Nov. 21, 2021

E141 Hard work, Time and Patience | CPTSD and Trauma Healing Coach

In this episode, I read the chapter of my book Think Unbroken Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma. And I read one of the chapters about Hard work, Time, and Patience.  There are bits and pieces that you can compile from the world around...
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e141-hard-work-time-and-patience-cptsd-and-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes


In this episode, I read the chapter of my book Think Unbroken Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma. And I read one of the chapters about Hard work, Time, and Patience.  There are bits and pieces that you can compile from the world around you to create your protocol, but at the end of the day, you have to be patient with yourself, and you have to give yourself time to heal even if it takes the rest of your life. When I decided to take the first step, I realized that the hard work ahead could not be measured against metrics or timelines. No one can determine what that thing is except for you.

Are you ready to take the first step and create a massive change in your lives? Join us as I share this episode!
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Transcript

HARD WORK

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending. – Neale Donald Walsch

I knew when I decided to take my healing journey to the next level that it was going to be hard.

I knew that I had a stadium worth of trauma to unearth and that doing so would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I don't want to sugarcoat this shit, what you are about to embark on throughout this journey is going to test every bit of spirit that you have, that's the truth. For years, I felt misaligned with, who I was because I was working hard for the wrong things with the wrong motives. I chased money, drugs, material possessions, and women but those endeavors make my life better and because of that my efforts while fruitful at most times were also disastrous.

When I made my choice to take the first step. I came to the understanding that the hard work ahead, could not be measured against metrics or timelines. Measuring the success of the hard work involved in healing trauma is based on the understanding of who you are in the current moment. And if you are moving in the direction of your wants, needs, and interests relative to who you want to be.

There is no scale or bell curve to see if the work you are doing is paying off, thus, you have to be diligent and give yourself the space to stay the course without judgment or persecution.

On paper, the idea of self-care, healing, and going towards who I am, felt simple, yet, in practice, it was a daunting battle of will and determination.

My journey of healing will never be over, but it is easier to continue forward without expectation or define milestones. I simply stay the course.

Here are the healing processes that I didn't realize, we're going to be hard;

  • Keeping my commitment to therapy
  • Loving myself
  • Talking about the past
  • Letting go of shit, that didn't matter
  • Taking a stand for myself
  • Sharing my story
  • Telling the truth to people in my life
  • Giving up drugs
  • Not using alcohol to numb my emotions
  • Realizing that I hated the person I was and doing something about it
  • Packing up my life and moving
  • Feeling emotion
  • Crying
  • Finding love for myself
  • Identifying my values wants, needs and interests
  • Honoring my values
  • Choosing honesty at all times
  • Being single
  • Being celibate, including porn
  • Going to the gym
  • Eating healthy and nourishing food
  • Celebrating my victories
  • Owning up to my own shit
  • Asking for help
  • And most importantly owning who I am

All these processes were possible because I chose to have the courage to tap into the exact person that I felt was inside.

Owning yourself includes owning the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Owning who I am, is something that I still do every day, even though, for years I have felt very in tune with who I am.

I am always growing, always changing, always learning, and always moving forward.

Owning myself includes the times when I am successful, and when I fail, both are equally important. I believe that ownership is the hardest thing that you can do because owning your story means that you have to accept that really bad shit happens to you.

It fucking sucks to have to come to terms with the facts that you were beaten, emotionally abused, molested, or anything else in between. You have to accept that the abuse that you suffered was not your fault. The potential of becoming you can be terrifying when your environment has set the expectation that you are a failure and you own up to that in life, business, and relationships then reframing that sequence and stepping forward is seemingly impossible. However, you cannot get to the checkered flag at the end of a marathon without taking that first step.

And before you can set foot on the course, you have to decide that you are going to run. As you have read ownership means doing what you know you need to do. No one can decide what that thing is except for you. What will hard work mean for you? The answer will reveal itself in time. You may find that journaling or meditation is incredibly hard or maybe just getting in the car to drive to a therapy session takes every ounce of effort in your body and soul.

We all start our mission in a different place, and the route will take us through different experiences and understandings of ourselves. The hard work comes and taking that first step every day.

 

TIME AND PATIENCE

Let us remember that humanity's story has only two perennially reoccurring themes, struggle, and progress. – Brendon Burchard.

Time and Patience are not the same but they are mutually exclusive in my experience. You may find that time and patience will be the cornerstone of your trauma healing journey.

Three years ago, I was sitting in my therapist's office on the inner northeast side of Portland, it was a dreary cold early spring day. The trees had not yet started to bloom after a bitter winter. The sun would peek its head through the clouds in the early afternoon from time to time but for the most part, the weather was ripe for sadness.

As the sun poked through the clown's reflecting off, the droplets of rain sat on the steam-covered window of the office. I leaned back in my chair and had the realization that I was never going to be done with healing.

I look towards my therapist and said; no offense, but I don't want to be in this fucking office right now. I don't want to talk to you about shit that isn't my fault. I didn't deserve what happened to me, so why the fuck am I the one paying the consequences for other people's behavior? I fucking hate this!

I hate wasting my time, talking to you and I hate the fact that every Wednesday for years I have spent my evenings in here or some other chair talking about getting fucked up by the adults who were supposed to care for me, this fucking sucks.

I remember this conversation like – it was yesterday because it was the first time that I knew without a doubt, there is no end to this process. Throughout the healing process, there are systems to keep us on track when we take a step back and there is moving forward, but it doesn't stop. There is no day that you're magically not impacted by trauma. There are days that it will not exist and there are days that it will mind you that it is always there.

Some of the effects of trauma, linger and manifest in different ways at different times. I believe that you can mitigate the impact of trauma and lesson how past experiences impact you, but all of the time in the world doesn't make what happened, go away.

As I sat in my therapist's office that day, I also realized I had a full choice over everything, that was going to happen next in my life. This wasn't the first time that I thought this but it was the first time that I felt it.

It was a feeling that I can't fully describe but if I tried the word empowered comes to mind. I spent so much of my life always pushing forward because I thought it was what I had to do. And at that moment, I knew that having agency meant that I could do so with purpose and not just to do it.

Despite the newfound understanding that I would never be done with my healing journey. I decided that I could be patient and give myself the space to heal. I looked at the undertaking in front of me as a business transaction.

I consider trauma to be a problem that I could solve with cash and that I needed a solution for and time and patience as the currency.

When I compiled that data into my brain, I knew that there was no going back, I said goodbye to the idea that I would one day stop therapy.

I accepted that despite being very pissed off. I do take breaks from time to time, but being able to bounce my ideas and understanding of self off of someone who is as skilled and navigating trauma as I am, is a godsend.

There is no quick fix in the journey you are undertaking. You're going to have to be patient, especially on the days that it's the hardest to do these things.

No blueprint or book will show you how to navigate the next phases in your life. There are bits and pieces that you can compile from the world around you to create your protocol, but at the end of the day, you have to be patient with yourself and you have to give yourself time to heal even if it takes the rest of your life. You owe yourself that much.

                                                                                                                    

 

Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.