Heal Your Inner Child and Abandonment Wounds | with Jen Peters

Michael Unbroken: One of the things that we have to deal with that until you deal with it, shapes who you are is healing your inner child and the relationship that you have with yourself and others.

Part of it is dealing with inhaling the wounds of abandonment, which I can speak from my firsthand experience have impacted me dramatically.

There's the aspect of looking at, well, how do you step into being emotionally capable? How do you actually become someone who cares about themselves? And in a world where people talk about healing your inner child in a lot of ways with a lot of bullshit that doesn't actually serve you, how do we talk about it in a practical way that will change your life? Well, we're gonna do that today with my guest, Jen Peters. Jen, my friend, thank you so much for being here. 

Jen Peters: Thank you so much for having me. 

Michael Unbroken: So I wanna dive right in because I think that so many people need to understand first kind of a frame. Let's talk about this. What does it mean to actually heal your inner child? What does that mean? Because all we hear right now, it's like the new hot topic. I mean, hell, I even wrote a book about it three years ago. But I'm curious from your perspective, like what does that actually mean? 

Jen Peters: So great question. Thank you. So to me, healing her in a child is about going back again and again and again through different lenses, through different wounds, and we need to see them and we need to hear them. So we need to actually give them a voice. Because part of the problem when they were small is that they, they weren't seen, they weren't given a voice, they weren't understood. And so we need to give that to them. Something that I also like to do with my inner child healings is I also like to look at what beliefs they've formed because of those specific wounds and what patterns have they formed, and we address those two.

And so if we can go in honestly over, I don't mean to put people off, but it does take a long time to heal, honestly. And so we just go again, again and again doing the same types of things. And when we can see them and validate them and give them a voice and all of those beautiful things, their pain often dissolves and that's what I like to do, in my own journey. 

Michael Unbroken: One of the things that I've kind of baird witness to, especially when I was in my early part of the journey, was I thought that giving the inner child a voice meant doing what the inner child wanted to do. And it would get me in trouble. Like, not necessarily in this way where I'm getting arrested or crazy shit like that, but it'd be like these really poor decisions that would happen where I'd be like, oh, but I thought I was honoring my inner child who was like, get stoned and play video games and don't go to work today. Right. And then, through the journey, I realized like, wait a second, the giving of the voice is that it's about being heard and being seen and acknowledgement.

But you wouldn't let an inner child drive your car, right? You wouldn't let a child like drive your car. So why are you letting it drive your life? And I think that's an area that people get conflated. So how do you look at it? Like when you talk about giving this voice to this part of you that's real and look to say it's not real is stupid because we are the sum total of all of our experiences. So everything that's ever happened to us, it leads to this moment. Right? And so that inner child, whether you like it or not, is there. So how do you give it the voice but not let it drive the car? 

Jen Peters: I love that and thank you for raising that 'cause I've seen that a lot as well. So for me, giving your inner child a voice is about actually reconnecting with your inner child. And I'm happy to talk to you at some point around, uh, an easy way of doing that if you'd like me to. But reconnecting with our inner child, and first of all, we notice how are they feeling because they are gonna be feeling some kind of way we look at, um, perhaps what are they thinking? And then we go in and we actually connect with them directly.

And what I have found is that when we actually reflect their words back to them, I know that you're feeling sad and alone, but I am here now that helps them be seen. When we use their specific words in terms of giving them a voice, we ask them, what is it that you need me to know? What do you wanna say right now? What did you need and didn't get? And they won't always answer you, but they usually do. And for me, I find that if we mirror back their words and using their specific words and giving them the reassurance that they need, you can visibly see them ah, because they've been seen, they've been heard, they've been understood and acknowledged.

And not all the time, but a lot of the time, that is all that they need. I must say in my work, we go a lot deeper than that, that's pretty surface level, honestly. But that part is an integral part of the process for them to be seen, heard, and understood. And they stopped kicking off at that point because they've been seen, heard, and understood.

Michael Unbroken: What do you say to the people who kind of think, this is silly, right? There's been times where I've run into, and even my opinion of it in the beginning when I was young and naive, is I'd be like, inner child. Like, what are you talking about? This is stupid. This is weird. What are you doing? What are your thoughts about that? I think there's a huge wall in the way of many people to even like allow this conversation to happen with themselves. 

Jen Peters: I think it's a real shame, honestly, because I have definitely found that when we can reconnect with a inner a child and meet their needs and to heal the wounds that they have, we unlock another layer of ourselves again and again and again, um, through this work.

So it is a real shame. So perhaps it is about making them feel a little bit more comfortable about doing it. They don't need to do it with other people necessarily. Perhaps they can do it in private so they don't feel so silly. But the fact is, is that 95% of what we do is coming from our subconscious, and a lot of that is from our inner child experiences. And so that's happening without us even being aware of what we are doing. You speak about driving a car? Actually, a lot of us are children driving our cars, our relationships, and everything else. 

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. And it's interesting because as they say, what you resist persists, and I think that for me, a huge shift in my life was being able to sit in that reality and say, Hey, no, this is true. This part of you is like a part of you. You can't avoid this. Jen, we're gonna go deeper into a lot of the constructive parts of this process, but for people who are curious, tell us more about your background. How did you walk this path? What has led you to doing this work? What are your credentials? And most importantly, why are you doing this? 

Jen Peters: Thank you. So, my background, like a lot of us, I've had a pretty challenging path, honestly. In fact, I do remember when I was when I first started working with a healer. At that point, I didn't actually know what a healer was, but I remember a part of one of the exercises I was doing was running a chronology of what had happened from day one up until that point.

And I remember getting to 20 years old and just stopping. I had to stop. I just thought, how on earth could somebody go through the things that I have gone through and still be okay and be sane? Like I remember asking my healer at the time, am I sane or is everybody just being nice to me and not telling me that there's something wrong with me? You know, because I couldn't believe that when I'd seen it on paper, you know, that somebody could be okay after being going through these things. So, I guess my journey on this path really started being adopted my natural mother was 15 at the time when she was pregnant, most of my pregnancy, so obviously too young, and for most people to be having a child and she was certainly too young.

So for me, there was the abandonment wound before I even began. There was also, I do a lot of work and I've gone back on myself and there was things like not good enough, unworthy, unlovable. My own mother doesn't love me enough to keep me being unwanted, that was a really big one for me shame, carrying deep, deep shame.

I remember, even as a 6-year-old feeling like I had a dirty secret, like, and I just couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. And it dawned on me. In fact, when I was writing my book, the Dirty Secret was me because I had been being marinated, if you like, within my mother for nearly what, 40 weeks or however long it was, and the deep shame and the dirty secret that she felt she was carrying, I had absorbed that too. So that was my start my father was a very angry man. He would've been violent except that he couldn't catch us most of the time. We were much faster at running. So I never felt safe in my body from day one. And I remember, I remember being very, very small and just craving sugar. Obviously, now I under that the craving of sugar is about soothing because of the fact that I just never felt safe by seven years old, my cousin molested me. And by 12 years old, I had started working actually as a hedge in a salon, shampooing hair and stuff on the weekends because we just had no money.

So I started doing that and I remember my mum telling me at 12 years old, I was going to need to be financially responsible for myself at that point, apart from school. And she would obviously feed me, but anything else I wanted that was on me. And then by about sort of, I remember being just desperately wanting to be loved by a man because my father was so angry. And I remember even as a teenager, recognizing that connection. And by 15 I was seeing a young guy and he and his older friend raped me. And by 16 I ended up being gang raped by a group of three young men, drugged and gang raped for about three or four months. So that really kind of set me on quite a path and really just completely annihilated any sort of self-esteem that I had in my early twenties, I actually, I bought a salon when I was 21, and that really was my passion and that was an interesting time as well, but ended up meeting my ex-husband who was narcissistic and I didn't even know what narcissism was at that point. I was, of course, severely codependent, as you'll probably know.

Usually we have a narcissistic person and a codependent person, or at least the patterning as the usual pairing. So we were married for 14 years and there was a lot of infidelity. There was a lot of drugs. I got to the point where actually I could only cope with that and it was just very, very, very toxic.

But by the time our relationship ended, our marriage ended, I was recommended to a healer, and I didn't even know what healer was at that point. And I can tell you though, that very first session completely changed my trajectory. I remember it as clear as day. It really changed the direction that the rest of my life went in.

And from that day, I've been absolutely devouted to my healing journey. And then it wasn't too far along that I just knew I need to help other people feel like this. Like the contrast between feeling like you are in survival mode versus, the peace, the actual inner peace I felt was like night and day. I'd never experienced that before. And I thought other people need to know that this exists. And that's really what started me on this path of helping others. 

Michael Unbroken: I think a lot about turning your pain into and turning your worst moments and all of your suffering and all your trauma and turning it into something else. And that's this idea and this process of alchemy where you're sitting in the worst parts of you and you're using it to change. And it's so difficult because when you're in the process and you're making these decisions, at least it was for me, I constantly would be in battle with myself about who it is that I want to be, how I want to show up. And everything we do, it's always informed by the past. And so I think about the massively destructive behaviors that we can have as people and there's two camps of thought I think on this camp. One is it destructive if it's not hurting anyone? Right. And that, I think that's a place where a lot of people live.

And then there's the, is it destructive? 'cause it's not hurting me. Right? And then we have to look at it and define the behaviors and the things that we're doing. But it's so difficult because if you grow up in a space where you are shown while love is yelling and screaming and fighting and hitting and narcissism, whether or not that's true, I don't know, whatever those things are, you go, okay, cool. That's normalized. That's okay. And if you go up in a home where there's drugs and alcohol and infidelity and pain and suffering and lack of worth and judgment and shame and guilt, you go, okay, that's okay. And then you step into these behavioral patterns and you do things. You even said like, I had to be high to cope. You're like. Part of it, I think is at least for me, I'm speaking myself part of that beyond that for me, wasn't just coping, it was just normalize. I get high, right? I get drunk. I hook up, I make money. That's all I do. That's who I am. And I used to always tell people, if you don't like me, that's your problem, because I'm not changing for you.

And I think one of the most dangerous things that you can do is that. But inevitably, that moment of transition can exist for you if you're willing to allow it, right? So many people, they resist they maybe go to the coach or go to the healer or go to the therapist or listen to podcasts like this, and they resist it because the destructive behaviors have become so normalized.

How did you move through this to like, especially around the thoughts and behaviors, how did you shift your own patterning? Because that's the place where I think most people get stuck. They hear the podcast, they go, yeah, I got it. Sure. Do these things, whatever, but there's always still that resistance.

So with all of the background and all of the parts that are built into you that says this is who Jen is and who she's supposed to be, how do you shift that narrative and allow yourself to become this different version of you? 

Jen Peters: That's a really great question. In my experience, and this is where healing or energetic healing does differ slightly from a more traditional approach. And of course every healer is gonna do it differently. But with the energetic healing, we are able to go in to the actual core wound and we're able to use energetics to actually dissolve it. And I know that sounds a little kind of like, too good to be true, but you actually can, I know that's exactly what I do with, within my work, that's why I share this work in my book and in my membership and so on, because I want it more available. And the difference is when we are able to go into that in a child. So we would you like me to tell you a little bit about what we do there so you, so that your people can understand or it might make a little sense.

Michael Unbroken: I mean, dive in because of, I know that where people get stuck is in the practicality of it all. 

Jen Peters: We first wanna see and hear the inner child as we spoke about before, reconnecting with the inner child. But when we're able to also identify what beliefs they have and what patterns they have, because those are the patterns that we now struggle with in adulthood, right? When we reflect those beliefs and patterns back to them and let them know that they don't need to do that anymore, they don't need to self abandon, they don't need to get high, they don't need to do whatever it is that they're doing anymore because you are here. And we will bring in energetic healing, like different, different energies to actually help dissolve that.

So I do write about that more in my book. So that is available for your people. And I've got a free, uh, a free PDF copy for them if they would like to take a peek at that. I would say though, if you were not using that kind of approach. When you are falling into those patterns, I would be reminding myself that that is actually a pattern that a wounded part of me, not a shameful part or broken part, but just a wounded part of me actually developed to survive at some point.

And I would notice whereabouts my body am I feeling that emotional charge. And then I would address that part and, and basically say, you don't need to do X, Y, Z anymore. I am here now and I'm taking care of you, or whatever the reassurance needs to be. But it's remembering that that pattern is actually coming from an in a child who's still hurting.

Michael Unbroken: So in this, so looking at this, and I mean obviously that makes sense to me, but I feel like, you know, one of the big things that we have to look at here is self abandonment, right? Because where I'm trying to lead this is to understand, 'cause I know it's a big part of your work, is how do we move past that? Because holy sh*t, abandonment issues. Right. I mean, obviously for myself, huge part of my life and something I still deal with today, something I'm still as TD Jake says, new levels, new devils. As I progress further in this work, things pop up and I'm like, oh sh*t. Gotta look at that now. And it's very normative for people who dealt with neglect for people who dealt with being adopted, people who dealt with drug addict, alcoholic parents.

You know, you get to that ACE score being 4, 5, 6 plus abandonment's a huge part of it. Trust issues, huge part of it, not believing in yourself and other people actually care about you, huge part of it. Right? Not caring about yourself. And so it's like, okay, with all these structures, I know that people. And I love that about people, but they won't finish. And I think a huge part of that is because of self abandoning. And I think a huge part of that is just feeling like that again as a part of the normative structure. So looking at this, how do you walk that path? Like how do we take the abandonment pieces of us understand those and then allow those to exist and heal them and overcome them so that we can change our beliefs and patterns about abandonment. 

Jen Peters: So, and I agree, abandonment is the most common wound I see. In fact, I don't, I've seen at least 3000 people and I don't think I've seen anybody that does not have some degree of an abandonment wound. I would actually be addressing the actual abandoned in a child when we heal the abandoned in a child that because we do have, I believe that we have many different inner children actually carrying slightly different variations of wounds. But when we heal the abandoned in a child, then the patterns subside as well.

So, now in terms, what we can do if we are not using an energetic approach would be looking at where we are abandoning ourselves, just asking yourself where, what do I do in conflict? What do I do at work? What do I do when there is an issue? I don't know whatever the issue might be, but looking in the different, different areas and noticing what your specific patterns are and just actually starting to reparent yourself in those areas, especially we've had abandonment or neglect, it is actually starting to give ourselves what it is that we're trying to get from other people or get through other means. Starting to give ourselves those things. 

Michael Unbroken: Okay, so what does that look like? Like what are some examples of things we need to give ourselves? What are some examples of things that maybe are just coping the mechanisms that we think are things that we need? 

Jen Peters: So, things like if we are self-abandoning, maybe it's that we're overgiving, or standing on our head to prove ourselves before we offer to do something or offer to give or offer to give up other people our time. We just pause and we ask ourselves, actually, do I have the bandwidth to do this? Do I even want to do this? Like, is this something I've got the time or energy for? And if it's a no, then you don't do it. We start to actually reign that over giving back in, it might be things like, um, you know, standing on our head to prove ourselves.

So we notice where do we do that? When do I do that? And we start to bring that back into alignment. It definitely is awareness, but awareness in itself, I don't, we need the awareness, but we also need to have that desire to take that action if we are not going to do that deeper, deeper in a child work. If we can do that deeper in a child work, then it takes, in my experience, we actually. There's not a lot of effort to step outta those patterns because in most cases, the patterns literally dissolve. So, but that is using an energetic approach. 

Michael Unbroken: So as somebody's working with you and they're walking down this, this energetic approach, like what is transpiring, like, what are the things that you're walking them through to help them navigate this?

Jen Peters: Yeah, so we are looking at what is coming up now in their adult life? Like where are the big problems that are coming up? What are the big struggles that they're having right now? And each of those struggles or dysfunctional patterns, they will come back to a younger, wounded version of them. Not always a child, but mostly, but even if it's an adult, you still deal with it the same way.

And we would address each theme of trauma. And when I say address, I mean go into the subconscious mind, connect with those wounded parts, find out what they need, find out what they need to say, give them what it is that they need, and then bring the energetic healing in to actually dissolve those beliefs and patterns, and what typically happens is that whatever it is that we were working on, and it may have been causing them to self abandon, although that is a big, big one. So that would take several sessions, but whatever it is that we were working on will no long, it will either lose its emotional charge completely, or there might be a few threads there, but it's easy to step out of whereas beforehand when a particular event happened, we would have that emotional charge and we would be reacting however we would normally react. It would be very difficult for us not to. So we unravel the patterns that way. 

Michael Unbroken: Do you find that people struggle with even being able to name where this starts for them? You know, because I think that a, a big part is like, I don't know that necessarily, and I know that this was true for me. I didn't know, quote unquote, what was wrong with me. I would just be looking at my life. I'm like, why do I keep f*cking this up? Like, you know, it would be literally any, why am I f*cking up, relationships, money, my health? Like why am I smoking? You know what I mean? I see people smoking cigarettes and I'm so glad I quit, like over a dec well, almost 15 years ago. But I look at that, I go. What the f*ck is wrong with you? You're smoking, you're drinking, you're partying, you can't take care of yourself, you're overweight.

And I just couldn't figure it out. I was just like, I don't know. Right. And that's kind of maybe the space where victimhood can live, because I know that was certainly true for me, but I'm curious, how do you help people just kind of name this to start? 'cause how do you fix what you can't name? So do you find that people struggle with that, where they're just like, I don't know. 

Jen Peters: Yeah, so I actually like what you're saying is so true. So many of my clients come to me and they'll say, I don't remember my childhood which, you know, is probably because of dissociated, you know, they were probably out of their body, that's probably why they don't remember it. But with the approach that I use, we don't need to remember it. So whatever that behavior is, say the smoking, the drinking, the getting high, particularly the drinking, the getting high. It's telling us that there's a part of us that's hurting.

Actually, in fact, I remember when I was in that stage myself, I remember just actually saying I wanted to feel like I'd been hit by a freight train. You know, those raw signals that there is some stuff going on underneath, but what we do is we look at what keeps on happening in your adult life.

Say it is, I need to have a drink. I can't not have a drink, or I keep on lying to my partner, or I keep on whatever it is that we might be doing. So what I would do is I'll get them to think about a particular time where this has actually happened as an adult, not as a child, but as an adult, they'll think about that time.

Of course, there'll be an emotional charge that comes up with that. It's not anything huge, but it's enough for them to feel it. We look at the part of the body it's sitting in, then we look at what emotions are sitting in there. And then from there we connect straight through and it will take us like a little portal straight to the inner child who is still hurting and is directly related to this particular wound in this particular set of patterns that when we wanna see them, like how are they feeling? What do they wanna say? And we go through there and we look at the beliefs, the patterns will be exactly what's happening now in adulthood. So that way you don't need to remember, you don't need to remember at all. You do. In fact, I find that it doesn't work quite so effectively. If we go directly to an event that we remember from childhood. It's better to look at how that's playing out now in adulthood. It's like a little portal, little doorway that's gonna take us straight into your subconscious mind to where we need to go. 

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And I agree with you. I often tell my clients, we don't need to talk about the past to change your future. We need to understand why you're doing what you're doing, why you behave, how you behave, why you see the world, the way you see the world, and then create a shift in it, right? Because ultimately, that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to interrupt the current you so that you have the ability to become the you that you're capable of becoming, and it's hard. I mean, it's not like you can just sit down and have a conversation. Your f*cking life's gonna be different, there's a ton of work ahead of you. And that's one of the things that's especially I'll even dare say call it disheartening because it's like, hey, I went to coaching nine times. I've been going to therapy for two years. I read 36 books. 

Jen Peters: Yeah. 

Michael Unbroken: And it's like, I have this weird idea in my head personally that, hey, this is just as cliche as it is just one day at a time. Like we get so caught up worried about tomorrow. I'm like, you're not even here today. Like, we need to get you here today in this moment, and if we can do that, that's what we need to do yesterday's done, like I'm sorry for all the bad shit that happened to you. I'm sorry for all the bad things you've done. We've gotta get to the place of forgiving and for letting go. Right. Because if you can get to that, I mean, there's huge freedom in it. And then on the front side, it's like, we get so consumed in the future, I have to change for X, for Y, for Z. And I'm like, that's also a dangerous game because timeline shift that, you know, because I think about this, I would dare say there's a 0% chance I thought this would be my life 10 years ago. 

And so I wasn't building my life for the future. I mean subjectively, right? Yeah. I mean, always having the future in mind, but I was trying to just get to normalization in a day-to-day basis. 'cause when I was at my worst. I mean, I literally couldn't brush my teeth. I couldn't get out of bed. I could not function. I was so dissociated. And all of that started with, okay, can I just brush my teeth today? I know I've told that story a bajillion times on the podcast, but it was about today, it wasn't. Can I brush my teeth tomorrow?  But people will go in, they'll do the work, they'll show up, they'll start doing some things. And what I've noticed is this trend and where suddenly people. Will start abandoning what they've already built, even if it's good, even if it supports them, like a relationship. Because it sometimes doing the work itself becomes so triggering and people don't know how to kind of navigate what's happening within their physiology that they recreate the past almost unintentionally and subconsciously.

I have seen this where people are like deep into the work and suddenly like, I have to leave my girlfriend. I have to leave my husband. I'm like, not necessarily.  And so sometimes you'll see abandonment will creep up into that. And so I wrote this note 'cause I wanna ask this specific question.When we're looking at behavioral shifts and pattern changes in our personal life, why do we have these behavioral shifts and pattern changes in our relationships that can also mirror us abandoning ourselves? And I think what that's about is, you know, people will. Go and create the chaos that they know to feel normal even in the healing journey. 

Jen Peters: Yeah. I actually had a client today, just today very similar situation actually. It's exactly what was happening there. I guess it could happen for many different reasons. But one of the reasons might be for a lot of us who have been abandoned, and depending on the circumstances around that, in our own makeup, you know, part of us might crave that connection while another part might actually really, truly believe underneath in our subconscious that connection is dangerous. And so, you know, you might not wanna get too far into that relationship or into that connection because whilst part of you does want to go there's another part that feels like it's survival depends upon you not getting there.

And also, if you've been in an environment where there's been a lot of chaos, if you happen to be, fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment, so you've got both the anxious and the avoidant attachment, then you're probably going to feel maybe not comfortable, but at home when it's chaotic, it's gonna be very familiar for us.

Michael Unbroken: So how do you navigate? I don't know if it just comes back to continually repeating the process, right? Because I think sometimes we have to repeat the work. I know, I certainly do. But how do you not do that? I mean, what is that? Because I know so many people that are like, I want to have a healthy relationship. I had a healthy relationship. Now I ruined it again, even though I'm going to therapy, even though I'm going to coaching. Right? 

Jen Peters: Yeah. And gosh, it just doesn't seem fair, does it? You know, you're doing the work, you're putting in the hard yards and still having to deal with these things as they come up. But it is part of the journey. So with that, I mean, I mean, I dunno if you wanna get this specific, but I would be thinking if you know that you're going through a particular stage in your therapy and within yourself, you know, to be looking at does this feel reactionary? Like does this feel like there's an emotional charge behind me needing to move needing to leave now? Like is there any urgency, any panic? Now obviously there are gonna be circumstances where people do actually need to leave and obviously if there's safety or anything like that, so we're not talking about that side of things. We're talking about a relationship that would otherwise be just humming along just fine. So if there is an emotional charge behind it, particularly like that, that urgency to act, bless you then I would be cons. I would be wanting to pause before I make any rash decisions. 

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. That urgency piece is actually really, really wise. I mean, that's great advice because one of the things I always tell my clients is that the peace is in the pause, because that's the space of regulation. That's the space of understanding, that's the space of cognition, urgency, that's such a great way to phrase it, and I don't think I've really heard anyone phrase it that way. And I think it's such a great way to phrase it, because when you get into that space of, oh my God, I have to do it right now, if I don't do this right now the world's gonna f*cking end. Sometimes the answer is yes, absolutely. You need to f*cking do this right now. You've been waiting too long. You know that this isn't the right thing for you, job, relationship, situation, friendship, whatever. Right? Sometimes that's reality. You gotta rip the fucking bandaid off, but when it's good. And you're happy and things are working and you're about to throw a grenade in the hole. It's like, wait a second, what is the urgency that you're feeling in this moment? And I think that's such a hard thing for people to answer. 

Jen Peters: So I would be looking, because if you're feeling that urgency, there is gonna be an emotional charge in your body. So perhaps just pause, take a little bit of time out whereabouts my body? Am I feeling that? And it might be your tummy or your chest. And then just ask what words are sitting in there? What does that part of my body want me to know? Because there is going to be words there, and just trust what comes up and maybe write it down and see what that means for you, because there is going to be, if there's that urgency there, it'll be coming from a wound and be trying to keep you safe in some way or another.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. That's great. Okay, so then let's dive in that a touch deeper. How do you know if it's urgent? How would you look at this and go, this feels like an urgency. This doesn't feel normative, this feels like I'm forcing it. This feel like, how would you know that? 

Jen Peters: So an urgency is going to feel a little bit like that. There's gonna be almost like that little butterfly sort of feel. And it's gonna be that, it's gonna be that, it's not quite panic, it's not quite that, but it is similar. It's that I need to do it now and there is going to be that compulsion to act now. And I mean, I don't wanna say everybody 'cause people will be different, but a lot of people will be feeling that in their tummy, around their tummy area, that compulsion to act now and, and it will be accompanied by something that feels a little bit like butterflies or panic or I'd say it's not quite panic, um, but very close. 

Michael Unbroken: Okay. So do you think that's a space of, 'cause as you're saying this, I'm thinking. One of the issues people have is that they're often very dissociated in making very difficult decisions. What I am thinking through here in real time is that urgency base in a space of dissociation? Are you doing something emotional and making a rash decision because you're out and, and I feel like as I just kind of in real time, look back at many of the rash, crazy f*cking decisions I've made, all of them were in dissociation. Maybe there was drugs or alcohol involved. Maybe it was something where I'd push myself to the limit. Maybe there's a lot of different variances that I could put in there, but they were all of the craziest decisions in my life were always in that space of if I don't do it now, the world is going to end.

Jen Peters: Yeah. 

Michael Unbroken: And that used to make me think like, I'm bipolar or I'm sociopathic. And luckily, I had an amazing therapist in psychology who was like psychologist, who's like, no, you're not, you're just not in your body. And so I think that a big part of it is if you're, if you're on the midst of making what could potentially be a life altering decision, I'm like, maybe you should meditate or breathe or write. Go for a walk and just calm yourself. 

Jen Peters: Absolutely. I was gonna say, I mean, provided your safety, when safety is not at risk, then I would not be making any decisions. When any big decisions like that when I've been drinking high, coming down, having, you know, a few days later. Anything like that, you wanna be making a decision like that, that's gonna affect you and your partner and pot, potentially your family. You wanna be making that decision from a very calm and grounded place. And you'll write about the dissociation. If we dissociated, we're actually not gonna feel that in our body anyway. So you really would actually need to almost go through a wee bit of a checklist. Like, you know, making sure not so much on a whim, but this isn't just come outta nowhere. Like this has been something that I've sat with for quite some time, you know? I would be looking at potentially, again, as long as nobody's safety's at risk, looking at actually journaling on it. You wanna understand that decision a bit more. Where is this coming from? What does this decision want me to know? What happens if I don't do this? 'cause that's gonna be quite revealing too. There's gonna be like, well, I'm gonna die. And we know that that's probably gonna happen. 

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. And that's a tough thing to do because in the moment it can often feel like this is the thing that I must do. Like, as we're talking this through, which I appreciate talking this through because I wanted to name this, when I think about urgency, it feels like that filling of a must, it's like I must leave this relationship. I must leave this career. I must pack my bags and drive to Calabasas. I don't know what it is. But that thing about the must, and sometimes you must, like sometimes here's what I think is the differentiating factor has this been something on your mind for a period of time? 

Jen Peters: Yes. 

Michael Unbroken: Right. Or did you wake up this morning and you're like, I have to implode my life which I think that's, that's a space of abandonment. You're like imploding what you've built, you're imploding your friendships, your relationship, your career yourself, like all of these things versus I've been at this job I hate for two years. And it's like, f*ck, come on, let's go. Right.

I'm in a relationship that's completely unfulfilling. I've tried everything. I've asked them to go to therapy. I asked them to go to coaching. I asked them to watch the podcast. They won't do it. They're not showing up. Oh, okay. Let's go. Right. And again, I think you're right, we're excluding the idea of safety, right?

If safety is in question you should leave immediately. But sands that if you just wake up one day and you're like, I need to leave my wife, I'm like, okay, maybe you don't. Maybe you don't, maybe what you need to do is, yeah, exactly. So I really love that. One of the things that I think because a lot of kids who come through neglect and abandonment issues, they often, and I'm one of these kids, they don't have any stability.

So stability can feel like chaos like they, it's actually an opposite, this was one of those things that changed my life is when I realized that even though I'm a vagabond and I'm by nature, I love to travel, I love to live in the world. I've been all over the place. When I was young, I lived in over 30 different homes. So we would just move and move and move and move and move. And then once I actually had my own home and I would live there, I'd be like, this feels so off. This is so deeply uncomfortable. And so you talk about. Because I wanna close a circle on it. We talk about this inner child healing, and I think sometimes that, that part of you that you have to heal the most is the part around stability. 

And so, I'm curious, in your work, do you find that to be true when you're looking at this journey? Like, and if so, how do people build stability in their life while doing this work? Because let's be honest, this work is very unsettling and very unstable. So how do you create stability? 

Jen Peters: Such a great question. So with the stability, yes, I absolutely agree. We need to actually create that stability within ourselves. Otherwise, we are just not actually ever gonna feel stable anywhere else. You know, we might for periods of time, but we'll come back to that instability. So we wanna build that stability within ourselves. So a few things that we can do. I do believe that working on the abandonment wound at the subconscious level will go a long way to helping us feel more stable but practically.

We wanna make sure that we have a safe environment that we're actually living in. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but a lot of people are in relationships that actually don't feel safe, or they might be living still with their parents who narcissistically abuse them for 20 years, you know? So we do need to look at the environments we are in, and we need to try to create a safe and secure space for ourselves.

If we cannot leave that environment for some reason or another, then we wanna create that safe space around in our bedroom or a space that, you know, is your own. But one of the other things that can really help as well is creating routines. You know, our daily routines. In fact, I think I remember hearing you speak about that, Michael, on one of your podcast, probably many of your podcasts actually. But if we can create those daily routines, they don't have to be militant or anything, but it might be that depending what kind of space you're in or where you are at in your journey, but it might be that each day we start with five or 10 minutes of meditation or tapping or visualizing or something along those lines, and we start our day with that. Then we do the next thing, then we do the next thing. We have a nighttime routine, but before we go to bed, we do some form of meditation, some form of healing work or journaling or a flexion, but something in that space. But I think if you've got some actual anchors like that, that we do each day, we start to feel more secure and stable within ourselves.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, I mean that the routine is everything. And that's something, I mean, I've spoken about for years because I would argue my morning routine is the thing that probably was the, and has been the most beneficial thing in my entire life. And my routine's very simple, very straightforward. I wake up, I drink water. I journal for a minute, I meditate for a couple of minutes, I drink a bunch of coffee. I go to the gym. That's my routine. Some mornings I ate breakfast, some mornings I don't go to the gym. And that has served me very well because it, it doesn't have to be all of these things, like you don't have to f*cking cold plunge and then stare into the sun for two hours and then lay on a, you know, put peptides in, like, whatever. Find the things that work for you and then leverage them, because like some days I don't meditate. Some days I wake up and I'm fine and I feel super connected and super aware. And some days I wake up and I feel like I fucking crazy. Right. And so it's like, I've gotta touch the routine. And so I think just knowing yourself and honoring the journey, like that's the most important thing.

But again, it's even don't abandon the journey. And I have done that over the years where I'm like, things are great and I'm flowing and I'm in flow state, and then I forget that I'm in flow state because of the things I've been doing. And then I'll just, like, I'll let off the gas for a little bit and then I'm like, why is everything off today? I'm like, oh sh*t. I haven't journaled or meditated in five days. 

Jen Peters: It's so agree. 

Michael Unbroken: Interesting. Right? Yeah. So I think bringing a massive sense of awareness of what actually serves you is incredibly important. Because again, that's the thing.

Think about this, if you come from a neglectful, abandoned household, you do not have a f*cking routine as a kid. That is not a thing. Right. And you talk so deeply about reparenting, well, are you going to do what's responsible or not? 

That's where it gets really hard because there is a level, and I wanna know your thoughts on this, but I see that there's a level in the reparenting process where it's like you have to put your own foot in your ass sometimes.

Jen Peters: Yeah. 

Michael Unbroken: It can't all just be this woowoo, go hug a tree. I love myself stuff. That stuff's super important, by the way. Like don't use my words. But some days it's like, get the f*ck up and go to work. So I'm curious if you find that to be true or not. 

Jen Peters: 100%. Yeah, absolutely. We definitely do need to do that. And it might be even just things like, making this sounds obvious, but it's not necessarily if we've been through neglect, making sure that we do eat, not necessarily at certain times, but you know, when you need to eat, making sure you do get exercise, making sure you do shower, those very simple things, but they're not actually that simple if you haven't been raised with that. So yeah, that's really important. And sometimes we do have to get hard a little bit more with ourselves for sure. And I find as well, like I'll get into that flow state and then I'll get off track a bit and I'll think what's going on? And anyway, I'll go and meditate or I actually channel a lot, I sort of channel messages and stuff, and it's just like, oh, I can feel like I can breathe again. But you forget sometimes that you haven't actually done it for a few days. And yeah, it makes such a difference when you revisit those rituals or those habits. 

Michael Unbroken: You know, there's a lot of people who, and even hearing this will start to drop off now because they're like, I don't want to be stern with myself. I don't want to put my own foot in my ass. I'm trying to heal my inner child. Self-discipline, however, I think is healing because you're ultimately giving yourself what you need. And I don't think that this is about giving yourself what you want. When you have people who come to you and they have resistance around this, what do you tell them? How do you help them navigate this part of it? 

Jen Peters: Well, usually if they come to me, they're ready to do the work. But the reality is, to your point, I don't think we need to be disciplinarian necessarily. But when we have that structure and we actually make ourselves get up, 'cause we do need to stretch ourselves sometimes when we do that, we actuallyhat structure can feel very safe and secure for us. Once we are in it, we can use that structure to support us, but sometimes we do need to be quite firm on ourselves around, you need to do this. There's three things. What are the top three things that are gonna move the needle for you today? You need to do these three things, and that's also about being a responsible adult as well. 

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. And it's about being responsible for yourself. And I think that as, like, that's the biggest thing, you know, if you come from abandonment and neglect, you don't know responsibility in what I believe to be the appropriate way. You can be 12-year-old working in a salon, but is that responsibility, you know? 'cause for me, I was 12 years old, selling drugs on the street is that responsibility. Right? And then you're like, okay, wait a second. What if responsibility is I need to be on time for work? Like it boggles my mind that people are late for work. Like, I just don't even understand it because, I mean, of course shit happens. Like, let me be clear. Yeah. But as, as somebody who has a team and employees, and I'm very lenient. I'm probably the easiest person to work for on planet Earth. But if you're late consistently, I go, that's a pattern, that was one of those patterns personally. Now here's the irony, what I just said. That was me. I was always late guy, always late guy. My mom was always late to everything. Always. What do you think happened? I learned a pattern in behavior and that became a belief. It's okay to be late. And then I realized, I was like, wait a second.

Actually this is not okay because this doesn't serve me and it doesn't serve the people around me. And eventually I was 19, so it's like not the biggest deal in the world, but at the time it was, I got fired from a job, 'cause I was late, right? And I was like, what? It was crazy too, how they fired me, by the way, 'cause it was a warehouse job. And so I walk in, you have this badge and the badge is what gets you in the door. And the badge didn't work. This is so funny. And so I go to badge, I go hit the badge, it doesn't work. And the guy go behind me goes. Well, you just got fired. And I was like, oh my gosh. I was like, what?

And he goes, yeah, if your badge doesn't work, that means I fired you. And so immediately security guard comes around, he is like, I need you to come with me. And I was like, ah, sh*t, I definitely just got fired. But all that came from what? From being late. Like I made the bed. I had to sleep in it.

Right. And so I think about inner child work isn't just this, sitting down and talking about the things, it's like showing up with responsibility, showing up with accountability. You said structure. Right. I mean, that's such a huge part of it. And so I want to encourage people to like look at and ask yourself, where is your life unstructured? 'cause, and it's not just, you know, I know I'm scrolling TikTok, that's not your only problem. Like, that's not your only problem. So you need to address those and look at those and understand how they are and are not serving you. And I'm not talking at people saying this, this is a part of my life too. I have to look and think to myself, where am I not serving myself? 

Jen Peters: Yeah. 

Michael Unbroken: And that becomes a daily basis. Jen, this has been a great conversation. I appreciate you tremendously. Before I ask you my last question, uh, can you please tell everyone where they can find you, learn more about you, read your book.

Jen Peters: Of course. Thank you so much. I really loved our conversation too, so thank you for having me. So I'm most active on Instagram, under jenpeterssoulguide_healer. You can also access my resources via my website, www.jen-peters.com. And I also have a membership that might be of interest. It's a very accessible monthly membership where I actually guide you through healing the 12 primary inner child traumas. And we spend a full month on each trauma. We're actually on abandonment. In fact, we just started abandonment in September. So, and we are moving into attachment trauma next month. We'll move through over the 12 months. So, yes, since you can access it through my Instagram or through my website, it's called the Sanctuary.

Michael Unbroken: Amazing. And guys, if you go to thinkunbrokenpodcast.com, you can find that and more in the show notes. My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Jen Peters: Beautiful question. So to me, to be unbroken means that no matter where you have been, what you've been through, where you are today, that healing is absolutely possible and available for you. And I also believe with this, that the challenges you have been through are directly related to your purpose. And so as you do step into that unbroken space, you will start to actually access more of what you came here to do, and a life that honestly will be well beyond anything you could have ever imagined. 

Michael Unbroken: I love that and I hope that for everyone. Jen, thank you so much for being here.

Unbroken Nation, my friends. Thank you so much for listening. Share this episode with a friend, with somebody close to you, maybe with a sibling, someone in your life that could use it, that could need it, and that it could help them transform.

Take care of yourselves, take care of each other.

And until next time, my friends.

Be unbroken. I'll see you.