Heal Your inner Child and Abandonment Wounds | with Jen Peters

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're listening to the Think Unbroken Podcast and I'm your host, Michael and Broken.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm an author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse.

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[SPEAKER_01]: In this podcast, you will learn how to transform your trauma in the triumph, turn breakdowns into breakthroughs, and go from victim to being the hero of your own story.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can learn more at Think UnbrokenPonCast.com and of course, check us out on Apple Podcasts and Spotify at Think Unbroken Podcast.

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[SPEAKER_01]: One of the things that we have to deal with that until you deal with it, shapes who you are is healing your inner child and the relationship that you have with yourself and others.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Part of it is dealing with and healing the wounds of abandonment, which I can speak from my first hand experience, have impacted me dramatically.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's the aspect of looking at, well, how do you step into being emotionally capable?

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[SPEAKER_01]: How do you actually become someone who cares about themselves?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And in a world where people talk about healing your inner child, and a lot of ways with a lot of bullshit that doesn't actually serve you, how do we talk about it in a practical way that will change your life?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we're going to do that today with my guest, Jen Peters.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Jen, my friend, thank you so much for being here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for having me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I want to dive right in because I think that so many people need to understand first kind of a frame, let's talk about this, what does it mean to actually heal your inner child?

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[SPEAKER_01]: What does that mean?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because all we hear right now, it's like the new hot topic.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, hell, I even wrote a book about it three years ago, but I'm curious from your perspective, but what does that actually mean?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, great question.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, to me, healing are in a child as about going back again and again and again through different lenses through different wounds and we need to see them and we need to hear them so we need to actually give them a voice.

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[SPEAKER_00]: because part of the problem when they were small is that they weren't seeing, they weren't given a voice, they weren't understood and so we need to give that to them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Something that I also like to do with my inner child healings as I also like to look at what beliefs have formed because of those specific wounds and what patterns have they formed and we address those toe.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, over, I don't mean to put people off, but it does take a long time to heal, honestly.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so we just go again, again, and again, and again, doing the same types of things.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And when we can see them and validate them and give them a voice and all of those beautiful things, they're pain often dissolves, and that's what I like to do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: In my own journey, one of the things that I've kind of bear witness to, especially when I was in my early part of the journey was I thought that giving the inner child a voice meant doing what the inner child wanted to do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and it would get me in trouble, like not necessarily in this way where I'm getting arrested or crazy shit like that, but it'd be like these really poor decisions that would happen.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Where I'd be like, oh, but I thought I was honoring my inner child who was like, get stoned and play video games and don't go to work today, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then then through the journey, I realize like, wait a second, the giving of the voice is that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's about being heard and being seen and

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[SPEAKER_01]: But you wouldn't let an inner child drive your car, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You wouldn't let a child drive your car.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So why are you letting it drive your life?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's an area that people get conflated.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you look at it?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like when you talk about giving this voice to this part of you that's real and look to say it's not real is stupid because we are the sum total of all of our experiences.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So everything that's ever happened to us, it leads to this moment.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so that inner child, whether you like it or not is there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you give it the voice, but not let it drive the car.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I love that and thank you for raising the eggs that I've seen a lot as well.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, giving your inner child a voice is about actually reconnecting with your inner child and I'm happy to talk to you at some point around an easy way of doing that, if you'd like me too.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But reconnecting with her inner child and we first of all we notice how are they feeling

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[SPEAKER_00]: because they are going to be feeling some kind of way.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We look at perhaps what are they thinking.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then we go in and we actually connect with them directly.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And what I have found is that when we actually reflect their words back to them, I know that you're feeling sad and alone, but I am here now.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That helps them be seen when we use their specific words.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And terms of giving them a voice, we ask them, what is it that you need me to know?

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[SPEAKER_00]: What do you want to say right now?

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[SPEAKER_00]: What do you need and don't get?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And they won't always answer you, but they usually do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, I find that if we mirror back their words and using their specific words and giving them the reassurance that they need,

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[SPEAKER_00]: because they've been seen, they've been heard, they've been understood and acknowledged and not all the time but a lot of the time that is all that they need.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I must say in my work we go a lot deeper than that that's pretty surface level honestly but that part is an integral part of the process for them to be seen heard and understood and they stop picking off at that point

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[SPEAKER_01]: What do you say to the people who kind of think this is silly, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's been times where I've run into, and even my opinion of it in the beginning when I was young and naive as I'd be like, Interchild, like, what are you talking about?

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[SPEAKER_01]: This is stupid.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This is weird.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What are you doing?

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[SPEAKER_01]: What are your thoughts about that?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think there's a huge wall in the way of many people, even like allow this conversation to happen with themselves.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's real shame, honestly, because I have definitely found that when we can reconnect with our inner child and meet the needs and to heal the wounds that they have, we unlock another layer of ourselves again and again and again.

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[SPEAKER_00]: through this work.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So it is a real shame.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So perhaps it is about making them feel a little bit more comfortable about doing it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't need to do it with other people necessarily.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Perhaps they can do it in private so they don't feel so silly.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But the fact is, is that 95% of what we do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's coming from us subconscious and a lot of that is from our

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's happening without us even being aware of what we're doing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You speak about driving a car.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It actually a lot of us are children driving our cars, our relationships, everything else.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and it's interesting because as they say what you resist persist, and I think that for me a huge shift in my life was being able to sit in that reality and say, hey, no, this is true.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This part of you is like a part of you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can't avoid this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we're going to go deeper into a lot of the constructive parts of this process, but

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[SPEAKER_01]: For people who are curious, tell us more about your background.

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[SPEAKER_01]: How did you walk this path?

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[SPEAKER_01]: What does led you to doing this work?

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[SPEAKER_01]: What are your credentials?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And most importantly, why are you doing this?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So my background, like a lot of us, I've had a pretty, a pretty challenging path honestly.

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[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I do remember when I first started working with a healer at that point at the nation of what a healer was, but I remember one of the exercises I was doing was running a chronology of what had happened from day one up into that point and I remember

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[SPEAKER_00]: getting to 20 years old and just stopping.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I had to stop.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I just thought, how on earth could somebody go through the things that I have gone through and still be, okay, and be saying, I can't remember asking my healer at the time, am I sane or is everybody just being nice to me and not telling me that there's something wrong with me?

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, because I couldn't believe that when I'd seen it on paper,

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[SPEAKER_00]: you know that somebody could be okay after being going through this thing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I guess my journey on this path really started being adopted.

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[SPEAKER_00]: My natural mother was 15 at the time when she was pregnant most of my pregnancy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So obviously two young and for most people to be having having a child and she was sitting there two young.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, for me, there was the abandonment wound before even begun.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There was also, I do a lot of work and I've gone back on myself and there was things like not good enough and worthy and lovable, my own mother doesn't love me enough to keep me being unwanted.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was a really big one for me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Shame, caring, deep, deep shame.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I remember even as a six-year-old feeling,

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[SPEAKER_00]: like I had a dirty secret, like, and I just couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, and dawned on me in fact when I was writing my book, the dirty secret was me because I had been being narrated, if you like, within my mother for nearly 40 weeks or however long it was,

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[SPEAKER_00]: and the deep shame and the duty secret that she felt she was carrying.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I had absorbed that too.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So that was my start.

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[SPEAKER_00]: My father was a very angry man.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He would have been violent except that he couldn't catch us.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's the time we were much faster at running.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, I never felt safe in my body from day one and I remember remembering very, very small and just craving sugar.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously now I understand that the craving of sugar is about soothing because of the fact that I just never felt safe by seven years old, my cousin molested me and by said.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Um, by 12 years old, my, I had started working, actually it's a huge one, not as a huge as a sign.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's cell-on, chamfering hair and stuff on the weekends because we just had no money.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I started doing that and I remember my mum telling me at 12 years old, I was going to need to be financially responsible for myself at that point, apart from school and she would obviously feed me, but anything else I wanted, that was on me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and then by about sort of, I remember being just desperately wanting to be loved by a man because my father was so angry and I remember even as a teenager, recognising that connection and by 15 I was seeing a young guy and he and his older friends raped me and by 16 I

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[SPEAKER_00]: ended up being gangroaps by a group of three young men, drugs and gangroaps for about three or four months.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So that really kind of sent me on quite a path and really just completely annihilated any sort of self-esteem that I had.

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[SPEAKER_00]: In my early twenties, I actually, I bought a cell on when I was 21 and that really was my passion and

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was pretty, yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was an interesting time as well, but ended up meeting my ex husband who was narcissistic and I didn't even know what narcissism was.

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[SPEAKER_00]: At that point, I was of course severely codependent as you'll probably know.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Usually you have a narcissistic person and a codependent person or at least the patterning as the usual pairing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So we were married for 14 years and there was a lot of inferdality, there was a lot of drugs, I got to the point where actually I could only cope with Os High and it was just very, very, very toxic.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But by the time our relationship ended or our marriage ended, I was recommended to a healer and I didn't know any, I didn't even know what healer was at that point and I can tell you

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[SPEAKER_00]: that very first session completely changed my trajectory.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I remember it as clear as day.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It really changed the direction that the rest of my life went on and from that day I've been absolutely devout to my healing journey and then it wasn't.

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[SPEAKER_00]: too far along that I just knew I need to help other people feel like this, like the contrast between feeling like you're in survival mode versus the pace, the actual in a pace I felt was like a nice and day I'd never experienced that before and I thought other people need to know that this exists and that's really what started me on this path of helping others.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think a lot about turning your pain into and turning your worst moments and all of your suffering and all your trauma and turning it into something else.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's this idea and this process of alchemy where you're sitting in the worst parts of you and you're using it to change.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's so difficult because when you're in the process and you're making these decisions, at least it was for me, I constantly would be in battle with myself about who it is that I want to be, who I how I want to show up.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And everything we do, it's always informed by the past.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think about

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[SPEAKER_01]: the massively destructive behaviors that we can have as people, and there's two camps of thought I think on this, camp one is, is it destructive if it's not hurting anyone, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's a place where a lot of people live, and then there's the, is it destructive because it's not hurting me?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then we have to look at and define the behaviors and the things that we're doing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's so difficult because if you grow up in a space where you are shown, well, love is yelling and screaming and fighting and hitting and narcissism, whether or not that's true.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever those things are, you go, okay, cool.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's normalized.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's okay.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And if you go up in a home where there's drugs and alcohol and infidelity and pain and suffering and lack of worth and judgment and shame and guilt, you go, okay, that's okay.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then you step into these behavioral patterns and you do things, even said, like, I had to be high to cope, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're

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[SPEAKER_01]: Part of it I think is beyond just at least for me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm speaking to myself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Part of that beyond that for me wasn't just coping.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It was just normalized.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I get I get drunk.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I I look up.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I make money.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's all I do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's who I am.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I used to always tell people, if you don't like me, that's your problem because I'm not changing for you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think one of the most dangerous things that you can do is that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But inevitably, that moment of transition can exist for you, if you're willing to allow it, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: So many people, they resist.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They may be go to the coach or go to the healer or go to the therapist or listen to podcasts like this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and they resist it because the destructive behaviors have become so normalized.

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[SPEAKER_01]: How did you move through this to, like, especially around the thoughts of behaviors?

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[SPEAKER_01]: How did you shift your own patterning?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because that's the place where I think most people get stuck.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They hear the podcast, they go, yeah, I got it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Sure, do the,

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[SPEAKER_01]: things will not ever, but there's always still that resistance.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So with all of the background, and all of the parts that are built into you, this is who Jen is and who she's supposed to be, how do you shift that narrative and allow yourself to become this different version of you?

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's a really great question, so in my experience, and this is where healing or energetic healing does differ slightly from a more traditional approach, and of course every healer is going to do it differently, but with the energetic healing, we're able to

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[SPEAKER_00]: to actually dissolve it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that sounds a little kind of like a too good to be true, but you actually can.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I know that's exactly what I do within my work.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I share this work and my work and my membership and so on because I want it more available.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the difference is when we're able to go into that in a child.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So would you like me to tell you a little bit about what we do there?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So so that your people can understand or it might not

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, dive in because I know that where people get stuck is in the practicality of it all.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yep.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, I guess, see, okay, I'll dive in.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, we first want to see and hear the inner child as we spoke about before reconnecting with the inner child, but when we're able to also identify what beliefs they have and what patterns they have, because those are the patterns that we now struggle with and adulthood.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: When we reflect those beliefs and patterns back to them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and let them know that they don't need to do that anymore.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't need to self-abandon, they don't need to get high.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't need to do whatever it is that they're doing anymore because you are here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And we will bring an energetic, healing different energies to actually help dissolve that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I do wrote about that more on my book, so that is available for your people and I've got a free

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[SPEAKER_00]: I would say though, if you were not using that kind of approach, when you're falling into those patterns, I would be reminding myself that that is actually a pattern that a wounded part of me, not a shameful part or broken part, but just a wounded part of me actually developed to survive at some point.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I would notice we're about my body and my feeling that emotional charge, and then I would address that part and basically say you don't need to do x, y, z anymore.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I am here now, and I'm taking care of you, or whatever the reassurance needs to be.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But it's remembering that that pattern is actually coming from and a child who's still hurting.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So in this, so looking at this, and I mean, obviously that makes sense to me, but I feel like you know, one of the big things that we have to look at here is self abandonment, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because where I'm trying to leave this is to understand, because I know it's a big part of your work, is how do we move past that?

19:57.977 --> 20:00.701
[SPEAKER_01]: Because holy shit abandonment issues, right?

20:01.082 --> 20:02.985
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, obviously,

20:02.965 --> 20:05.330
[SPEAKER_01]: for myself, huge part of my life.

20:05.531 --> 20:11.784
[SPEAKER_01]: And something I still deal with today, something I'm still as TD Jake says, new levels, new devils.

20:12.325 --> 20:18.358
[SPEAKER_01]: As I progress further in this work, things pop up and I'm like, oh shit, gotta look at that now.

20:18.338 --> 20:27.191
[SPEAKER_01]: and it's very normative for people who dealt with neglect, for people who dealt with being adopted, people who dealt with drug addict alcoholic parents.

20:27.632 --> 20:42.934
[SPEAKER_01]: You get to that ACE score being 4, 5, 6 plus abandonment is a huge part of it, trusted choose, huge part of it, not believing in yourself and other people actually care about you, huge part of it, right, not caring about yourself.

20:43.375 --> 20:48.042
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's like, okay, with all these structures, I know that

20:48.022 --> 20:53.472
[SPEAKER_01]: will start, they will start, they will start, and I love that about people, but they won't finish.

20:54.194 --> 21:02.469
[SPEAKER_01]: So, and I think a huge part of that is because of self abandoning, and I think a huge part of that is just feeling like that again as a part of the normative structure.

21:02.529 --> 21:04.613
[SPEAKER_01]: So, looking at this,

21:04.593 --> 21:20.847
[SPEAKER_01]: how do you walk that path like how do we take the abandonment pieces of us understand those and then allow those to exist and heal them and overcome them so that we can change our beliefs and patterns about abandonment

21:21.704 --> 21:43.088
[SPEAKER_00]: So an I agree abandonment is the most common wound I see in fact I don't I've seen at least 3,000 people and I don't think I've seen anybody that does not have some degree of an abandonment wound So I would actually be addressing the actual abandoned and a child when we heal the abandoned and a child that that

21:43.068 --> 21:49.478
[SPEAKER_00]: because we do have, I believe, that we have many different inner children actually carrying slightly different variations of wounds.

21:49.899 --> 21:55.688
[SPEAKER_00]: But when we heal the abandoned inner child, then the patterns subside as well.

21:56.509 --> 22:01.397
[SPEAKER_00]: So, um, now, in terms of,

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[SPEAKER_00]: what we can do if we are not using an energetic approach would be looking at where we are abandoning ourselves, just asking yourself, what do I do and conflict, what do I do and there is an issue, I don't know, whenever the issue might be, but looking in the different areas and noticing

22:27.297 --> 22:47.415
[SPEAKER_00]: actually starting to reparent yourself in those areas, a specific of how to abandon or neglect, and is actually starting to give ourselves what it is that we're trying to get from other people or get through other means, starting to give ourselves those things.

22:47.395 --> 22:48.860
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so what does that look like?

22:49.000 --> 22:52.551
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what are some examples of things we need to give ourselves?

22:52.591 --> 22:59.734
[SPEAKER_01]: What are some examples of things that maybe are just coping mechanisms that we think are things that we need?

23:00.052 --> 23:21.942
[SPEAKER_00]: So things like if we are self-abandoning, maybe it's that we're overgibbing or standing on ahead to prove ourselves before we offer to do something or offer to give or offer to give up other people our time, we just pause and we ask ourselves, actually do I have the bandwidth to do this?

23:21.922 --> 23:23.706
[SPEAKER_00]: Do we even want to do this?

23:24.267 --> 23:27.754
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, is this something I've got the time or energy for?

23:27.814 --> 23:30.339
[SPEAKER_00]: And if it's a no, then you don't do it.

23:30.379 --> 23:33.265
[SPEAKER_00]: We start to actually rain that overgiving backhand.

23:33.927 --> 23:39.418
[SPEAKER_00]: It might be things like, you know, standing on ahead to prove ourselves.

23:39.799 --> 23:41.322
[SPEAKER_00]: So we notice where do we do that?

23:41.482 --> 23:42.985
[SPEAKER_00]: When do I do that?

23:42.965 --> 23:45.810
[SPEAKER_00]: and we start to bring that back into alignment.

23:45.870 --> 23:59.095
[SPEAKER_00]: It definitely is awareness, but awareness, and itself I don't, we need the awareness, but we also need to have that desire to take that action if we're not going to do that deeper, deeper, and it's hard work.

23:59.115 --> 24:03.724
[SPEAKER_00]: We can do that deeper and it's hard work, then it takes, we can,

24:03.704 --> 24:13.578
[SPEAKER_00]: And my experience, we actually don't, there's not a lot of effort to step out of this patterns because in most cases the patterns literally dissolve.

24:13.598 --> 24:16.061
[SPEAKER_00]: So, but that is using an energetic approach.

24:17.323 --> 24:23.291
[SPEAKER_01]: So, as somebody's working with you and they're walking down this energetic approach like, what is transpiring?

24:23.311 --> 24:28.699
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what are the things that you're walking them through to help them navigate this?

24:28.932 --> 24:47.683
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so we are looking at what is coming up now in the reddit life like we are the big problems that are coming up, what are the big struggles that are having right now and each of those struggles or dysfunctional patterns they will come back to a

24:47.663 --> 24:55.040
[SPEAKER_00]: younger wounded version of them, not always a child, but mostly, but even if it's an adult, you still deal with it the same way.

24:55.741 --> 24:59.670
[SPEAKER_00]: And we will address each theme of trauma.

25:00.111 --> 25:07.107
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I say address, I mean, go into the subconscious mind, connect with those wounded parts, find out what they need,

25:07.087 --> 25:24.133
[SPEAKER_00]: find out what they need to say, give them what it is that they need and then bring the energetic healing in to actually dissolve those beliefs and patterns and what tends to what typically happens is that whatever it is that we were working on,

25:24.113 --> 25:30.401
[SPEAKER_00]: and it may have been cutting them to self-abandoned, although that is a big one, so that would take several sessions.

25:30.921 --> 25:43.978
[SPEAKER_00]: But whatever it is that we're working on will either lose its emotional charge completely, or there might be a few threads there, but it's easy to step out of.

25:44.738 --> 25:46.020
[SPEAKER_00]: Whereas

25:46.000 --> 25:54.200
[SPEAKER_00]: beforehand when a particular event happened, we would have an emotional charge and we would be reacting however we would normally react.

25:54.460 --> 25:56.645
[SPEAKER_00]: It would be very difficult for us not to.

25:56.686 --> 26:01.056
[SPEAKER_00]: So we unravel, we unravel the patterns that way.

26:01.475 --> 26:06.485
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you find that people struggle with even being able to name where this starts for them?

26:06.885 --> 26:11.735
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, because I think that a big part is like, I don't know that necessarily.

26:11.935 --> 26:13.518
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that this was true for me.

26:13.538 --> 26:17.205
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know quote unquote, what was wrong with me.

26:17.185 --> 26:19.248
[SPEAKER_01]: I would just be looking at my life.

26:19.268 --> 26:21.050
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, why do I keep fucking this up?

26:21.511 --> 26:26.158
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you know, it would be literally any of my fucking up relationships, money.

26:26.178 --> 26:27.960
[SPEAKER_01]: My, like, why am I smoking?

26:28.140 --> 26:28.701
[SPEAKER_01]: You know what I mean?

26:28.741 --> 26:30.143
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I think it's smoking cigarettes.

26:30.504 --> 26:32.226
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so glad I quit over a deck.

26:32.366 --> 26:33.668
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, almost 15 years ago.

26:33.968 --> 26:34.830
[SPEAKER_01]: But I, I look at that.

26:34.850 --> 26:36.392
[SPEAKER_01]: I go, what the fuck is wrong with you?

26:36.432 --> 26:38.935
[SPEAKER_01]: You're smoking, you're drinking, you're partying.

26:38.975 --> 26:41.399
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't take care of yourself, you're overweight.

26:41.920 --> 26:43.682
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't, I just couldn't figure it out.

26:43.842 --> 26:45.825
[SPEAKER_01]: I was just like, I, I don't know.

26:45.805 --> 27:04.455
[SPEAKER_01]: right and that's kind of maybe the space where we're victimhood can live because I know that was certainly true for me but I'm curious how do you help people just kind of nameless to start because I how do you fix what you can't name right so do you find that people struggle with that where they're just like I don't know

27:05.330 --> 27:15.683
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I actually, like what you're saying is so true, so many of my clients come to me and they'll say, I don't remember my childhood, which is probably because of a dissociator's.

27:15.703 --> 27:17.766
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I thought they were probably out of their body.

27:17.786 --> 27:19.428
[SPEAKER_00]: It's probably why they don't remember it.

27:19.888 --> 27:24.494
[SPEAKER_00]: But by the by, with the approach that I use, we don't need to remember it.

27:24.574 --> 27:34.206
[SPEAKER_00]: So whatever that behavior is, say the smoking, the drinking, the getting high, particularly the drinking, the getting high, it's telling us that there's a part of us that's hurting.

27:34.186 --> 27:34.907
[SPEAKER_00]: actually.

27:35.469 --> 27:42.583
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't remember when I was in and that stage myself I remember just actually saying I wanted to feel like I'd been hit by a freight train.

27:43.144 --> 27:49.377
[SPEAKER_00]: You know you just those rules signals that there is there is some stuff going on underneath.

27:49.357 --> 28:03.783
[SPEAKER_00]: But what we do is we look at what keeps on happening in your adult life, say it is, I need to have a drink, I can't not have a drink, or I keep on lying to my partner or I keep on, whatever it is that we might be doing.

28:04.344 --> 28:10.555
[SPEAKER_00]: So what I would do is I'll get them to think about a particular time where this has actually happened.

28:10.535 --> 28:14.746
[SPEAKER_00]: as an adult, not as a child, but as an adult, they'll think about that time.

28:15.227 --> 28:18.154
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, there'll be an emotional charge that comes up with that.

28:18.175 --> 28:21.303
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not anything huge, but it's enough for them to feel it.

28:21.864 --> 28:26.215
[SPEAKER_00]: We look at the part of the body it's sitting in, then we look at what.

28:26.195 --> 28:54.835
[SPEAKER_00]: what emotions are sitting in there and then from there we can extract through and it will take us like a little portal straight to the inner child who is still hooting and is directly related to this particular wound in this particular set of patterns that when we want to see them like how are they feeling what do they want to say and we go through there and we look at the beliefs the patterns will be exactly what's happening

28:54.815 --> 28:59.102
[SPEAKER_00]: So that way you don't need to remember, you don't need to remember it all.

29:00.264 --> 29:12.123
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I find that it doesn't work quite so effectively if we go directly to an event that we remember from childhood, it's better to look at how that's playing out now on adulthood.

29:12.143 --> 29:14.006
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a little portal, a little doorway.

29:14.046 --> 29:17.532
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take us straight into your subconscious mind to where we need to go.

29:18.322 --> 29:19.644
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

29:19.905 --> 29:24.392
[SPEAKER_01]: And I agree with you, I often tell my clients, we don't need to talk about the past to change your future.

29:25.013 --> 29:25.273
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

29:25.634 --> 29:35.630
[SPEAKER_01]: We need to understand why you're doing what you're doing, why you behave, how you behave, why you see the world, the way you see the world, and then create a shift in it, right?

29:35.790 --> 29:37.453
[SPEAKER_01]: Because ultimately, that's what we're trying to do.

29:37.473 --> 29:44.785
[SPEAKER_01]: We're trying to interrupt the current you, so that you have the ability to become the you, who, that you're capable of becoming,

29:44.765 --> 29:45.887
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's hard.

29:46.128 --> 29:49.495
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's not like you can just sit down and have a conversation in your fucking life.

29:49.515 --> 29:50.477
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be different.

29:50.718 --> 29:53.223
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's a ton of work ahead of you.

29:53.243 --> 30:00.158
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's one of the things that's especially, I'll even dare say call it disheartening because it's like, yeah.

30:00.138 --> 30:02.241
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, I went to coaching nine times.

30:02.261 --> 30:03.983
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been going to therapy for two years.

30:04.043 --> 30:13.776
[SPEAKER_01]: I read 36 books and it's like, I have this weird idea in my head personally that, hey, this is just as cliche as it is.

30:13.817 --> 30:18.222
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just one day at a time like we get so caught up worried about tomorrow.

30:18.263 --> 30:23.389
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, you're not even here today like we need to get you here today in this moment.

30:23.830 --> 30:27.495
[SPEAKER_01]: And if we can do that, that's what we need to do.

30:27.475 --> 30:32.641
[SPEAKER_01]: Yesterday's done, like, I'm sorry for all the bad shit that happened to you.

30:33.081 --> 30:35.704
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry for all of the bad things you've done.

30:35.744 --> 30:39.848
[SPEAKER_01]: We've got to get to the place of forgiving and for letting go, right?

30:39.928 --> 30:42.271
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if you can get to that, I mean, there's huge freedom in it.

30:42.511 --> 30:45.775
[SPEAKER_01]: And then on the front side is like, we get so consumed in the future.

30:45.875 --> 30:49.519
[SPEAKER_01]: I have to change for X for Y for Z.

30:49.559 --> 30:56.166
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, that's also a dangerous game because time line shift.

30:56.146 --> 31:03.034
[SPEAKER_01]: I would dare say there's a 0% chance I thought this would be my life 10 years ago, right?

31:03.614 --> 31:10.542
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I wasn't building my life for the future, I mean, subjectively, right?

31:11.042 --> 31:19.892
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, always having the future in mind, but I was trying to just get to normalization in a day-to-day basis, because when I was at,

31:19.957 --> 31:20.939
[SPEAKER_01]: my worst.

31:21.500 --> 31:23.103
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I literally couldn't brush my teeth.

31:23.524 --> 31:24.506
[SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't get out of bed.

31:24.526 --> 31:25.729
[SPEAKER_01]: I could not function.

31:26.009 --> 31:27.493
[SPEAKER_01]: I was so disassociated.

31:28.234 --> 31:33.204
[SPEAKER_01]: And all of that started with, okay, can I just brush my teeth today?

31:33.325 --> 31:37.593
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know I've told that story in bajillion times on the podcast, but it was about today.

31:37.654 --> 31:40.800
[SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't can I brush my teeth tomorrow.

31:40.780 --> 31:57.338
[SPEAKER_01]: But people will go in, they'll do the work, they'll show up, they'll start doing some things, and what I, what I've noticed is this trend and burn, we're suddenly people will start abandoning what they've already built, even if it's good.

31:57.318 --> 32:15.287
[SPEAKER_01]: even if it supports them, like a relationship because sometimes doing the work itself becomes so triggering and people don't know how to kind of navigate what's happening within their physiology that they they recreate the past almost unintentionally and subconsciously.

32:15.327 --> 32:21.757
[SPEAKER_01]: And you also I have seen this where people are like deep into the work and something like I have to leave my girlfriend.

32:21.898 --> 32:23.460
[SPEAKER_01]: I have to

32:23.440 --> 32:26.668
[SPEAKER_01]: necessarily, right?

32:26.889 --> 32:29.977
[SPEAKER_01]: And so sometimes the abandonment will creep up into that.

32:29.997 --> 32:32.764
[SPEAKER_01]: So I wrote this note because I want to ask this specific question.

32:33.386 --> 32:39.762
[SPEAKER_01]: So when we're looking at behavioral shifts and pattern changes in our

32:39.742 --> 32:48.036
[SPEAKER_01]: Why do we have these behavioral shifts and pattern changes in our relationships that can also mirror us abandoning ourselves?

32:48.797 --> 32:57.632
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think what that's about is, you know, people will go and create the chaos that they know to feel normal even in the healing journey.

32:58.102 --> 33:18.237
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I actually had a client today, just today, very similar situation actually, it's exactly what was happening there, I guess it could happen for many different reasons, but one of the reasons might be for a lot of us who have been abandoned and depending on the circumstances around that and now I'll make up.

33:18.217 --> 33:30.568
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, part of us might crave that connection while another part might actually really truly believe underneath in our subconscious that connection is dangerous.

33:31.208 --> 33:47.903
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you might not want to get too far into that relationship or into that connection because whilst part of you does want to go there, there's another part that feels like it's survival depends upon you not getting there.

33:47.883 --> 34:02.174
[SPEAKER_00]: if you happen to be fearful avoidant or disorganised attachment so you've got both the anxious and the avoidant attachment then you're probably going to feel maybe not comfortable but at home when it's chaotic.

34:03.377 --> 34:05.622
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're very familiar for us.

34:05.922 --> 34:07.784
[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you how do you navigate not?

34:08.645 --> 34:17.655
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I don't know if it just comes back to continually repeating the process right because I think sometimes we have to repeat the work.

34:17.895 --> 34:18.956
[SPEAKER_01]: I know I start to feel.

34:19.517 --> 34:21.118
[SPEAKER_01]: But how do you not do that?

34:21.279 --> 34:22.159
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, what is that?

34:22.260 --> 34:27.085
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I know so many people that I want to have a healthy relationship, I had a healthy relationship.

34:27.125 --> 34:28.006
[SPEAKER_01]: Now I ruined it again.

34:28.066 --> 34:31.069
[SPEAKER_01]: Even though I'm going to therapy, even though I'm going to coaching, right?

34:31.049 --> 34:44.314
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah and it's got you just doesn't seem fear does it you know you're doing the work you're putting in the hard yards and still having to deal with these things as they come up But it is part of the journey so we're sad.

34:44.455 --> 34:54.053
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I mean, I don't know if you want to get the specific but with that I would be thinking if you know that you're going through a particular stage in North therapy and within yourself

34:54.033 --> 35:07.264
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, to be looking at does this feel reactionary, like does this feel like there's an emotional charge behind me needing to move needing to leave now, like is there any urgency, any panic?

35:07.685 --> 35:11.488
[SPEAKER_00]: Now obviously there are going to be circumstances where people do actually need to leave.

35:12.189 --> 35:16.432
[SPEAKER_00]: And obviously if there's safety or anything like that, so we're not talking about that side of things.

35:16.773 --> 35:22.858
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about a relationship that would otherwise be just humming along just fine.

35:22.838 --> 35:37.303
[SPEAKER_00]: So if there is an emotional charge behind it, particularly like that, that urgency to act, you see, then I would be wanting to pause before I make any rash decisions.

35:38.060 --> 35:41.368
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that urgency piece is actually really, really wise.

35:41.509 --> 35:47.103
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's great advice because one of the things I always tell my clients is that the piece is in the pause.

35:47.745 --> 35:50.171
[SPEAKER_01]: Because that's the space of regulation.

35:50.251 --> 35:51.775
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the space of understanding.

35:51.815 --> 35:54.482
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the space of cognition.

35:54.563 --> 36:23.811
[SPEAKER_01]: urgency that's so that's such a great way to phrase it and I don't think I've really heard anyone phrase it that way and I think it's such a great way to phrase it because when you get into that space of oh my god I have to do it right now if I don't do this right now the world is going to fucking end sometimes the answer is yes absolutely you need to fucking do this right now you've been waiting too long you know that this isn't the right thing for you job relationship situation friendship whatever right yeah sometimes that's reality you got to rip the fucking band

36:23.791 --> 36:32.968
[SPEAKER_01]: But when it's good and you're happy and things are working and you're about to throw grenade in the hole, it's like, wait a second.

36:33.068 --> 36:36.074
[SPEAKER_01]: What is the urgency that you're feeling in this moment?

36:36.314 --> 36:36.735
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

36:37.557 --> 36:37.837
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

36:37.917 --> 36:41.023
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's such a hard thing for people to answer.

36:42.016 --> 36:47.706
[SPEAKER_00]: I would be looking because if you're feeling that urgency, there is going to be an emotional charge in your body.

36:47.746 --> 37:02.192
[SPEAKER_00]: So perhaps just pause, take a little bit of time out, worry about my body and my feeling that and it might be your tummy or your chest and then just ask, what would to sit in there, what does that part of my body want me to know?

37:02.252 --> 37:04.817
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it is going to be worse there.

37:04.797 --> 37:10.334
[SPEAKER_00]: and just trust what comes up and maybe write it down and see what that means for you.

37:10.415 --> 37:17.878
[SPEAKER_00]: Because there is going to be, if there's that urgency there, it'll be coming from a wound, and it'll be trying to keep you safe in somewhere in other.

37:18.280 --> 37:22.149
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's, okay, so then let's type in that touch deeper.

37:22.550 --> 37:24.254
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you know if it's urgent?

37:24.936 --> 37:35.901
[SPEAKER_01]: Like how would you look at this and go, this feels like an urgency, this doesn't feel normative, this feels like I'm forcing it, this feel, like how would you know that?

37:36.083 --> 37:40.148
[SPEAKER_00]: So an urgency is going to feel a little bit like that.

37:40.949 --> 37:49.018
[SPEAKER_00]: There's going to be almost like that little butterfly sort of feel and there's going to be that it's going to be that it's not quite panic.

37:49.038 --> 37:51.761
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not quite that, but it is similar.

37:52.121 --> 37:57.988
[SPEAKER_00]: It's that I need to do it now and there is going to be that compulsion to act now.

37:58.649 --> 38:06.057
[SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, I don't want to say everybody because people will be different, but a lot of people will be feeling that and they're tummy.

38:06.037 --> 38:07.319
[SPEAKER_00]: around the tummy area.

38:08.321 --> 38:19.942
[SPEAKER_00]: That compulsion to act now and then it will be accompanied by something that feels a little bit like butterflies or panic or it's not quite panic, but very close.

38:20.864 --> 38:25.733
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so do you think that's a space of because as you're saying that's

38:27.080 --> 38:33.449
[SPEAKER_01]: One of the issues people have is that they're often very dissociated and making very difficult decisions.

38:34.310 --> 38:34.650
[SPEAKER_01]: This is nice.

38:34.670 --> 38:49.551
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I'm thinking through here in real time is, is that urgency based in a space of dissociation, are you doing something emotional and making a rash decision because they're out of it?

38:49.571 --> 38:54.758
[SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like as I just kind of in real time, look back at many of the rash,

38:54.738 --> 38:56.880
[SPEAKER_01]: crazy fucking decisions I've made.

38:56.940 --> 38:59.202
[SPEAKER_01]: All of them were in dissociation.

38:59.602 --> 39:01.784
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe there was drugs or alcohol involved.

39:01.844 --> 39:05.308
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it was something where I'd push myself to the limit.

39:05.368 --> 39:08.270
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe there's a lot of different variances that I could put in there.

39:08.751 --> 39:11.974
[SPEAKER_01]: But they were all of the craziest decisions in my life.

39:12.334 --> 39:17.258
[SPEAKER_01]: We're always in that space of if I don't do it now, the world is going to end.

39:17.318 --> 39:24.745
[SPEAKER_01]: And that used

39:24.725 --> 39:31.953
[SPEAKER_01]: And luckily, I had an amazing therapist in psychology who was like, it's like, psychologist who's like, no, you're not, you're just not in your body.

39:31.993 --> 39:49.753
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that a big part of it is, if you're on the midst of making what could potentially be a life-altering decision, I'm like, maybe you should meditate or breathe or write, go for a walk and just calm yourself.

39:50.662 --> 39:51.483
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.

39:51.503 --> 40:00.452
[SPEAKER_00]: I was going to say, I mean, provided your safety, one of safety is not at risk, then I would not be making any decisions.

40:01.333 --> 40:15.167
[SPEAKER_00]: When I any big decisions like that, when I've been drinking, high coming down, having, you know, a few days later, anything like that, you want to be making a decision like that that's going to fit you and your partner and potentially your family,

40:15.147 --> 40:21.355
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to be making that decision from a very calm and grounded place and you're right about the dissociation.

40:21.395 --> 40:42.420
[SPEAKER_00]: If we're dissociated, we're actually not going to feel that in our body anyway, so you really would actually need to almost go through a wee bit of a checklist, like, you know, making sure that this isn't just not so much on a whim, but this isn't just come out of nowhere, like this has been something that I've set with for quite some time.

40:42.400 --> 40:50.331
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I would be looking at potentially again, as long as nobody's safety is at risk looking at actually journaling on it.

40:50.351 --> 40:53.235
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to understand that decision a bit more weird as it's coming from.

40:53.295 --> 40:55.899
[SPEAKER_00]: What does this decision want me to know?

40:55.919 --> 40:58.002
[SPEAKER_00]: What happens if I don't do this?

40:58.663 --> 41:00.666
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's going to be quite revealing too.

41:00.706 --> 41:02.128
[SPEAKER_00]: This is going to be like, well, I'm going to die.

41:02.188 --> 41:05.493
[SPEAKER_00]: And we know that that's probably not going to happen.

41:06.975 --> 41:08.577
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so yeah.

41:09.755 --> 41:16.381
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and that's a tough thing to do because in the moment, it can often feel like this is the thing that I must do.

41:16.561 --> 41:21.385
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that's how on, like as we're talking this, do which I appreciate talking this through, because I wanted to name this.

41:21.726 --> 41:24.829
[SPEAKER_01]: When I think about urgency, it feels like that filling of a must.

41:25.289 --> 41:27.851
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if I, I must leave this relationship.

41:27.891 --> 41:29.213
[SPEAKER_01]: I must leave this career.

41:29.293 --> 41:32.776
[SPEAKER_01]: I must pack my bags and drive to Calibassus.

41:32.836 --> 41:34.818
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what it is, but that thing about the must.

41:35.058 --> 41:35.939
[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes you must.

41:36.159 --> 41:39.762
[SPEAKER_01]: Like sometimes, here's what I think of the differentiating factor.

41:39.742 --> 41:44.488
[SPEAKER_01]: has this been something on your mind for a period of time, right?

41:45.610 --> 41:51.918
[SPEAKER_01]: Or did you wake up this morning and you're like, I have to implode my life, right?

41:52.418 --> 41:54.701
[SPEAKER_01]: Which I think that's that's a space of abandonment.

41:54.882 --> 41:56.644
[SPEAKER_01]: You're like uploading what you've built.

41:56.704 --> 42:09.040
[SPEAKER_01]: You're imploding your friendship, your relationship, your career, your set like all of these things versus I've been at this job

42:10.353 --> 42:12.195
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's go, right?

42:12.496 --> 42:14.758
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm in a relationship that's completely unfulfilling.

42:14.778 --> 42:15.599
[SPEAKER_01]: I've tried everything.

42:15.619 --> 42:16.821
[SPEAKER_01]: I've asked them to go to therapy.

42:16.841 --> 42:18.042
[SPEAKER_01]: I asked them to go to coaching.

42:18.062 --> 42:19.283
[SPEAKER_01]: I asked them to watch a podcast.

42:19.304 --> 42:20.565
[SPEAKER_01]: They won't do it.

42:20.585 --> 42:22.307
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not showing up.

42:22.327 --> 42:22.928
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

42:23.068 --> 42:24.389
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's go, right?

42:24.830 --> 42:26.252
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, and I think you're right.

42:26.292 --> 42:28.715
[SPEAKER_01]: We're excluding the idea of safety, right?

42:29.055 --> 42:33.921
[SPEAKER_01]: If safety is in question, you should leave immediately, but Sam's that.

42:34.662 --> 42:37.285
[SPEAKER_01]: If you just wake up one day and you're like, I need to leave my life.

42:37.405 --> 42:39.347
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like,

42:39.547 --> 42:41.652
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you don't.

42:41.672 --> 42:42.835
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe what you need to do.

42:43.577 --> 42:44.298
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, exactly.

42:44.378 --> 42:45.401
[SPEAKER_01]: So I really love that.

42:45.842 --> 42:56.948
[SPEAKER_01]: One of the things that I think because a lot of kids who come through neglect and abandonment issues, they often, and I'm one of these kids, they don't have any stability.

42:56.928 --> 42:58.129
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

42:58.149 --> 43:14.986
[SPEAKER_01]: So stability can feel like chaos, like think that it's actually an opposite, which is such a, this, this is one of those things that changed my life is when I realized that even though I'm a vagabond, and I'm by nature, I love to travel, I love to live in the world, I've been all over the place.

43:15.787 --> 43:19.051
[SPEAKER_01]: When I was young, I lived in over 30 different homes.

43:19.591 --> 43:23.475
[SPEAKER_01]: So we would just move and move and move and move and move and move.

43:23.455 --> 43:29.785
[SPEAKER_01]: And then once I actually had my own home and I would live there, I'd like this feel so off.

43:30.486 --> 43:32.830
[SPEAKER_01]: This is so deeply uncomfortable.

43:33.230 --> 43:38.779
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I want to close a circle on it, we talk about this inner child healing.

43:39.340 --> 43:47.573
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think sometimes that part of you that you have to heal the most is the

43:47.553 --> 43:54.723
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm curious in your work, do you find that to be true when you're looking at this journey?

43:54.843 --> 43:58.768
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, and if so, how do people build stability in their life?

43:58.828 --> 44:03.895
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, doing this work, because let's be honest, this work is very unsettling and very unstable.

44:04.355 --> 44:06.338
[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you create stability?

44:07.550 --> 44:08.792
[SPEAKER_00]: such a great question.

44:08.852 --> 44:12.979
[SPEAKER_00]: So with a stability, yes, I absolutely agree.

44:13.039 --> 44:16.906
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to actually create this stability within ourselves.

44:17.326 --> 44:20.792
[SPEAKER_00]: Otherwise, we're just not actually ever going to feel stable anywhere else.

44:21.273 --> 44:24.759
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we might for a period of time, but we'll come back to that instability.

44:25.139 --> 44:27.904
[SPEAKER_00]: So we want to build this stability within ourselves.

44:27.884 --> 44:41.138
[SPEAKER_00]: So, so, a few things that we can do, I do believe that working on the abandonment wound at the subconscious level will go a long way to helping us feel more stable.

44:42.619 --> 44:52.069
[SPEAKER_00]: But, practically, we want to make sure that we have a safe environment that we're actually living in.

44:52.049 --> 45:03.306
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that sounds ridiculous, but a lot of people in relationships that actually don't feel safe, or they might be living still with their parents, who, not necessarily abuse them for 20 years.

45:03.646 --> 45:15.103
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so we do need to look at the environments we're in, and we need to try to create a safe and secure space for ourselves if we cannot leave that environment for some reason or another.

45:15.083 --> 45:22.441
[SPEAKER_00]: then we want to create that safe space around an albedroom or a space that you know as your own.

45:22.942 --> 45:27.995
[SPEAKER_00]: But one of the other things that can really help as well is creating routines.

45:28.957 --> 45:31.303
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, our daily routines.

45:31.283 --> 45:46.305
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I think I remember hearing you speak about that, Michael on one of your podcast, probably many of your podcast actually, but if we can create those daily routines, they don't have to be militant or anything, but it might be that depending what kind of space

45:46.285 --> 45:48.568
[SPEAKER_00]: you and we you are at on your journey.

45:48.849 --> 46:15.769
[SPEAKER_00]: But it might be that each day we start with five or ten minutes of meditation or tapping or visualizing or something on those lines and we start our day with that, then we do the next thing, then we do the next thing, we have a night time routine, battery for we go to bed, we do some form meditation, some form of healing work or journaling or a

46:15.749 --> 46:26.299
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, actual anchors, like that, that we do each day, we start to feel more secure and stable within ourselves.

46:27.055 --> 46:44.804
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, the routines, everything, and that's something I mean, I've spoken about for years because I would argue my morning routine is the thing that probably was the, and it has been the most beneficial thing in my entire life, and my routine is very simple, very straightforward.

46:45.265 --> 46:52.236
[SPEAKER_01]: I wake up, I drink water, I journal for a minute, I meditate for a couple of minutes, I drink a bunch of coffee, I go to the gym.

46:52.216 --> 46:52.937
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my routine.

46:53.097 --> 46:55.720
[SPEAKER_01]: Some mornings, I breakfast, some mornings, I don't go to the gym.

46:56.441 --> 47:01.287
[SPEAKER_01]: And that has served me very well because it doesn't have to be all of these things.

47:01.647 --> 47:10.678
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to do fucking cold plunge and then stare into the sun for two hours and then lay on the, you know, put peptides in, like whatever, right?

47:11.218 --> 47:13.961
[SPEAKER_01]: Find the things that work for you and then leverage them.

47:14.062 --> 47:15.623
[SPEAKER_01]: Cause like some days I don't meditate.

47:15.844 --> 47:17.385
[SPEAKER_01]: Some days I wake up and I'm fine.

47:17.405 --> 47:17.886
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've,

47:17.866 --> 47:33.765
[SPEAKER_01]: feel super connected and super aware and some days I wake up and I feel like a fucking crazy pro, so you're right and so it's like I've got to touch the routine and so I think just knowing yourself and honoring the journey like that's that's the most important thing.

47:33.745 --> 47:35.948
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, it's even don't abandon the journey.

47:36.328 --> 47:41.755
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've done that over the years where I'm like, things are great and I'm flowing and I'm in flow state.

47:42.136 --> 47:45.500
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I forget that I'm in flow state because of the things I've been doing.

47:45.540 --> 47:48.264
[SPEAKER_01]: Then I was just like, I'll let off the gas for a little bit.

47:48.304 --> 47:50.487
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I'm like, why is everything off today?

47:50.847 --> 47:53.931
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, oh shit, I haven't journaled or meditated five days.

47:53.911 --> 47:56.674
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so interesting, right?

47:56.995 --> 48:15.778
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think bringing a massive sense of awareness of what actually serves you is incredibly important because again, that's the thing, think about this, if you come from a neglectful abandoned household, you do not have a fucking retainer as a kid, that is not a thing, right?

48:16.359 --> 48:20.003
[SPEAKER_01]: And you talk so deeply about repairing,

48:20.135 --> 48:23.720
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, are you going to do what's responsible or not?

48:23.740 --> 48:36.517
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where it gets really hard because there is a level, and I want to know your fox on this, but I see that there's a level in the repairing process where it's like, you have to put your own foot in your ass sometimes.

48:37.058 --> 48:39.761
[SPEAKER_01]: It can all just be this woo woo, go hug a tree.

48:39.781 --> 48:40.903
[SPEAKER_01]: I love myself stuff.

48:41.183 --> 48:42.645
[SPEAKER_01]: That stuff's super important by the way.

48:42.705 --> 48:44.307
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, don't, don't use my words.

48:44.988 --> 48:48.673
[SPEAKER_01]: But some days it's like, get the fuck up and go to work.

48:48.653 --> 48:51.376
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm curious if you find that to be true or not.

48:52.037 --> 48:54.900
[SPEAKER_00]: 100% yeah, absolutely.

48:54.980 --> 48:56.461
[SPEAKER_00]: We definitely do need to do that.

48:56.521 --> 49:16.703
[SPEAKER_00]: And it might be even just things like making a sound obvious, but it's not necessarily if we've been through a neglect, making sure that we do eat not necessarily at certain times, but when you need to eat, making sure you do get exercise, making sure you do shower, those very simple things, but they're not actually at some halt.

49:16.683 --> 49:19.686
[SPEAKER_00]: a few haven't been raised with that.

49:20.867 --> 49:22.129
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, that's really important.

49:22.149 --> 49:28.656
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes we do have to get hard, a little bit more stern with ourselves, for sure.

49:29.136 --> 49:31.899
[SPEAKER_00]: And I find as well, like you, I'll get into that flow state.

49:31.939 --> 49:34.602
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I'll get off track about now.

49:34.622 --> 49:35.903
[SPEAKER_00]: I think what's going on.

49:36.244 --> 49:37.785
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, I'll go and meet a title.

49:37.945 --> 49:40.468
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually channel a lot, I channel messages and stuff.

49:40.848 --> 49:41.509
[SPEAKER_00]: And just like,

49:42.113 --> 49:55.043
[SPEAKER_00]: I can feel like I can breathe again, but you forget sometimes that you have an actually done it for a few days and it makes such a difference when you visit those rituals or those habits.

49:55.613 --> 50:03.047
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's a lot of people who, and even hearing this, we'll start to drop off now, because they're like, I don't want to be stern with myself.

50:03.107 --> 50:05.131
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to put my own foot in my ass.

50:05.191 --> 50:12.424
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm trying to heal my in-erge-tile self-discipline, however, I think is healing.

50:12.404 --> 50:19.856
[SPEAKER_01]: because you're also giving yourself what you need and I don't think that this is about giving yourself what you want.

50:20.337 --> 50:26.167
[SPEAKER_01]: When you have people who have who come to you and they have resistance around this, what do you tell them?

50:26.207 --> 50:28.471
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you help them navigate this part of it?

50:29.653 --> 50:37.686
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, usually if they come to me, they're ready to do the work, but the reality is to your point

50:38.982 --> 50:56.215
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think we need to be disciplinary and necessarily, but when we have that structure and we actually make ourselves get up, because we do need to stretch ourselves sometimes, when we do that, we actually...

50:56.195 --> 51:00.839
[SPEAKER_00]: that structure can feel very safe and secure for us.

51:01.520 --> 51:05.023
[SPEAKER_00]: Once we're in it, we can use that structure to support us.

51:05.564 --> 51:11.430
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes we do need to be quite firm on ourselves around you need to do this.

51:11.870 --> 51:13.612
[SPEAKER_00]: You've literally three things.

51:14.192 --> 51:17.856
[SPEAKER_00]: What are the top three things are going to move the needle for you today, right?

51:17.936 --> 51:19.217
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to do these three things.

51:19.878 --> 51:24.362
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's also about being a responsible

51:25.034 --> 51:35.618
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and it is, and it's about being responsible for yourself, and I think that's the biggest thing, you know, if you come from abandonment and neglect.

51:35.716 --> 51:40.463
[SPEAKER_01]: you don't know responsibility and what I believe to be the appropriate way.

51:40.884 --> 51:48.576
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure, you can be 12-year-old working in a salon, but as that responsibility, you know, because for me, it was 12-year-old selling drugs on the street.

51:48.876 --> 51:51.961
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that responsibility right, and then you're like, okay, wait a second.

51:52.522 --> 51:56.408
[SPEAKER_01]: What if responsibility is I need to be on time for work?

51:56.388 --> 51:59.011
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it boggles my mind that people are late for work.

51:59.232 --> 52:02.275
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I just don't even understand it because, I mean, of course, it happens.

52:02.295 --> 52:03.216
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, let me be here.

52:03.717 --> 52:09.484
[SPEAKER_01]: But as somebody who has a team and I'm totally, you know, and I have, I'm very lenient.

52:09.504 --> 52:12.228
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm probably the easiest person to work for on planet Earth.

52:12.808 --> 52:17.074
[SPEAKER_01]: But if, you know, if you're late consistently, I go, that's a pattern.

52:17.434 --> 52:19.717
[SPEAKER_01]: That was one of those patterns personally.

52:19.757 --> 52:23.121
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, here's the irony what I just said, that was me.

52:23.101 --> 52:26.245
[SPEAKER_01]: I was always late guys, always late guy.

52:26.305 --> 52:28.988
[SPEAKER_01]: My mom was always late to everything, always.

52:29.049 --> 52:29.970
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you think happened?

52:30.150 --> 52:31.532
[SPEAKER_01]: I learned a pattern and behavior.

52:31.992 --> 52:33.054
[SPEAKER_01]: And that became a belief.

52:33.154 --> 52:34.215
[SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to be late.

52:34.896 --> 52:37.539
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I realized it was a wait a second.

52:37.880 --> 52:41.384
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, this is not okay because this doesn't serve me.

52:41.685 --> 52:43.467
[SPEAKER_01]: And it doesn't serve the people around me.

52:43.887 --> 52:45.549
[SPEAKER_01]: And eventually, I was 19.

52:45.590 --> 52:47.151
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like not the biggest deal in the world.

52:47.192 --> 52:49.795
[SPEAKER_01]: But at the time it was, I got fired from a job.

52:49.915 --> 52:52.298
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I was late.

52:52.278 --> 52:57.630
[SPEAKER_01]: It was crazy to how they fired me by the way because it was a warehouse job and so I walk in

52:57.897 --> 53:02.124
[SPEAKER_01]: I walk in and you have this badge and the badge is what gets you in the door and the badge didn't work.

53:02.585 --> 53:12.480
[SPEAKER_01]: It was so funny, and so I got a badge, I got the badge, it doesn't work and the guy got behind me goes, well, you just got fired, and I was like, oh my gosh, what?

53:12.961 --> 53:15.605
[SPEAKER_01]: And he goes, yeah, after your badge doesn't work, that means I fired you.

53:16.086 --> 53:23.398
[SPEAKER_01]: And so immediately security guard comes around, he's like, I need to come with me and I was like, oh shit, I definitely just got fired.

53:23.378 --> 53:25.141
[SPEAKER_01]: But all of that came from what?

53:25.261 --> 53:26.082
[SPEAKER_01]: From being late.

53:26.222 --> 53:28.606
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I'm, I'm, I made the bed.

53:28.626 --> 53:30.048
[SPEAKER_01]: I had to sleep in it, right?

53:30.168 --> 53:31.590
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think about it.

53:31.791 --> 53:36.698
[SPEAKER_01]: Interchild work isn't just the sitting down and talking about the things.

53:36.758 --> 53:40.624
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like showing up with responsibility, showing up with accountability.

53:40.925 --> 53:42.607
[SPEAKER_01]: You said structure, right?

53:42.707 --> 53:44.771
[SPEAKER_01]: That's, I mean, that's such a huge part of it.

53:44.791 --> 53:51.681
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I want to encourage people to, to, like, look at and, and ask yourself, where is your life on structure?

53:51.661 --> 54:13.652
[SPEAKER_01]: right because then it's not just you know I know I'm scrolling TikTok it's like that's not your only problem like that's not your only problem so you need to address those and look at those and understand how they are and are not serving you and and I'm not talking at people saying this is a part of my life too I have to look and think to myself where am I not serving myself

54:13.632 --> 54:15.538
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and that becomes a daily basis.

54:16.320 --> 54:18.586
[SPEAKER_01]: Jen, this has been just a great conversation.

54:18.627 --> 54:20.271
[SPEAKER_01]: I appreciate you tremendously.

54:20.352 --> 54:27.051
[SPEAKER_01]: Before I ask you my last question, can you please tell everyone where they can find you or more about your read your book?

54:27.672 --> 54:33.098
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, thank you so much, I really loved our conversation too, so thank you for having me.

54:34.160 --> 54:41.028
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm most active on Instagram, under Jen Peters, Soul Guide, Under Score, Hila.

54:42.329 --> 54:51.941
[SPEAKER_00]: You can also access my resources via my website www.gen-noutinthemiddle.

54:52.582 --> 54:55.485
[SPEAKER_00]: Peters.com.

54:55.465 --> 54:59.631
[SPEAKER_00]: I also have a membership that might be of interest.

55:00.011 --> 55:09.023
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very accessible monthly membership where I actually guide you through healing the 12 primary in a child trauma.

55:09.364 --> 55:12.668
[SPEAKER_00]: And we spend a full month on each trauma.

55:12.688 --> 55:13.930
[SPEAKER_00]: We're actually on a band of end-of-fact.

55:13.950 --> 55:16.373
[SPEAKER_00]: We just started a band of end-of-ment and September.

55:16.754 --> 55:20.218
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and we're moving into attachment trauma next month.

55:20.459 --> 55:24.544
[SPEAKER_00]: And we'll move through the 12 over the 12 months.

55:24.760 --> 55:33.292
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yes, until you can access it through my Instagram or through my website, it's called The Sanctuary.

55:33.913 --> 55:34.594
[SPEAKER_01]: Amazing.

55:34.614 --> 55:40.021
[SPEAKER_01]: Guys, if you go to think on brokenpodcast.com, you can find that in more in the show notes.

55:40.662 --> 55:45.469
[SPEAKER_01]: My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

55:46.428 --> 55:47.410
[SPEAKER_00]: beautiful questions.

55:47.471 --> 56:00.383
[SPEAKER_00]: So, to me, to be unbroken, means that no matter where you have been, what you've been through, where you are today, that healing is absolutely possible, and available for you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And...

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[SPEAKER_00]: I also believe with this that the challenges you have been through are directly related to your purpose.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so as you do, step into that unbroken space, you will start to actually access more of what you came here to do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And a life that, honestly, will be well beyond anything you could have ever imagined.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I love that, and I hope that for everyone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Jen, thank you so much for being here.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Unbrokenation, my friends.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for listening.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Share this episode with a friend with somebody close to you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe with a sibling, someone in your life that could use it, that could meet it, and that it could help them transform.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and until next time my friends, be unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for listening to Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Please share this episode with someone who could use it and help us move forward in our mission of ending generational trauma in our lifetime.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you would please take five seconds to pop on iTunes or Spotify, hit that five star lever review and you can also reach out to us on social, at Michael Unbroken or at Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And of course you can check out our YouTube channel at Think Unbroken.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for being a part of Unbroken Nation, my friends, and until next time, be Unbroken.