Unlocking True Healing: Transformative Journeys from Trauma to Self-Love

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[SPEAKER_03]: You're listening to the Think Unbroken Podcast and I'm your host, Michael and Broken.

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[SPEAKER_03]: I'm an author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse.

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[SPEAKER_03]: In this podcast, you will learn how to transform your trauma in the triumph, turn breakdowns into breakthroughs, and go from victim to being the hero of your own story.

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[SPEAKER_03]: You can learn more at Think UnbrokenPonCast.com and of course, check us out on Apple Podcasts and Spotify at Think Unbroken Podcast.

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[SPEAKER_03]: One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the last 14 years of my healing journey, almost 14 years, which is incredible, is to think about my thoughts and to just take a step back and be like, why does this person do this to me?

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[SPEAKER_03]: And if you're not willing to do that, like you can't be helped.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And I know that's so hard for people to hear.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And I've interviewed incredible human beings, both Mel and Females, who have been on this show, who have left abusive relationships.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And they always acknowledge their responsibility.

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[SPEAKER_03]: What did it really take to you?

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[SPEAKER_03]: What did it really take for you to get to that place where you could acknowledge your role in this?

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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so it actually was another rock bottom in the form of COVID where my greatest fear came true.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And that was I was forced to be alone with myself.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And at the time, and that was terrifying, especially when all of the distractions that I was using to avoid and escape myself because I was still carrying a tremendous amount of trauma

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[SPEAKER_02]: were removed and I really realized like, oh, and it was then that I recognized that the most toxic relationship of all was not the relationship with the then abuse of now ex husband.

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[SPEAKER_02]: It was the relationship with myself.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And it wasn't recognizing that the relationship with myself is not only the most important relationship that there is, but that every relationship in your life is just a mirror of that that I really allowed myself to recognize the patterns that I was still living.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And allowed me to recognize all the coping mechanisms I had developed to avoid the trauma that I was still holding onto.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And that's really when I began I would say they're real healing journey because before that I thought I could just think my way out I thought I could use mindset and personal development to just like high vibe my way through the trauma and like avoid the part where you like actually like feel Yeah, no, that doesn't work like hello and toxic positivity that was me.

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[SPEAKER_02]: I was like the high vibe check

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[SPEAKER_02]: and it was incredibly toxic.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And meanwhile, I had substance abuse problems.

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[SPEAKER_02]: I was using drugs.

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[SPEAKER_02]: I was basically snorting at or all every single morning and a pharmaceutical crackhead because I could just be more productive and I could do more and if I could do more than maybe I could finally feel like I was enough.

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[SPEAKER_02]: And I had addiction to exercising and I was always doing more and it was still never enough and eating disorders and all the things.

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[SPEAKER_02]: I drank a lot of dumb bitch juice and dumb bitch juice is the metaphorical concoction of using things outside of yourself to change how you feel inside.

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[SPEAKER_02]: and it wasn't until I allowed myself to just pause and COVID was that pause and to stop running and hiding from myself and allow myself to have the courage to like pick beneath the covers of what I was really hiding from and see all that was still there, see the trauma, see the parts of myself that were carrying so much shame and pain and tracing that back all the way to

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[SPEAKER_02]: that I actually began the real healing and reconnecting with my body and using somatic practices and real like true deep healing tools that I was able to actually start to experience the internal shifts that were necessary to change my external reality.

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[SPEAKER_02]: and it was within transforming the relationship with myself that my life began to transform and are true genuine way.

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[SPEAKER_02]: Not just like, oh, it looks good on the outside again, but inside I still feel like I'm not enough.

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[SPEAKER_02]: I still feel all this pain and shame, but I actually began to experience love and compassion and inner peace.

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[SPEAKER_02]: and to not have panic attacks every single day, and it was a different experience in life, but it wasn't until I began to do that deep, deep, and or hate like work.

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[SPEAKER_03]: the implications of what it means to be raised in household with love, without feelings, without affection, with this is the way that you act and this is how you should be and the impact of that in our adulthood.

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[SPEAKER_03]: Because we're ultimately always going to be with some total of all of our experiences, right?

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[SPEAKER_03]: So everything that we bear witness to in childhood, it gets ingrained in us, right?

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[SPEAKER_03]: It gets implemented in us, we pay attention to it,

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[SPEAKER_03]: We feel whether it's good or bad to decide that that is the way that we should behave in the world.

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[SPEAKER_03]: So to have your feelings turned off, to be in masculine energy, which probably have you to find here in a second as well.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And to also be pushing towards high achievement, while you would look at those things in childhood and think, these are great.

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[SPEAKER_03]: This is how you navigate the world.

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[SPEAKER_03]: It's like, but in adulthood, and especially when seeking,

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[SPEAKER_03]: A relationship and love and compassion, like it's actually a giant magnet of the polar opposite of just pushes everybody away.

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[SPEAKER_03]: I'm so curious, like as you were, as you were in this and you're like starting to notice, was, was there a moment?

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[SPEAKER_03]: Because I think this is what happens for a lot of people.

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[SPEAKER_03]: This is what happened for me in dating, too.

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[SPEAKER_03]: There was a moment where I sat and I realized, I was like, oh, the reason this isn't working is because of me.

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[SPEAKER_03]: right and it was like just so abundantly clear and that takes a lot of guts first and foremost I think you got to have some courage to look in the mirror was there a specific moment for you where you're like wait a second I'm the problem.

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[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, absolutely.

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[SPEAKER_04]: So my transformation point was I think when I was having all these hard-breaking experiences, mentally now, ghosting, you know, things aren't working out, just like guys wanting to just take me to bed, you know, not wanting to get to know me as a person.

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[SPEAKER_04]: I just said, you know, men are intimidated, men are intimidated by my brains, men are intimidated by my success, men are intimidated because I have an opinion.

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[SPEAKER_04]: It was my narrative to protect myself.

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[SPEAKER_04]: It was my narrative to not look deep within myself because when we put the problem on the other side, at least we can absolve ourselves of personal responsibility.

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[SPEAKER_04]: But if he was when I met a man who was far more successful than I was, and you know, he was a lawyer from New York, and there was like electric physical attraction, and he treated me so well, and everything was going great.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And then two months down the connection, his efforts started to dwindle, like, stop cheering from him.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And of course, my feminine intuition said if he's not messaging,

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[SPEAKER_04]: equally masculine minds German girlfriends who when I come on text him he just wants to hear from you and trigger what the problem is and solve the problem and you don't take it ahead.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And so I remember messaging you and saying hey he's everything okay I have a nerd from you and him going you know you're so lovely you're so attractive I like you so much you just don't feel it like I just feel like our connection is not deepening you know and so I don't think it's working and I think that was my moment of

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[SPEAKER_04]: you know, pure hot break.

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[SPEAKER_04]: I think I went into like this angry, bitter energy from like two hours that evening where I was like, you know, all men are like this and I hit guys, I'm gonna like just get super successful and I don't need a man and I'm not gonna like even look at this aspect of my life.

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[SPEAKER_04]: It's not working.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And then I woke up the next morning and

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[SPEAKER_04]: And don't give up on love because I think love is that thing in life that really brings us to our needs and we feel extremely vulnerable in love.

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[SPEAKER_04]: I think success is so much easier to achieve because you can push through and control so much more than you can in love because in love there is another party involved and they may or may not want to be with you, they may or may not like you.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And that involves rejection and rejection and involves vulnerability and we all resist vulnerability.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And so that was the day when I woke up and I was like, no, you know, I'm not going to give up on love.

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[SPEAKER_04]: I know I have a very good heart and I know the man who's going to really get to experience the real Sammy is going to be so lucky.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm going to work for that.

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[SPEAKER_04]: I'm going to work to bring out that Rio Sami.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And of course, it was a journey because the men I was attracting before I did in a work and before I reached a day, I called my sixth step, love, success, spring, worked.

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[SPEAKER_04]: You know?

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[SPEAKER_04]: Today, I'd call it that, but back then, you know, I understood that I was just showing up with a mask ending, you know, I had a mask on and I had walls up and nobody could really experience the real Sammy.

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[SPEAKER_04]: It was just

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[SPEAKER_04]: It was just like the strong, successful facade.

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[SPEAKER_04]: It was the impression I wanted to give men.

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[SPEAKER_04]: And so the work involved, you know, putting that mask down and letting the man in front of me see the true mean, even at the child's uncomfortable, even at the felt scary, even if it brought up fears of judgment and rejection.

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[SPEAKER_03]: I want to narrow that in because I think it's important because a lot of people have coached thousands of people over the years and I'll coach anybody at any time for ten minutes for free.

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[SPEAKER_03]: I always have I always will.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And that's people reaching on us for help because at least here and with what we've been able to create it thinking broken like that's accessible.

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[SPEAKER_03]: Most people don't feel like they have access to anything or any one.

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[SPEAKER_03]: But there's always someone, like, what role does courage play in that moment?

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[SPEAKER_01]: If any.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it plays a huge role because so many people, if you've lived in isolation, or if you've never really sat with rejection before, like really allowed yourself to orient to rejection, and you live your life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: constantly trying to run away from rejection because it feels like it could potentially kill you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It feels really unsafe to be potentially rejected by someone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like we're looking at a nervous system, you know, looking at from a nervous system lens, we are humans who are wired for connection.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And especially if you experience trauma as a kid and a lot of that trauma came relationally between a parent who wasn't able to love you unconditionally or a care taker of some sort if you didn't appearance that weren't able to love you unconditionally.

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[SPEAKER_01]: someone potentially rejecting you if you reach out for help can trigger that relational rupture of you feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm not loved unconditionally.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Nobody loves me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I am alone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I have to do this alone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I've noticed in my practice is people won't reach out for help because it doesn't feel safe.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So, and the reality is that when you reach out and you use your voice, you allow someone else to step into that space.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But you have to start thinking differently and feeling differently into that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because it is, it can oftentimes be rooted in trauma.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If it's hard for you to ask for help, chances are, there is some sort of relational pattern that's making its way in to your current situation where your nervous system is saying, if I reach out for help, and I potentially rejected, it means death, and that's why people don't reach out for help, it's because their nervous system is pinging survival.

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[SPEAKER_03]: You know you're not taking care of your health.

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[SPEAKER_03]: So the point that you're sick, you know you're in shitty friendships to the point that you're being taken advantage of.

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[SPEAKER_03]: The actual question that I've come to find becomes the kind of the marker for the shift in life is how long are you going to put up with it?

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[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And how long are you going to wait until you take action?

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[SPEAKER_03]: Where was the intersection here between the affirmation and the self-to-love and the action required?

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[SPEAKER_03]: How do people actually take those steps?

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[SPEAKER_03]: How do they actually create action, build momentum, and have transformation?

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[SPEAKER_00]: One of the biggest things that has helped me is training my brains to see the good and everything.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, nobody is perfect.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We all go through shit.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We all go through trauma.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I can sit here and, in self-pity and tell you, and cry about how my ex has been Muslim and the beauty.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They're how he abused me emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But at the end of the day, I chose to find good in that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If I always say, when you want something, it doesn't come to you on a gold platter.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It comes to you in the form of challenges and as toxic and as unhealthy, the marriage and the whole relationship was.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't change it for the world but I wouldn't go back and I say that because I grew up in a household where my parents were born and raised in Poland and then they came to the states when they were around 18 years old and they figured it out and then they had my brother and I.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and they did everything that they could to provide for our family and in the physical.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But when it came to communication, emotions, all of that was completely non-existent.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I was an emotional being.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know how to communicate.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I had anger issues all.

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[SPEAKER_00]: all of it, you name it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then when I was telling myself, I was like, God, I want to be more emotionally stable and I want to communicate better.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And when I said that, I was introduced to my ex husband at 20 years old.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And he completely tore me apart.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't until

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[SPEAKER_00]: about a year of being with him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I knew I wasn't supposed to be getting married to him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I knew I wasn't supposed to be moving in with him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I knew I wasn't supposed to be with him for the long term, but eventually I learned that he was the answer to my prayers because he was

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[SPEAKER_00]: ripping me apart so I had the opportunity to rebuild myself and when I started to be grateful for that I always encourage people be grateful for everything because you will not be given anything that you can't handle

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[SPEAKER_00]: And don't be surprised if you ask for flowers and you get rain because you can't have flowers without rain.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And that was the same thing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't learn how to control my emotions.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If my ex husband didn't completely blow up my emotions every day.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't learn how to be mentally resilient.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If he didn't try to manipulate me every day into thinking I'm a terrible

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[SPEAKER_00]: and being grateful for those challenges.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I know it can be hard to look in the moment and say, this shit sucks, but one day I'm gonna be grateful for it because you should be thankful that you're not where you used to be.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I always tell people, be grateful you're not where you used to be because the future is brighter if you choose to view it that way.

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[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you so much for listening to Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_03]: Please share this episode with someone who could use it and help us move forward in our mission of ending generational trauma in our lifetime.

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[SPEAKER_03]: If you would, please take five seconds to pop on iTunes or Spotify, hit that five star, leave a review, and you can also reach out to us on social, at Michael Unbroken or at Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_03]: And of course, you can check out our YouTube channel at Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you for being a part of Unbroken Nation, my friends, and until next time, be Unbroken.