April 28, 2021

Overcoming the fear of being you | CPTSD Coach

In this episode, I talk about how you move through fear of becoming your true self.
Join the Think Unbroken Community Coaching Sessions at https://www.healtraumacoach.com
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In this episode, I talk about how you move through fear of becoming your true self.

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Read my book Think Unbroken for FREE at traumahealingbook.com

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Transcript

Hey, what's up my friends? I'm Michael Anthony author, speaker, coach, and an advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma, and you're listening or watching the Michael Unbroken podcast. 

Today, I'm going to talk about how you move through the fear of becoming your true self. I got a question the other day, and it really hit me hard because I recognize that so much of this healing journey is really about getting off this place in which, you can be okay with who it is that you are. How do you get to that place, though? That's the question, right? How do you move into being okay with yourself?

There are so many different ways that you can step into this and so many different avenues for discovering your true self. But ultimately, at the end of the day, it's about can you put your feet on the ground and be okay, with that person? Can you look in the mirror and be okay? and be good, and be happy, and be satisfied with that reflection? I think that you can. Actually, I know that you can and I believe that we all have the power and the ability, the capability to love ourselves. And that question always comes up, How do you love yourself? How do you work through traumatic experiences to get to the place where your sovereign within your own self? 

I don't know an easier way to do it than by doing it. You've probably heard me say this before, but the truth is, to get to the place in which you love yourself and your good despite the fear- as by moving through the fear- if you're going through it, is to keep going. Because on the other side of it, one day, you're going to wake up and you'll understand who you truly are. Now that takes time, and you heard me say it a million times to my patients, and this is my favorite word- because it takes patience to get there. 

In the meantime, it's about action - it's about trusting yourself. It's about following your intuition and your gut. It's about showing up for yourself every single day, and especially on the hard days because guess what? There's going to be hard days, there's going to be good days on different days. But ultimately at the end of it, all the question is, how do you move into being okay with who you are despite the fear to discover and understand your true self?

I think the easiest thing to think about is - have you defined who it is that you are? Have you actually taken a piece of paper and written down who it is- your wants, needs, interests, values, your personal motto, and your mission statement, your boundaries. Your success is the way that you move towards goals your victories. The things that you've done that you don't want to do ever again the things that you want to do because they make your life better. It's easy to get lost in this process if you don't have a road map if you don't have a direction if you haven't identified and gotten super, super clear about who it is that you are. Without knowing that first, then there's nowhere to go. Now you've heard me say this one a million times, you have to identify who you are. You have to identify your wants, needs, interests, and values. One of the things that I do with my coaching clients when we're deep into one-on-one coaching, is we identify these things because they are an absolute must because they are afraid, I’m working ultimately for who it is that you are. You have to think about this. When you really think about this for a moment, have you ever defined Who You Are? Have you ever taken a piece of paper and written it down? I am right here over my desk. If you're watching, you'll see this and if you're not, then then you can watch it on YouTube and you'll see this. Here's a piece of paper. If you can see this and it has 10, I am statements on it.  These I am statements, are part of the definitive guide that I use to move forward in my life.  To give you an example of one that comes up right here - I am a person that asked for help when they need it. How do I know if I'm being my true self? If I've never said that, I'm giving myself permission to ask for help. You have to be able to identify and understand exactly who you are to a tee. Now, the I am statements are powerful because they're binary. They're very much yes or no, you either are or you are not.

In life, we all understand that there are variables. There are so many things that we cannot account for that. We don't understand until we get to them. Now, the way that you navigate them when you get to that moment in which you're recognizing that you're facing a new situation, you have to understand that the way that you operate within that situation, should be based on the person that you are, not the person that you want to be. Not the person that you were, but the person that you are. By having these declarations in your life as the measurement for who you are now, you're always moving forward. You're always going to ebb and flow and change and grow. That's the nature of it. 

Every day are you showing up a thin tickly as the person that you are because the fear of true self comes in a couple of folds, right? One side is what I just talked about. You have not identified who it is that you are. So, you're fearful to be able to step into that place. If you had identified it, then you would just move forward. 

Right now, there's a very big discrepancy between being fearful and moving forward. As you're moving forward, it's always about the measurement of discovery. Am I learning? Am I growing in my changing in my healing? Does this feel authentic? Does this feel real - this identity. Because look, realistically, there's been values that I've had in my life when I go back and I look at them like, oh, actually, you know what, mmm, that one didn't suit me as well as these. So there's a little bit of experimentation also. Now, the other side of it is the in general fear of judgment from other people who were terrified to show up as who we are. The nose ring, the tattoos, the purple hair. You know, maybe you want to wear a suit every day, right? Maybe you're the high heels person? Maybe you want to wear a briefcase and a backpack or you know drive a certain car or be in a certain club or go do certain things but you're scared of what other people will say. It's reasonable. 

It is logical when we come from traumatic backgrounds, often the ramifications of showing up as our true self mean something painful. Something comfortable, something that hurts, something that's unkind, something that makes us want to know and not do. Whatever it was that we felt was an alignment with who we are again. It's negative reinforcement. So now as an adult or teenager, even if you're a kid listening to this right now, the truth is not the way that you move through fear. By moving through fear, you're going to have to do the things that you want to do that fill your truth with you. You're going to have to listen to your body. Listen to Your Heart, Right? 

Our brain is a great tool for helping us not be able to go and make decisions. What do I mean by that? It is a survival mechanism. Our brain is serving a single purpose- to keep us alive. Our brain knows in the past that when we tried something and then something bad happens it tells us to not do that again. That something bad could be showing up as the person that we felt was authentic. That something bad is some kind of ramification, humiliation, punishment, pain, right? Whatever that is. Now the brain goes on learned behavior. If I put a fork in this electric socket, then I'm going to get electrocuted. You put this equation together and the brain goes, when I show up as my authentic self and something bad happens, thus for survival- because I don't want to get embarrassed and kicked out of the tribe when this moment comes, I will not show up for myself. Mmm fear, right?

It's very logical. When you break it down to this very mathematical equation, it becomes very logical. Now you have a point of measurement, where you can look at these experiences and say, Okay, that makes sense- how I got to this place, where I'm scared, or fearful to show up as myself now. What do you do about it? 

Well, first and foremost, you have to measure. Do you understand who it is that you are? If you don't then step 1.) The baseline of all of this is to just sit inside of your body. Do things that fill in alignment with who it is that you want to be, who it is that you are, who it is, that you feel is you. YOU have to do those things. Even in fear, you have to do them because you're not going to know whether or not you're right until you have data to prove. Prove the hypothesis that the thing that you're doing is either an alignment with who you are or not. So you do the thing and even though you're fearful, you go do it anyway. 

This is where people get stuck. This is why people lie in bed instead of going to the dance class. This is why people don't go to the Jiu-Jitsu class. This is why people never start a business. This is why people don't ask the other person out on a date. This is why people don't quit their job or leave their shitty partner or travel the world or whatever it is because there's so scared. If you think about, if you pause and listen to your body, your soul, your gut, your heart, not your brain-because sometimes your brain is going to get in your way,  if you listen to what is intuitive in you, at that moment when you're thinking about what it is that you want to do- all of your answers are going to be right there. 

The next, you just simply move through it. You go and you do that thing again and again and again and again, and again until it becomes not only second nature until it feels natural, right? Change happens when we make change happen. Change happens when we become who we are. Thus, if you want to change, you must take action. You want to not be fearful of your true self. Then you're going to have to do some uncomfortable shit to get there. There is no other way around it. There is no simplified way where you're ever going to be you without doing the things that you have to do to be you. 

Finally,  and probably the easiest of these three is the measurement of -are you concerned with what other people think about you? If you are, then you have to ask yourself why other people should not dictate your life. Other people should not dictate your happiness or your future yourself. Love the way you feel about yourself when you're by yourself. Other people do not get a say in that, you've got to create sovereignty in your own life. If the measurement of fear that you have within yourself is that I am concerned that other people are going to judge me, then what you have to understand is that you're not moving authentically as you because you're hoping someone will give you permission. I hope that's helpful my friend.

Do me a favor, please like, subscribe, comment, share with a friend.

Until next time my friend,

Be Unbroken,

@Michael

Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.