, screenshot this episode.
Put it on social media.
If you know, somebody who needs to hear this today, share it with them.
If you have a partner and you're like, yeah, we've had some respect issues, we need to communicate, share this with them, a friend, a colleague community member.
We need to come together and be willing to have these conversations.
So, I appreciate you Unbroken Nation.
Have an amazing day.
And Until Next Time.
My friends, Be Unbroken.
I'll see you.
Michael Unbroken
Coach
Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.
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