Aug. 18, 2021

E100 Standing up for yourself against abusive people|CPTSD and Mental Health Podcast

In this episode, I talk about standing up for yourself when abusive, narcissistic, and toxic people try to steal your agency by walking over you. No one is allowed to take your value, worth, love, and power away from you, NO ONE! The truth is that one of the hardest things we do as trauma survivors is to hold true to our boundaries and our right to be shown respect. Whether the podcast, my coaching, or any other business, I do not allow people to belittle, demean, or put me down because my agency and mental health as a trauma survivor always comes first. Today, I will break down how to say no, stand up for yourself, and remove toxic people from your life. 

Also, Thank you for 100 episodes of The Think Unbroken Podcast! I am so excited for the next 100 and can’t wait to have you along for the ride. If you want me to discuss a certain topic or bring on a specific guest please let me know in the reviews!

Thank you so much for all of your support! 

Here’s to another 100 episodes!

For more information visit https://www.ThinkUnbrokenPodcast.com

Be Unbroken,

Michael


In this episode, I talk about standing up for yourself when abusive, narcissistic, and toxic people try to steal your agency by walking over you. No one is allowed to take your value, worth, love, and power away from you, NO ONE! The truth is that one of the hardest things we do as trauma survivors is to hold true to our boundaries and our right to be shown respect. Whether the podcast, my coaching, or any other business, I do not allow people to belittle, demean, or put me down because my agency and mental health as a trauma survivor always comes first. Today, I will break down how to say no, stand up for yourself, and remove toxic people from your life. 

Also, Thank you for 100 episodes of The Think Unbroken Podcast! I am so excited for the next 100 and can’t wait to have you along for the ride. If you want me to discuss a certain topic or bring on a specific guest please let me know in the reviews!

Thank you so much for all of your support! 

Here’s to another 100 episodes!

For more information visit https://www.ThinkUnbrokenPodcast.com

Be Unbroken,

Michael 





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Transcript

Hey! What's up, my friends! Hope that you are doing well, wherever you are in the world.

Today, I'm coming to you from my mobile recording studio here in the hotel in Las Vegas. I'm actually here for a conference for one of my businesses, and so I am in here over the last couple of days connecting with people working with folks and things of that nature.

It's interesting because today is episode number 100, officially as far as titled episodes are concerned, it's the show's actually a little bit beyond that and so we're actually technically if you look at the show I started before this one.

We're around 125 and iTunes says a hundred. So I'm going to celebrate a hundred episodes today.

So thank you for being here, the sound is a little bit different than the normal show. So I do apologize for that. I'm using a different quality mic here being mobile, this guy's actually super tiny.

So it's not as good as the one at home, but I hope that you'll bear with me.

You know, I always look at it like this, “No excuses, Just results” let's get it done.

You know, a lot of people talk to me about coming on to episode 100 and what I was going to do with it, how is going to celebrate it? But what the conversation topic would be, and to be honest with you, I thought I was going to sit down and make a compilation video and put together all the things, all the people have been talking about over the last couple of years on the show and, you know, make this big deal about it.

And I think eventually, I will, but not today, because something happened the other day that made me want to push back any, it made me want to push back the original game plan. Let me put it that way because something happened with, and I'm going to vast details, but here's the part where I'm going to get into.

 You are the person who controls the way that people talk, the way that people treat you, the way that people act upon you, and the way that basically how you put energy in the world is reciprocated back to you. And sometimes you're going to run across in a told you this many times in the past, people who want to use, you want to abuse you, who will be unkind to you, who will step through and make you question your values, or even put your values in question. And the thing that I was thinking about is, how do you align the choices and the decisions that you make in your life with your personal values?

Now, you guys know this because I shared all the time, my values are honesty, kindness, leadership, and self-actualization. So every decision I make, I try to filter through that value system. Why? Because then when people try to push me or take out against me, or even try to break down my values or insult me or belittle me, or whatever that thing is, that fills alignment out of alignment, excuse me, with who it is that I am. I'm able to go through my value system, and ask myself, Am I going to make the right decision by making sure that the choices I make are in alignment with those values? Of totally this before, if you make all of your decisions based on your values, you will never be wrong.

So recently, and I won't get into the details on it as I said, I had someone really pushing me like, in this way where I started to get upset, where I was like, okay, I'm going to work with this person, I need to know that I'm going to make the right choices and options to help make their life better and whatever capacity that is, that I am able to do, as I do. And what happened was this massive push back this challenging position where even though, I know what I'm doing, it was, how do I phrase this best. When I tried to explain concepts or teachings and this was in the business part of what I do, I was attacked, not literally, not physically, but verbally and emotionally. And I have a hard fast role in my life. I've shared this with you guys before you are not allowed to yell at me for this, and this was a high-paying client. The number one rule in my life because you're not allowed to yell at me, and in return, I'm not going to yell at you ever, it's going to do, that's not how I like to interact with people. Why? Because kindness is my value.

So, after the first time I said, hey, you know what? You're not allowed to yell at me. I will never have allowed you please be cognizant of that. Do not do it again, I put my foot down. I stood up for myself because guys this is what you have to do because if you don't then people will continue to step on you, you know, it's funny because people always say to me, well, sometimes I feel like a doormat, you're only a doormat, if you let people step on you, if you hold true to your values to your morals, to who it is that you are around your integrity, no one can ever step on you because that'll lead you to a place where you make a decision, to remove that person from your life and whatever capacity, they exist.

So I have the conversation. I say what I have to say not that long up the road, the happens again and immediately, immediately. I removed this client from my business. I said I will not work with you. I will never work with you again. You're not allowed to talk to me like that. You're not allowed to belittle me. You're not allowed to demean me. You're not allowed to say any of the things, that you just said then you can have all of your money back because I don't give a shit.

It is not worth it to me to sacrifice my integrity, my sanity, my peace of mind, my value, my self-worth for money. And I want you guys to hear this one should understand this. Don't ever sacrifice yourself to satiate somebody's desire to make you feel bad about who you are. Don't ever sacrifice yourself, your choices, your decisions, who it is that you are, don't ever do that. Because the moment that you do, you're taking away from yourself, you're putting yourself in this position when your back is against the wall, and we're slowly over time that same behavior pattern that you allowed is going to continue to manifest itself in other areas of your life and suddenly you're spiraling out of control, looking at your life saying; I don't have any control, I'm a doormat, people are walking all over me, I don't know how to show up for myself, I don't know how to put up boundaries, I don't know how to hold up to what it is that I believe that I am.

And this happens all of the time like I'm all about giving people chances. I'm all about this idea of forgiveness when earned, I'm all about the fact that I know people are going to make mistakes, but there's a fine line in relations and conflict in managing expectations of being in connection with each other, in which people are just being abusive. And that can be in your career, that can be in your business, that can be in your relationship, that could be in your family, that could be the guy on the bus, right? It can be literally anybody and they're going to push you and they're going to test you and they're going to see what you're made of so that they can find out the scope in which they're able to, and I want to say narcissistic because like a lot of people say that, but to take your agency, to be the person in control of you, because they have done or said things that you have allowed to happen. And so when I was like, okay, episode 100, I'm going to have this compilation where I have all these guests, and then this happened to me the other day. I knew I had to have this conversation with you today, and here's why, because you cannot let people take advantage of you, you have to put your foot down. We know inherently in our lives, what is right and what is wrong, as predetermined by us.

Now, you notice here. I did not say that I was measuring my values against your values or anyone else is. The only thing I'm ever thinking about is, what are the decisions I'm making for me in alignment, with who it is that I am, and that means that when people cross that border and they start to overstep their boundaries with me. It's not always hard, in fact, like I'm not always like okay bye forever like I don't think it works that way. I think that you can ruin a lot of things in that capacity, I have been guilty of doing that in the past. But instead, I like to make an evaluation, did I do what I needed to do at that moment to stand up for myself?

The answer is yes, and it happens again, then it's kind of dry. There are no questions asked him, going to remove that person from my life. Why? Because my well-being is way more important than appeasing someone else's there to be an ass, right? And it's true or just rude. Some people are mean, some people are uncouth, some people are very crass, I understand as I get it, everybody has but this is respect. You have to understand this, this is a respect issue. If someone is demeaning you, telling you you're not worth it, demanding you, that is a respect issue and I think about it like this, and I've used this analogy before but I want to use it again because this is happening in your life right now.

Somewhere in your life, you are allowing someone to disrespect you, to take advantage of you, to hurt you, physically mentally, somewhere along the lines, and they come to this, and I've used this.

If everyone walked in the door and when you walked in that door when the face and you do that again, who decided to walk through the door, how many times would you walk through the door or you stopped? And that's an easy analogy to wrap around visual, think about your walk through the door, but you had to open the door you through it and then hands again and again and again.

And at some point, this is us that you are literally just torturing yourself. You have caused self-inflicted punishment.

 

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want that. I don't want that for you, I don't want that for me, I don't want that for anyone. So what do you do about it? I've talked about boundaries a lot on this show, but the thing that I don't know that I've gone pin in that, I'm trying to convey now is the responsibility you have to stand up for yourself to say no, to say you're not going to talk to me like that, you're not going to treat me like that, I'm going to cancel the contract, I'm going to leave the relationship, I'm going to quit the job, I'm going to leave the house, I'm going to think, because someone is operator of your system and the more and the things that you've put in place like a human because you deserve, you deserted like a human being. And here's the truth about it. Don't tell people that stepping on you, now I understand that a big portion of this is like stepping into that place where you can have the conversation as (A) in dying and (B) we've often not had agency in our lives, and so made the decisions for ourselves is honestly one of the scariest, do not reinforce in this place of confidence in the choices that but my friend, I'm going to tell you this, the only with it and does that you make is to make choices and again and again and again and just self because on a long enough timeline, there's going to happen is it won't even turn anymore. The first time, it happens to do it, happens you will make a change.

This person moved from working with me, it was a customer and money into my company. Money, that was going to take care of all my employees, but my systems, the things I got to pay for that. It takes to do what I do not willing to sacrifice my integrity for that. Never under any fucking circumcised. Will I ever face my mind pretty, because I'm trying to build it. I spent too long trying to get to this place where I understood who I am, and there are people in your life who want to take them. You have to say, no, I'm not going to allow it, I don't care who you are, I don't care about your position, I don't care what you have left over me, I'm going to allow that. Thing up for yourself is one of the most difficult things that we do in this journey, we can, and you're coming from standing up for yourself, turns into violent, shame, ridicule judgment, right? And we learn to shut down, we learn to be small, we hide ourselves, why? Because it feels like people's safe.

My friend in this, you're not a child anymore and the truth is experienced that happened they have informed who you are today, but you have a choice in a decision to make as you move forward in your life to think about, you are the only person in control of what you do, nobody else. Say it yourself, you have to put your foot down, you have to up for yourself. If you have to do what it takes, which is all going to take your life back to be in control of your future to hold true, to your boundaries, you have to do it. I can't do it as well. Push them all the time, whether it's a business, or it's in trauma, or it's an, whatever that people ask me for their help.

I always say this first, I'm not going to change your life. And it simply shows you you can, and so think about that, you really carry this with you, don't want pick on you, don't let them step on you, don't let them stand on you, don't let them over you. People must respect you, they must respect you and they're not going to until you tell them to.

And you're going to remove them, the thing on earth more important than you stand for yourself. So I got fired, friends Unbroken Nation got fired up to its episode number 100 and I wanted to bring some real value.

I wanted to have this conversation with you so that you can understand a lot of the things that are happening that I talked to you about on the show that our guests talks about, that I coach talk about, speak about, these are the same thing I'm doing in my own life. Practice what I preach every fucking day because I believe that the number that we have to do in our life is put ourselves first to create massive change in the world.

I sat and I thought about what do I want this show to be like, how do I want people to didn't exist with it? And the truth is, I want you to have ownership.

Does this show. This is why I created this so that you can come and find tools that implement into your life, the way that these works are you implement them into your life immediately in the next hundred episodes and the next thousand episodes.

What is coming down the pike, is a lot of really beautiful content. I've had so many experts, come on this show that we have recorded that, we are scheduling that are coming out on the. I've got topics and things I've never gone into as a coach and as a share more my story, I'm going to share more of my Victory's, I'm going to share my feet with you, right? I'm getting towards in time. I hope is by the end of this year to have a Daily Show for you to listen to, that's quick like this, where it's your drive to work or it's your lunch break or you're at the gym, and so I do this show for you and I want you to know that I'm always here for you.

If you have reached out to me, there's a topic you want to discuss.

Reach out to me. I'm on every social media platform. I respond to it, it's me, it's not my team. I do all the social media here, right? You can email me at Michael@thinkunbroken.com anything you want to talk about and I want to know what you think about the show. I want to know what you think about the hundred episodes out to look like.

I'm just getting started for here Unbroken Nation, and I'm super excited about the future, not only me, but for you, and for everyone because I mention my goal in life is to end generational trauma in my time and my friends together, we can make this happen.

So my friend, put your feet on the ground. Stand up for yourself. It's fucking door format.

And please do me a favor listen to the episodes and I can't wait for the next 100.

Please go to iTunes and leave the show if you're listening on iTunes right now.

All you have to do is go down a little review, get the five-hit back and one.

I'm sorry. If you hate the show. I don't care.

Just leave a message because I read them, and they are beautiful reminders of why my chest so much time in this.

So, as usual friends.

Thank you so much for being here, Unbroken Nation.

Please like, subscribe, share.

And tell a friend.

Until next time.

My friend, Be Unbroken.

-I'll see you.

 

 

Michael Unbroken

Coach

Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.