In this episode, I want to share that the hardest aspect of being a trauma survivor is learning what you should have been taught. Did you know that you are worthy of love without an exchange of value? I didn't understand that reality at all until this...
See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e140-the-greatest-personal-development-discovery-of-my-life-love-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes
In this episode, I want to share that the hardest aspect of being a trauma survivor is learning what you should have been taught. Did you know that you are worthy of love without an exchange of value? I didn't understand that reality at all until this weekend. I literally became a different person. Today I am a different person. I can't explain it in the text, but if you have ever struggled with love, I think you should watch this. Every aspect of my life feels different today. I'm still trying to understand this, but I believe in teaching what I learn. So here goes.
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Hey! What's up, Unbroken Nation! I hope that you're doing well. I wanted to talk to you guys about LOVE.
You see this weekend, I had this really incredible shift in the understanding of who I am. And in real-time because I'm processing this with you, I wanted to share something because I think it matters, I believe that it's pertinent to the experience that we have had as being trauma survivors to understanding the possibility of the frame of what's next for us in our lives.
You see this weakened, I discovered something about myself, that not only has been the barrier of my life but also has been something that has kept me locked, kept me stuck, kept me from really being able to become the next version of who it is that I am.
And I believe that many of you are having the same exact experience. And so I hope that you'll bear with me through the hoarseness here and through the rambling of this conversation with you today because I know that it's going to matter, I know that it's going to be impactful for you.
When we grow up and we come from trauma, we believe many of us and I'm going to include myself in that. We believe that love is something that we have to earn. We believe that love is something that we have to have with reciprocation that we must give and thus receive. We grew up believing that that love is something that if we don't show up the way that other people want us to show up that we don't get to experience and because of that and because of the belief that we have around love and what we are and are not by human nature, deserving to have, we often become stuck and those things, those experiences of our past, they dictate our future. I always said, if you understand how you get to where you are, you can understand how to get to where you want to go.
And for years, I've struggled with love like – and context. One of the greatest moments of my life was learning this idea and concept that when you're at your lowest, go and be of service. And right now I'm going, to be honest with you, I'm at one of my lowest but I'm also at one of my highest I'm having one of the craziest human experiences of my life and the reason is that I've discovered something new and it's scary because in the discovery there was pain and suffering. And in the discovery now, there is this really beautiful understanding that I have and it's this and it's really simple, I wrote it down, it came from meditation and it's that; Love does not have to have an exchange of value.
You see many of us, spend our entire lives vying for the love and admiration and the affection of the people around us to earn it because we feel like we must. But what if you didn't, what if that was just your belief system? What if the way you were thinking about love? Because it was installed and you like software as a child, you have to earn it or I don't love you. You have to show up the way I want you to or I don't love you.
What if those belief systems have kept you stuck? Have kept you from going to the next level in your life? Have kept you in this position where you sabotage relationships, where you cheat on your partner's, where you cheat on your taxes, where you lie to your business associates, where you hurt your siblings, where you lie to yourself when you look in the mirror where even though you're going through this process of trying to figure out what's next? You're still stuck. And I think, I know this to be true and I'm going through this in real-time with me. So of again, bear with me.
This idea that love has to have a value, the exchange is bullshit. I want you to actually say this, I know you might be in your car, in your gym or you're on the way to work, wherever it is. I know it's going to be weird, but I want you to think about this and I want you to say it because it's really going to make sense the idea that you have to purchase your love is bullshit, and what you say it. So I'm going to say the idea that you have to purchase love is bullshit. What is it? It's bullshit.
And I've got to give a lot of love to Tony Robbins for teaching me this because the truth is like the idea that you have to go and have love, but sold paid for beg, borrow, stolen, man, it's fucking painful, you know, but we come by that honestly, when we're children we're told like you can't have love without a price, we're told that and it's not true.
And that was the revelation that I had this weekend, over the course of the last month, last week, last year, last decade of my life was trying to get to this place. From a practical standpoint, I think trauma survivors are incredibly good at becoming world-renowned at anything they put their mind to in life because our resiliency is so high, our IQs are so fucking high, we become CEO, was in presidents and billionaires, right? But are EQ, our emotions, they're so low, they're so down at the bottom and we can heal and we can get to a certain level, maybe you get to one or two or three, but what have you get to 10? What if you could emotionally get to 10 because you use love as the lever to get you there. What if that was a possibility for you?
You see I believe it is because this has been my journey, this is what I've been tapping into further and deeper, and in this way that has really hit me in becoming profound in my life recently. And look, I think one of the really difficult realities of this understanding is like that cultivation of that love, that understanding of getting this place of acknowledgment that you are allowed, you are okay, and you are worthy of having and love often has a catalyst of pain and front of it. Like – I wish that wasn't true, I wish that thing of pain wasn't there, I wish we didn't have the mistakes that we made, I wish we didn't have the poor experiences and the mistreatments and has hurt people but we do; but that catalyst, that can change everything.
If you change her identity and you change the decision that you are worthy of love because having to pay for love is bullshit, right?
And so here's what I want you to think about. Actually, before I say that I want to say this.
I don't know that anyone is, perfect. We're all having a human experience to error is to be human and it's one of the oldest quotes that come to my mind when I think about what it means to be, who I am today. I've made mistakes, I will make more mistakes, I've hurt people, I will do my best, not to do it again, but I know that it's a part of the experience. Sometimes, we'll break our values. Sometimes, we'll break our word. Sometimes, we'll break our commitment. Sometimes, we won't go towards our goals. Sometimes, we'll sabotage our relationships or our jobs, in our careers, or our family or connectedness. But you have to ask yourself, WHY?
You have to go deep into understanding what it is that you believe that has allowed you to give yourself the space to break those things. Is it because someone instilled that in you that you're not good enough? Because you don't have worth? Because the only way that you feel like you have value or significance in the world? Is it by taking from other people? That questions are hard. Why do you do, what you do? Why are you tied into this identity about this is who I am? Are you really that person who doesn't love yourself? That person doesn't show up? That person, that doesn't communicate their wants, needs, and interest to the world? Are you?
My guess is that you're not. But you've been programmed your conditioning has led you to this place where you believe that you are until you change that program until you tell you to change that conditioning until you change that mindset, I don't believe in anything changes. Change only happens, when you make change happen.
Now, they're going to be catalysts for change and I think this is really important. And so the catalyst for change comes in asking the questions and getting down to the root of who it is, that you are as a human being. Do you hurt? Do you sabotage? Do you lie? Do you still? Do you run? Do you hide? Do you do those things because you're scared of intimacy because you're scared of connection because you're scared of love because if the answer is yes, that's probably tied into your human experience? That answers been, yes, to me for a very long time and I know you're listening to and you're like – yeah Michael, but you've written best-selling books and you have this amazing podcast, you coach thousands of people. Yes, I have that doesn't mean that I don't still have healing to do. I say this all the time like – I don't know that the healing journey really, ever ends, I think it's an evolution. I think that the deeper you get into it, the more you start to understand who you are, and over a decade end of this like I feel like understanding myself at a deeper level than I ever have because of the questions that I'm asking, because the quality of your questions, determine the quality of your answers. Why do I show up like this in relationships? Why do I show up like this at work? Why do I show up like this with the stranger at the gas station? Or the waitress or the mailman, or whomever it is that I encounter in my day? Why do we show up with angst and anger and hurt and pain and frustration? Where does that come from? Was that being modeled for us, as children? Do we see that in our family? Was our mother, our father, hurt, angry, frustrated, painful all the time, right?
When we were children, when we're in our developmental years, we pick up on everything. And so much of our narrative is subconscious like think about this. And it said that 95% of who we are is already created by the time that we're 35 years old, been 95% of that is subconscious, that's deep in there, that's programming that stuff that you don't think about that makes you act until you start thinking about and start asking yourself. Why am I doing this?
And I think, the way that you move through this is that you have to cultivate this tremendous sense of love, this emotion of love, this feeling of love and understand that you can have it. You are worthy of having it. You deserve to have this love for yourself, for the world without reciprocation, without an exchange. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to earn love, you have to earn things in life? Yes. Fuck. Yes, you do. Absolutely. You've gotta earn you out of your paycheck, you've got to build your business. So you gotta, you know, you've got to be able to make your body better and eat healthy foods and wake up on time and journal and meditate, like you have to earn those things. But love? Love comes without cost. You don't have to have this idea in you, that you have to earn it, you can have it without this moment of exchange, but you have to change your belief and that's the experience that I'm going through right now in real-time is understanding that is looking at the relationships that I've destroyed, looking up the friendships I've destroyed, looking at the things in the course of my 36 years of life and which I've been living in the narrative of the past. Where my belief system was dictating who I am my identity. My identity was I'll be successful in business, but I'll never have loved it. My identity was, I'll be great at writing books or speaking to people, but I'll never allow myself the space to have intimacy, right?
I learn how to turn myself off from a very young age and many of us as survivors do, why? Because it's an autonomic response, it's subconscious, it's a defensive mechanism to be avoidant, to hide, to withdraw. And we can have all the best things in the world, we can have our life can be out of all the things that a nine out of ten, but that one piece is missing and I think it's the most important, it's the biggest catalyst and that's LOVE. And if that is missing, you'll never have a fulfilled life because I don't know about you, but I want to 10/10 life.
The hard part about that is that hurt, that pain, that suffering, that we've experienced, that we've given back to the world, that we've given to the people, that we love, even though there's this level of love that we have, is because we haven't yet gone to this place in which we have determined that it is a decision that we must make that gives us the space, to be loved.
To feel love, to give love, to receive love without reciprocation, without an exchange. You don't have to get an ROI on love. You don't have to get an exchange, no one has to give you anything and you don't have to give someone anything just to simply be. And so the question I want you to be thinking about pain during planting a seed as can you be okay with being loved without having to have a return? Without having to give to someone?
Love doesn't cost anything, it exists in the world, it's all around as it's everywhere, we touch it, we feel it. It's inside of us, it's around us that surrounds us all the time. And it's difficult when we come from places of trauma to look at love and question and go, well. Why can't I have that?
Honestly, I believe that you can I believe that I can and that's why I'm making this video because I don't know that I'm necessarily conveying this in the most practical way at the moment because I'm doing this in real-time and I'm trying to make meaning of it, but love is this really beautiful thing, that doesn't require anything other than you being here. Have you been presented a view existing? and that applies to the people around you, too. Can you love them without having to have a prerequisite? Can you love them without having to have something in exchange?
And I think a lot of this comes into this idea, in this notion about forgiveness and I talked about this a lot but I think one of the most incredible things about the human experience, is our ability to change our mind and I'm having a mind shift right now, and I wouldn't say entirely but you've heard me talk about this idea that I believe that you have to earn forgiveness, to some extent right there. I think there's action but I also think that forgiveness is kind of this.
And again, I'm making meaning of this in real-time, so bear with me, but I believe that forgiveness is a part of the human experience because if we carry that if we can't let go of the hurt that people caused us, we're never going to be free to see. On my practical side, this is the conclusion, I've come to make; that forgiveness equals peace, right? Peace is often and I asked, trauma survivors all the time whenever we're interacting when they've read my book when they come into coaching a small like, what do they want?
Most people say peace. So, how do you get to peace? Well, I think peace is love and so I think to get there, you have to forgive to get, peace and peace you get love. It's like this trains, like – here's a stop, here a stop, here is a stop. And so to get that love, to get that peace, to get that thing that you want, you may have to offer forgiveness to yourself. Can you forgive yourself for your mistakes? And in that forgiveness, can you hold yourself to a higher personal standard? Can you change the level at which you are willing to tolerate your own bullshit? Because you have made a decision. Can you go through that? Like – ask yourself right now. Can I forgive myself? Ask the question because of question is, no, I want you to challenge yourself. I want you to challenge yourself to do it anyway because here and again, this is real-time. I believe that forgiveness is ultimate, the catalyst to peace, which equals love which ultimately becomes being Unbroken.
People ask me all the time like – what does it mean to be unbroken? It means to show up for yourself, it means to do the hard things that mean to get uncomfortable. The most uncomfortable thing for me has been love.
Love for my brothers, love for partners, love for associates, love for strangers on the street. And again, like – I'm learning to with you and I'm teaching you what I'm learning because I believe it's valuable. I don't have all the answers. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm gonna screw up but every single day I'm trying to hold myself to a new standard, I'm trying to understand the conditioning that stuff that is wired, subconsciously that has led me to make the decisions that I've made both good, bad and indifferent.
I'm trying to leverage those things to have grace for myself.
Grace is so important in this and in that grace, and in that space of forgiveness, and in that space of growing, and in that space of no longer tolerating my bullshit, it's love, right? That's the thing you get to take with you. And in that love, the most beautiful thing that happens is that; this is what I'm feeling right now is that it's okay to be loved, you're worthy of being loved, you're worthy of having love, of giving love, of receiving the love of showering people with love, of being showered with love with no exchange, there's no price you have to pay. Love doesn't cost money, you can't go to the store and buy love. So why the fuck are we trying to do it every day in our real life? You deserve love, without having to earn it. You are worthy of love without having to earn it. That's what's so beautiful about this moment that I'm having is recognizing even for myself.
At this moment, 36 years old over a decade into personal development, multiple books podcasts, speaking around the world, running successful businesses, like holy shit! I can have that too. It's so funny to me because I think about the future and I think about what it is that I want to accomplish and I think about Think Unbroken and the impact that I have on people like you. Who are still here in this moment, listening going through this with me, learning with me, growing with me, loving with me and it's about being of service. It's about giving you the tools that I've discovered because I want you to have them too.
Ultimately my goal as you know, it's to end generational trauma in my lifetime. That's a lot of fucking work by myself. I need your help, but you can't in that if you don't love yourself. You can't help me in that if you don't love the world. You can't help me in that, if I don't love you, if I'm not willing to accept your love for no exchange, for no value, for nothing other than the fact that you're a human being like me having a human experience.
And the most beautiful part about this experience at this moment and this truth are that right now, you can make a decision. Right now, you can make a decision, you can make a choice to change your life, by accepting that you are worthy of love. Can you accept that you are worthy of love? Want you to say YES. Are you worthy of love? Yes. Are you worthy of love? Yes. Are you worthy of love with no Roi? Yes. Are you worthy of love without having to earn it? Yes.
You are worthy of love because you are not broken. See what happens is people get broken, they go through this shit, that happens of them, all of those pieces, get taken and thrown on the ground and we have to put them back together.
The hardest fucking part about being a trauma survivor about going through that dark shit is removing ourselves from that fucking identity and being willing to show up for ourselves, to love ourselves, to forgive ourselves, and in return, do that for the people around us to show up for them, to be of service, to forgive them, to love them because it's always been instilled in as if that's not reality. But the truth is, this is a reality for you. You can have that you deserve to have that; you have to understand how you got to this moment though and you have to go deep and look at the experiences that you have.
Did your mom only ever hug you when you did the dishes? Did the only way that you ever get treated kind by your parents was when you did what they wanted you to do? The only time that you get admiration was in school when you did bad things, was that the only time you ever had significance, or you were seen in your life? Because those things lead to this moment. If you had all these experiences where people only ever gave you attention, admiration, compassion, sympathy because you sabotage because you hurt because you have a roadblock up then when you're an adult that's going to hold true. That's been my fucking experiences, that's what I've been battling is going through and going from a practical sense. Yes. I can do fucking anything but from this sense of love, there's always abandonment, there's always this failure to show up, there's always this thing of like – man, if I don't go and fucking earn this, love by showing up by breaking my back, by killing myself by making myself exhausted or worse, if I feel invisible by hurting people and I'm never going to be worth anything. If you have that fucking mindset, it's fucking game over, guys, and that's what I'm learning in real-time at this moment with you because I feel like the only way I'm going to go to be the human being that I know I'm capable of being is a have to accept this like a have to accept that love is okay. I have to accept that forgiveness is okay. I have to accept that to our as to be human. We're gonna fuck up. We're gonna make mistakes even if you shot me in the face right now, I would forgive you and I would love you because I would say, wow, what the fuck happened to you that made you do that to me? And for me, I'm going to go, wow what the fuck happened to me that made me do that thing? And I'm going to forgive myself and I'm going to stop holding grudges and I'm going to stop beating people up because they're already beating themselves up enough, right?
We need more kindness in the world and I always tell you this idea that if you want to be a person who is kind of themselves and you have to be kind to yourself. And the truth is that being kind yourself isn't just showing up in the hardship, the yoga, and meditation, and that stuff like that shit can do that shit. The hard part is the fucking love, the hard part is love is acceptance, is to forgiveness, is the compassion, is the concern, is sympathy, is to human experiences, the tapping into the range of the full emotional scope of what it means to be who you are today because until you do that, nothing's going to fucking change and there are levels of this.
I'll tell you this, I've been stuck on level 1 for a long fucking time, like – even with all the other things, all the accolades in the world, all the stages means nothing because I've been stuck here missing out on this part of the human experience, that was so profound and beautiful and right here in front of me, the whole time until I had to come to the realization and the awakening of the power of it. And that is that my limiting belief has been that the only way I'm worthy of love is that, I have to earn it. And that today, my friend is no longer my limiting belief because I made a decision to change my identity, ready to come to the reality of the understanding of the truth that I can have love without having to earn it, and you can too.
You are allowed to have love, you are allowed to be in this experience, as a human being and make mistakes and not fucking destroy yourself. And the truth about this is you have not broken those broken pieces of you though, the only way you're going to get put back together, as you're going to have to fucking pick them up.
This idea of kintsugi be like – you've listened to the Think Unbroken podcast, you've heard, I don't know, 100 out of 100 guests, be like – when I ask them. What does it mean to you to be unbroken? They always say, kintsugi, and if you don't know what that means. It's the Japanese art of taking broken pieces, of ceramic and pottery, and putting them back together with gold.
And here's the thing about that, the broken pieces of us, those are experienced, those our pain or suffering or hurt, all the fucking shit we've been through, that's the broken pieces that's the shit that's on the ground.
We've got to pick that shit up and the only way that you put it back together, the only way that you put it back together as with gold and that gold is love, it's forgiveness, it's compassion, it's for looking at the scope of the human experience and just saying, I understand, I forgive you, I love you.
I am a person who is willing to be kind.
So you take those broken pieces, you put them back together with gold and that's how you become Unbroken and tell you all the time, what you think becomes what you speak, what you speak becomes your action, your action becomes your reality. And I've been sitting for years pushing further and deeper into what's next going to Michael 2.0, not understanding that the only way I was ever going to get there was to be to have the experience that I'm having right now. And that experiences recognizing and understanding that it is, okay to have love. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to swipe your credit card for it, you don't have to have sex for it, you don't have to do drugs for it, you don't have to get drunk for it, you don't have to bend who you are for it. You can have love, by existing, by being in this experience, by reciprocating it, by being of service, by showing up, by following your heart, by following your dreams, by saying you're sorry to yourself first. Hurt people hurt people, the truth is, if you're a human being and you've made it this far into this conversation today, chances are you've hurt, somebody. Can you pick up the phone and call them and say, I'm sorry? Can you forgive yourself for those actions for what you've done and who you've done it to? And in that, can you change? Can you elevate your standard? Can you change what you're willing to tolerate from yourself? And can you leverage love as the precursor and the catalyst for all of the greatness that is right here in front of you? Because you see my friend, I know this to be true and doing it in my heart today, like – love this thing that was denied, that was that stolen from us as children is something that we have to understand that we don't have to go and buy. We don't have to trade; we don't have to beg borrow or steal. It is here for you, but you have to change your thought, your identity associated created with it because if you're telling yourself, the only way I'm worthy of love is when I do terrible things, so people see me or I have to break people's hearts, right? Have to get drunk or high or bend who I am or change, who it is that I think I am because without doing so, no one's ever going to like me until you change your fucking mindset about that. Nothing in your life is going to be different.
So my challenge to you and I want you to say YES to answer these questions.
Say yes with me.
Are you worthy of love? Yes.
Do you deserve love without payment? Yes.
Can you give love to the world? Yes.
Is love in your future? Yes.
That's the truth, my friend.
You are worthy of it, but you must make a choice, you must make a decision.
And you see you have a choice here, it's very simple.
You can be broken and that can be your identity.
Or you can be unbroken and the choice is yours.